You Matter to Me

           Sometimes we all don't show how much we really appreciate the ones that deserve it the most.  Very rare do family members thank each other for everything they have done or do friends thank each other for always being there. I got thinking about the ones that truly matter to me and have impacted my life... and well, this is my way of showing how much you all truly do mean to me.

Mom,

           Where do I even begin?  You are the core of my inspiration. You are my drive to be independent.  You are my rock.  Not many people get to say their mother isn't just a mom, but a best friend. I can always confide in you and know you'll be there for me.  When you and dad got divorced, my views on life changed. Everyone will always leave... But I never put you in that equation mom. I knew you would never leave me.  For all the times I would be such a pain in the ass, you still loved me. You still did everything in your power to make me happy. For all the times I got in serious trouble and had to come home and tell you what I had done, you never judged me. You gave me my space and let me grow as an individual. All my weird views on life, my strange habits, and goofy acts... you embraced them all.  You always loved who I was and made me proud of every accomplishment I've have ever made.  The confidence I hold for myself is because of you. You taught me to love myself and never be anything but true to the person I am.  For me to never truly believe in love, I surely love you more than anything. I know I'm no longer living with you. I know you worry and wonder about where I'm going in life. Just know this, no matter where I go or what I do, I will always think about you with every step I take. I will always be your baby girl.

Katria-my sister,

           When we were younger, we didn't get always along. I was the brat and you were the sister who tried to always tried steer me on the right path.  As stubborn as I was, of course I didn't listen. It caused us to drift.  Now, you are my other half.  I couldn't ever imagine us not talking again.  Through out every rocky road I encounter, you're always there trying to help me get back up on my feet. You support me and defend me with everything I go through.  I'm now living with you and I can't think of many days that we haven't sat here and just laughed and had a good time.  We create a new inside basically every other day.  Every day we spend together is a good day.  I want to thank you for taking me under your wing and letting me come live you.  You have quickly become the closest person in my life.  You, mom, and I have all become so close to each other and I couldn't be more happy with the family I have. I truly love you more than I think I ever have.

Jason-my brother,

(brother-in-law, but nothing less than a true brother)

           Honestly, we used to despise each other. You hated me and I hated you.  Now, as I have grown older I know that our problems were only created because you were trying to help me improve as a person, I've come to love you more than I thought possible. You wanted me to embrace the better in myself and be the person you knew I could be.  Throughout the six years we have known each other, you have become the most important man in my life.  With you around, I know nobody is going to have the opportunity to hurt me and get away with it.  You are someone I look up to more than you probably even know.  Not only because you commit yourself to serving proud in the military, but because of everything you stand for and everything you've taught me.  For the future, I hope two things happen. One, I hope to someday have the knowledge for the military and football as you have. Two, I hope that one day I make the choice to get married and give you the honor of walking me down the isle.. showing to all the people in my life who my real protector is.

Heather Noles,

           You have showed me that true friends do exist. That not everyone stabs a knife in your back. Sure, we have had our ups and downs. But we never truly did anything so drastic to each other to sacrifice our bond as friends. You're the friend that listens and gives the advice that I need to hear, not what I want to hear. You don't sugar coat anything and that's what I've come to love so much about you.  You're real, something very hard to find in anyone.  I don't put on an act in front of you. I can be myself, you can be yourself, and together we are two of the biggest dorks I've ever known.  Throughout mistakes I have made in life, you never once judged me or thought less of me for what I've done.  We both know I've done a lot of stupid things, but you still stood by my side. I just want you to know that no matter where I go in life, I'll always be able to say, "I've got a best friend that lives in Florida and distance doesn't mean a thing!"

Sara Wilson,

           Sara, you saved me when I moved to South Carolina. You were the only true friend I had while I was living there. We knew each other for only a year, but I always felt like I had known you my whole life. In the time we spent together, we opened up to each other and shared all of our stories of what we encountered in life.  I know all your hardships and you know all of mine. I think that is what brought us together... we could understand each other.  I want to thank you for being the friend I truly needed while I was there.  Instead of going out drinking and getting myself in trouble, you and I just spent time together and created a bond that I will never have with anyone else. Sure, I've got another best friend... but you and I shared so many things in common and connected on a different level. I want to thank you for accepting who I am and for teaching me that someone new can become someone you trust.

John Ward,

           Another one that I have no clue where to begin.  You are my life long friend. You are the friend that I know I will never truly lose.  We have been friends for thirteen years and there hasn't been a day that I didn't think you wouldn't be there for me.  We both grew up and got into different crowds, but when we needed each other, we were there. Of course, I always needed you more than you needed me.  Such as all the times I had to move, you were there in an instant with your truck ready to work.  I still can't explain how much I respect and appreciate you for that. But when you needed advice or someone to defend you back in the day, I was always there ready to beat down anyone I had to.  We created a brother and sister bond that will never go away. Sure, we are older and can no longer sleep in the same bed and it be acceptable, haha, but I'll always remember my hotwheeling, drawing, adventuring, best friend. 

Will Barnhust,

           Unofficial husband? Brother-from-another mother? Cowboy?  Too many jokes and too many good times to even begin to explain.  You were just a damn mooch, haha. Eating all my food, wearing my clothes, and taking up my bed. No, you were a great friend. I remember any time a guy messed with me, you were there to make sure I was okay.  You watched out for me throughout every party or adventure we went on.  I will never forget all the days we would just sit in the garage and you would play your guitar as I just sat in awe of how amazing you were.  You were never really open with feelings and emotions, which is why when you wrote me a song... I couldn't believe it. So thank you Will for all the good times and being a genuine friend.  I know years down the road when we write or see each other, that bond we have always had will always be there. 

-For anyone that knows William Barnhurst (click to view his facebook), here is a song that he wrote and sang for me. The recording isn't top quality, but it's meaningful and you can't tell me his little British voice isn't adorable.  For anyone that wants to hear more from Will, go to his facebook and encourage him to write more songs.

           I hope you all know how much you mean to me.  As it may seem at times that we aren't as close or how much I really appreciate you is not surreal, always know that we may drift, we made fall apart... but y'all will remain a part of who I was, who I am, and who I will become.

                                        Yours truly,

                                      Amanda Rae

What justifies being alone?

          This is the point at which I throw my hands up in the air and surrender. Surrender to all the labels and finger-pointing at me. "You're stupid." "You can't possibly do that." "Don't think like that, it's not right."  Screw you all. Stupid? Maybe. I can't do it? Just watch me. It's not right to think as I do? I say, it's every bit of right. Right for the kind of person I am. 

          This blog seems more involved with my fight against society's norm than anything else. It seems as if every other post is a rant about my concerns lying with the mandatory action of falling in love. I understand all of your points. Being in love is probably a happiness that leaves a man and woman at a lost for words. Being in love makes you feel like you need nothing else. I thought I was there once. I believed for quite some time that my love was stronger than anyone I knew.  On the other hand, being in love with who you think someone is... is not being in love at all.  Throughout it all, I've had one serious relationship and that very relationship fell to pieces of deceit and lies. That's not love. That's being stubborn and choosing to put the bad behind closed doors. I have had more than that one opportunity to experience what the world craves, but let's face it... that other opportunity fell apart as well.

          So, my parents got divorced and I chose at the age of twelve to refuse all actions of falling for someone. To open up and expose all my weaknesses to someone. I didn't want to put myself out there to get hurt. Well, four years later I met a guy and... I exposed myself. I figured maybe he can prove me wrong. Two years after that road, I tried with another guy. As the story went on, my blueprints of building a life without love quickly became more sturdy.  All they did was prove me right. They did NOT create this image of non-belief of loving forever! This image was there before they all came into my life and this image will stand with out them as well. This image is what makes me alone.

          APPARENTLY, never wanting a relationship means you will be alone for the rest of your life.  What about the friends? What about my family?  Hell, what about my dog? They aren't going anywhere. My family damn sure isn't leaving me and my dog doesn't have a choice. My friends have stayed by my side throughout being single. What makes anyone think I'm going to be alone?  I'm just confused by the whole concept honestly. 

          This is all coming from recent fights I've been holding with... let's call them "believers".  Not a great word, but they believe in the whole picture perfect, loving forever world and I do not. Recently I did try to test the waters and give it a shot. It didn't work out. More than not working out, it pushed my beliefs even deeper. I didn't try it with just anyone and it didn't try it with just a skip and a hop. It took a long time for me to want to give it a shot, but eventually I got just shot down anyways. It's life, it doesn't always work out as planned. You move on and carry on. But now I'm back to thinking they way I feel most comfortable with. Everyone knew how I thought before, but now it's a crime. Oh hell no, Amanda can NOT want to live without a relationship. Amanda can not be alone...

          I'm going to say it, and I'll repeat it as often as I need to.  Living without a significant other is not being alone! It's not some horrible life. If you can adapt to making yourself happy and depending on only yourself, it's not a sad life. It's quite a comfortable self-induced happy life.  I am JUST as happy as anyone in love. I just know that I will never break my own heart, leave/cheat on myself, or fill my head with lies to make myself happy. Not reasonable, huh? Yeah, either is fighting with me to make me think the same as 95% of society. If you want to be in love, go find someone to love you. If you want to love someone forever, give it a shot. If you want to live "alone". Shit, more power to you. Just know that you're going to recieve grief and pity for being stronger than the rest that can't resist the power of love.

                              Yours truly,
                            Amanda Rae

The Changes in People

         I think we all run across the question, "Can people really change?"  That question is asked far more than, "Can I really change?" I feel as if people expect others to change rather change than themselves. What happens when you are faced with not wanting someone or something to change?  In my belief, people can change.  People always DO change, life always changes.  Now, nobody said it was a change for the worse. But overtime, people will change. It's inevitable.

 

          For the younger generation, changes are always occurring. Those are the years that you are experiencing what life is all about. It's the time that you meet new people, lose the "life long" friends, and grow as a person.  Growing IS a part of change by the way, for the ones that don't believe in change but believe in growth in a person. It may not be a change that most people see, but if you change something you do, or don't do, you have changed.  As you grow older and have become set in your ways, I do not believe it's impossible to change, but it becomes more of a challenge to obtain a change.  But as I said, change isn't always for the worse.  Something can happen in someone's life that can change them for the better.     

               The downfall I find in today's society, is expecting something or someone to never change... expecting something to last forever.  The future ISN'T guaranteed. No matter what promises or words are said relying on what is to come.  Over time, something will change.  Then comes the question, can you handle that change?  If you rely on something to be forever, you might as well live your life on the edge and just wait to hit that bottom.  Nothing is forever. (Dictionary.com  Forever-without ever ending)  What never ends? Friends? Happiness? Life? Love? The unfortunate thing about life is, everything ends... making forever another one of those words that are unattainable to procure. Someone prove me wrong. Find me infinity. Show me that someone's love never changed. Find me the friends that made it forever.  Did one die before the other, leaving one without a friend?  Let me meet one person that had a happiness that was never broken with tears. Prove to me that a change has never occurred somewhere in life.
           
             I find myself living by a quote that I wrote a couple years ago, "Life isn't easy, but once you realize that there is never a forever, life will be easier. Just never easy."  I think that's the hard thing about life.  It is always changing and it becomes hard for people to keep up with.  With the future being a mystery, we never know where our path in life will take us. If you're not ready for something to end, simply don't begin what you don't want to end.  Now we obviously don't have that option with life, because we are all brought into this world with the knowledge that we will one day no longer be. But you're going to lose friends, fall out of love, and eventually die. That's how life goes. Change is unstoppable and sometimes it's impossible. Find out who you are and embrace the changes for the better and refuse the opportunities to change for the worse. But never, never expect someone else to never change.  Time and life experiences will cause changes in people that may not even realize that they have changed. Be who you are and live life depending on who you are, not on who someone else is or who they will be with you.

                        Yours truly,
                      Amanda Rae

        For a little over a month I have been writing in a notebook. It's not so much the writing as you would expect, more like jotting down the emotions I don't usually tend to.  It was writing all the random thoughts I questioned or all the emotions I constantly deceive.  This is a notebook for only yours truly, and nobody else. The purpose of this notebook is not to show other's how I feel, but to organize and prioritize my emotions. Well, I ended up writing a page that has stuck with me.. The date of writing this page was 09/28/2011. I'm writing this blog a little late, but you see, I have gone back to my hometown for a visit and now I'm finding the time and words to write this blog.  I'm choosing to show my readers one of my pages, word for word, out of my notebook.  I'll write what I have and then follow up with some insight.  Big step, so enjoy.

Taking Risks;
        Short term risks, we make every day.
        Long terms risks are what I question,
        Life isn't mapped out, so we must make our own fate, or what I call path. Each road we take changes the course or direction of our path. So when you face a decision that will affect you long term, do you risk it? Or do you avoid it and keep walking the path you know?  When is taking a risk worth it? Will you know?
        Life is a guessing game.  So is the beauty of life taking risks and seeing where it takes you?
        How many risks should you take?  Should there be a limit?  What if you've taken the same risk before? Can it take you on a separate path?  Or does the same risk always end the same way, leading to the same path?
        Life can lead you to a comfort zone with no risks.
        Can life bring me all the same joys with no risks?  Or is that not really living?  Does living with out risks lead to a hidden unhappiness?
        Or should I just be asking, is experiencing love really a risk?

        So what is my question really?  There are too many to find just one I'm asking.  Risks, they are everywhere. We all make bad decisions time to time, but learning from mistakes is what makes the difference. Learning from a bad decision can actually lead you to a better path in my opinion.  Thing is, what happens when you find that comfort zone?  The place at which you are happy because nothing can actually affect your path.  You're not relying on anyone or anything to bring you happiness or facing any major life changes.  When you've reached that place and run across a decision, do you risk it?  Should you really risk your happiness when you are already happy?  Why do we constantly try to improve our state of emotions?  I see too many people taking too many risks and their life becomes a roller coaster of emotions.  I'd rather have the neutral zone where my happiness stays at an even pace.
        Now, what if that risk is a chance at experiencing love? Is that the kind of risk you should take?  Well, there lies the questions of what kind of person are you trying to love, or what kind of person are you, in order to love.  What if you've been in that risk before?  People say it can be different.  They say that each relationship is different or the person you fell for was wrong.  Well, what if I'm the wrong one?  Then is risking your happiness for love worth it?  I don't think so. 

        We all learn from our mistakes or our mistaken paths we've traveled.  We are all different, but if you find yourself finding the same weary path over and over again, stop taking that risk.  Stop making the same decisions.  Make a change, for what you're feeling can only be felt by you.  Nobody truly cares about how you feel.  That's a mistake you should never make.

                        Yours truly,
                       Amanda Rae

A day that I can't take back...

          I've come to a point of emptiness.  This will be my first blog I write that I won't overlook my words. I won't backspace any emotions I express uncontrollably.  This is going to be the blog that will cause the biggest self challenge to get through writing.  I've started to notice a change in who I am.  Some of you that talk to me on a daily basis may not have experienced or even noticed this change, but I see it in the way I think, the way I talk, and the way I've been second guessing everything in life.

          I'm not exactly sure why I've decided to write about this and share it for all the one's whom are choosing to read this.  I am fully aware that I'm going to be judged.  Whether it be out loud and blunt or judged silently. In a month from now, September 25th, I should be celebrating my child's first birthday.  I should be frantically rushing into decisions on how to decorate the cake, what outfit he or she should wear, or what the theme for my baby's first birthday will be.  Instead, I sit here with no child.  I sit here with a empty feeling full of regret and hatred for myself.  If anyone decides on viewing me with disgust from this point forward... just let it be known, I look in the mirror some days and damn near want to cover it with a black sheet so I don't even have to face myself.  I had an abortion.

         A year and a half ago, I was a sixteen year old girl with a twenty one year old boyfriend.  Or so I thought.  He was my first boyfriend and yet, he was the furthest thing from who I thought he was.  One drunken night was all it took.  I was pregnant.  I'll never forget the day I took the tests.  My mother wasn't home at the time and my boyfriend brought over two pregnancy tests.  I took the first one and we watched that test like hawks as the second line slowly became visible.  Not knowing if a faint second line clarified as being pregnant, I took the second. Yeah, I was definitely pregnant.  Before in talking about me being pregnant, my boyfriend had told me that if I was, I should get an abortion.  I agreed until that very moment the scare became a reality.  To make matters even more confusing, my boyfriend smiled with joy as I dropped to the floor with my head tucked between my knees. His words..."Baby, we're pregnant."  Not "you're" pregnant, "WE'RE" pregnant. In that moment, with the tears running down my face, I knew that in nine months I would be having a child.

          I was pregnant for two and a half months, or as the doctor told me...10 weeks. In that time, I figured out what the child's name was going to be whether it be a boy or a girl.  Boy: Jet Ryan  Girl: Kalen Rae  Now: "My blue eyed angel".  To save everyone from a long story in explaining myself, my boyfriend clearly lost himself.  The man I knew to be protective and the most endearing person, quickly became the most cynical and vindictive man.  Lies and secrets were quickly arising in our relationship and I sure as hell didn't know how to deal with them.  He said things to me that I had never heard from someone that actually was trying to hurt my feelings.  I grew up with parents that spent most of their time fighting.  I grew up without a father for many years of my life and as I know I would have given my child everything in my will power, there was never a chance in this world I could live with giving my child the life I had.

          February 26th 2010, I went through went through with the abortion.  Today the man that was supposed to be the father of my child is far from a part of my life.  You see, we tried multiple times after to be the couple we invisioned.  Three months ago he finally admitted to lying about basically everything he has told me in life.  For a long time he tried to cover his tracks and was very good at manipulating me.  I know now that if I would have gone through with my pregnancy, my innocent child would have been born with one of the worst men to become a father.  At the same time, I can't sit here and give excuses for why I went through with my abortion, but I can give you my reasons for why it seemed like the smartest decision after weeks of thinking.

          Today is a new day.  If I could be the person I am today and go back with the ability to have my child, I wouldn't waste a second going back.  Today I would be a good mother.  Today I would choose to live with nothing else in this world except for that child.  I can't take back what I have already done.  I'm one who doesn't ever want to regret a moment in life, for my past decisions have made me the strong, good-hearted person I am today.  Yet, I do regret having my abortion.  Whether you knew my story and know it was a smart decision or whether you don't know me and already choose to look down on me... know this, I've never felt so much hatred for myself and for what I've done.  For the first time I can admit that I am weak.  I'm not okay and I'm not sure if there will ever come a time that this will ever be okay with me.  I have hit a point in life to where I'm not exactly sure where I go emotionally from here.  Much is changing around me but I still pause to sit here and close my eyes to see a beautiful child running and playing.  I have feelings of guilt, regret, pain, disgust, hatred, sadness, and anger all for one person...myself.

          For those of you who chose to have sex and not take precautions... don't think you are invincible for one second.  I never thought at sixteen I'd be pregnant.  The relationship that seemed picture perfect crashed and burned once reality caught up with us.  Every story is different.  Every life has a different outcome.  If I could just give anyone that reads this one word of advice to carry on, it would be... think about your actions.  Every action can be held accountable for in one way or another.  Don't let that one moment of pleasure lead to a life full of sorrow.  Don't be me.  Please, just don't be me. 

                    Yours truly,
                   Amanda Rae

To be a Dad, to be a Father

         People are too consumed with things in life that can but shouldn't be measured.  Life isn't about measurements or something one has over another person.  Every sunrise can't be seen, every snow fall can't be caught, not everyone falls in love, and not everyone dies happy.  You know, I've never thought I'd feel so secure about being so alone.  Society clearly has made it a mandatory action to get married and have babies.  Thing is, some people in this world weren't made for that.

        Sometimes a child is brought into this world with only half of what it truly needs. One parent always seems to be missing.  I've always had a mother in my life... a woman who stayed by my side through everything I did. A woman who loved me with an unmeasurable amount of love.  A woman that could easily surpass all other mothers in my eyes. Although my mother was clearly an amazing part of my life...I missed having a dad in a lot of my growing up stages.  I was born with a dad who then turned into father. If you come from a broken home, you more than understand the difference between the two.

        To be a father is to have a child.  To be a dad, is to be the strong, loving person for a child to always depend on.  Dads are supposed to be that tough figure that pisses you off but does it because he never wants to see his child get hurt.  Coming from a broken home, you tend to get used to people coming and going in your life.  Yet, you seem to never get used to not having a dad.  I was born with a dad that did nothing but care for his girls.  We were the only things that mattered to him... my sister and I that is.  Once we grew older and developed a mind of our own, his attachment to us seemed to drift...drift far far away!  My father became a very mean person, for the alcohol took control of the man we all knew he could be. 

       As of Christmas 2010, my father became a dad again after missing him for years. Still... It's not exactly what I always expected having a dad at the age of eighteen would be like.  When I think of a dad who has a young adult as a daughter, I think of a very protective figure.  A man that wouldn't let any boy near his child without the typical grilling. A man that always gets real defensive when his daughter talks about the older guys she hangs out with. My dad?  His words exactly after introducing him to a guy..."wrap it up."  Not exactly what I wanted my dad to say.  I want my dad to basically scare a guy so bad that he wouldn't think twice about harming me... but at the same time, how can my dad of all people try a preach to a choir about all the things he has never been. 

       I believe some people weren't made to have children.  Some men aren't capable of caring for a child's needs.  Some women don't know how to love a child as it needs to be loved.  Face it, some people were just made shitty.  So for all the criticism about how we were all made to find our "one" person, fall in love, and make babies... please knock it off.  This is a different time in age, meaning we have all figured out more about the human race.  Differences lie within each one of us, whether they are for the worse or for the better.  Life is what you make of it.  If you decide to make babies out of it... make sure you're the right type of parent before you ruin your child's vision of life.
        
                           Yours truly,
                         Amanda Rae

    

I am not a Christian

          Warning:  This is blog is not intended to offend or piss anyone off.  This blog is purely about me speaking up in what I truly believe in and don't believe in.  By the title, you may already assume that I am not a Christian and this may offend those who believe in god.  If you are not willing to hear my opinions, then please do not continue to read further. 

          For those who have read my blog post "My Religion", you read the beginning of my journey to no longer have faith in the christian god.  For those who have not read it, click the words "My Religion" above to read it.  The post consisted of me introducing a new religion to follow instead of the christian faith.  It was basically me testing the waters before I dove in to express my true feelings. 
          
          This is never an easy thing to do... come out about being an athiest.  I mean the word athiest just seems so crude and always seems to get a negative outlook from outsiders.  There are a lot of people I'm almost scared to admit that I'm an athiest.  I have a fellow blogger that has honestly inspired me to build up the courage to speak out about my decision to no longer believe.  This is a woman that has had more struggles in life than I know how to even explain.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  Her name is Lori and was one of my fellow teachers.  Her blog "Why I left Christianity" (click to read) is something so powerful, it almost leaves me at a loss for words.  She speaks about her struggles in life in becoming an atheist and does it with such courage. 

            I am an atheist. I do not believe in god. More than less, I refuse to follow the christian faith. Nothing drastic happened for me to become this way.  I wasn't hit with a critical obstacle in life and suddenly questioned my faith.  I'm surprisingly at the highest point of my life.  The time at which I still believed in god, was the time all my major obstacles were hitting... yet, I still had my faith.  I still prayed on occasion, I still asked for forgiveness, I was truly fearful of god... fearful of god?  Why should anybody be fearful of the man that supposedly dedicated his life for the love he had for us?  Well you can give thanks to the bible for that.  The book that gives all of us the reason to live... bullshit.  I'm sorry.  I'm trying my hardest to NOT be snide to the christian beliefs, but don't forget... the bible and the rules of god were all something I lived by once before too.  It's almost can be compared to someone who has lied to you your entire life and you get heated when discussing it.  Well, the bible is going to be the person in that situation.

          My point in writing this post is to show that atheists aren't all evil, cruel people. I'm aware I just called the bible bullshit... probably not the nicest thing to say, but most christians make us out to be some satan worshiping assholes.  We just don't believe in what you believe in... a god.  There are so many diverse views on what exists and what doesn't exist. This battle between atheists and christians is the exact reason people like me become scared to come out about no longer believing.  I've already been judged by friends for saying I'm an atheist.  Does that make sense?  You, the god loving christian, is going to judge me for not believing?  Alright take a step back.  We, the atheists, are the bad ones because we've made the choice to not follow the controlling and demanding faith of god.  I know that I would never treat a man like he was more holy than thou. I would never let a man win every fight, even when wrong, simply because he was a man.  I know that if I wanted to commit my life to another woman because I was in love, I wouldn't stop because its an abomination. I know I'm no longer going to let some man dictate my life that I have no proof of even existing.  Well, if that makes me the bad one... then damn, I guess I'm bad ALL the way to the bone.

          Not all christians are judgemental and hypocrites.  I have christian friends that are fully aware of my decision, but don't implant a judgemental bomb on my way of life.  If christians believe we are going to hell for "losing faith" and are going to be sent before god after we die, then please leave it to god.  By no means am I preaching my non-belief on you.  I'm not trying to enstill a god-free life on you and I'm not even expressing all my arguements on the christain faith, so please don't try to cram the "God loves you" speal on me.  If, and must I repeat IF, there truly is a god... the god the christians believe in, well then I am wrong.  Let me make this clear though... If I must stand before god after I die and have him make his judgement on me, I will choose hell.  Even if I'm given the chance to go to heaven, I will reject his offer and go to hell.  I do not stand by what the bible states and would refuse to live by anything it declairs. 

No matter what you view of me or what opinons you hold for me now, I'm not a god hater.  I can't hate something I don't believe is even there.  God is just "dog" spelled backwards, nothing special. 
                              Yours truly,
                           Amanda Rae

One fatal second...

Before you begin to read what I have to say, answer these few questions.
1. Have you ever drank alcohol?
2. Have you ever rode in a vehicle after the driver has been drinking or taken drugs?
3. Have you ever operated a vehicle after drinking or taking drugs?
4. Do you know anyone who has been killed by a drunk driver, or someone who has killed someone by drinking and driving?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions...remember...one second can end up being the last second you or another will have.

         October 2nd, 2010 I decided to get into a vehicle after consuming over fifteen beers and several shots of tequila. I was new in town, so I decided to show up the boys who THOUGHT they knew how to drink.  I was a female, and most females feel as if they need to prove they can drink a man under the table.  Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?  Females have a higher water content in their body, so it is a proven fact that females get intoxicated faster and stay intoxicated longer than males.  Point is, male or female, trying to out drink someone is really ignorant.  The more you drink, the less your mind is able to make decisions that you'll stand by in the morning.

         After I got in the vehicle, my memory started to fade.  I don't remember driving, I don't remember dropping a friend off, I don't remember the road I was even on.  I think back and all I can see is the blue lights in my rear view mirror.  There was no denying I was drunk.  I was instantly asked to step outside of the vehicle.  I did the sobriety tests and failed them drastically...blowing a .16 on my blood alcohol test.  The cop asked me to turn around and handcuffed me.  I was then put into the back of the cop car and taken to jail.  I was arrested for a Driving Under the Influence, Driving Under Suspension, Open Container, and Minor Possession of Alcohol.  My jail experience is beyond all doubt, the scariest thing I have ever been through.  I was put in shackles, handcuffs, and put into a holding cell with a couple girls and several cat-calling males.  I remember sitting there in that dull, cement room.  Looking around I saw people who looked like they belonged there, people who had smiles on their faces, people who without a doubt were criminals... all I knew was that was not the place I belonged.

         I was court ordered to do a lot for my DUI.  I had to commit to fifty hours of community service, attend a class for two months about alcohol and drug abuse, take a class about safe drivers, and visit a prison.  In my prison tour, I was in a group of about twenty girls. We had to hold hands with another girl and walk in a straight line.  We were in the inmates home.  No bars, no windows, no fence in between these prisoners.  Our tour guides were four female inmates that had been locked up for sixteen years.  Those four shared their stories with us.  I was not only the youngest in my group, but the only one with a DUI.  Out of the four, two of the inmates made sure to present their stories straight towards me...for driving under the influence was the very reason they were wearing that tan uniform with a printed reminder reading "inmate".   One of them was arrested at 19.  She was very similar to the person I was back then... a partier that always said, "Oh, I drive better drunk."  She said that until she killed a three month old child by drinking a driving.  The second woman was someone who still sends chills down my spine to this day.  She told me that she was never a heavy drinker, that she had maybe been to three bars in her entire life.  One day she had a couple beers and remembered she had to pick up a few things at the store.  She then began to tell us that she wrecked and killed two children... an eight and two year old. As she paused, she continued to tell us that those two kids were her very own children inside her vehicle.  She then put in my hands, pictures of her two children and of the vehicle after the wreck.  That was the day that I realized I never will step foot in a vehicle after drinking or if the driver has been drinking.

         The one thing I did, that wasn't court ordered, was grow as a person and learn to appreciate getting a DUI. During my process, I was living with my mother and my grandparents.  My entire family drinks. Whether it's all day, a couple drinks a day, three times a week... my family drinks.  My point in saying this is, it's not easy to quit when you're surrounded by drunks.  It either makes you want to drink again or it makes you want to enforce them to quit.  As tough as it got to get my point across sometimes, eventually my family supported me in my decision to quit.  I have alcoholics on both my mother's and father's side of the family.  I'm very prone to becoming a serious alcoholic. But learning from my mistakes in the past and seeing what condition I would be in if I kept drinking, makes drinking never an option.

         Today, I'm a different person.  Ten months ago I was a partier.  I was the girl who wanted all the attention at a get-together.  I was someone who drank until I couldn't or until I did something stupid.  Today I'm the girl who stays sober.  I'm the girl who can go to a party and not think twice about picking up any drink of alcohol.  I will ALWAYS be the girl who knows that every decision I make is under a strong sober mind.  My process to this life was the hardest but the most rewarding experience I've gone through.  I know a lot of people who read this may never understand what it's like to not drink, to go through and see the things I saw, or to eliminate the only way they can feel accepted.  A party life will never be a successful life.  An alcoholic is nothing but a failure to life.  To pick up alcohol and let it fade the image of the beautiful chance of life we are all given, is to let go of control on the only chance you're given. 

                           From a sober mind,
                                Amanda Rae
                         

Love Free

        For my readers and dearest friends that keep up with this blog, you very well know my beliefs on the subject of love.  I don't believe in love... more than so I don't believe in what society has made of love.  I've got a different take on the whole relationship spiel.  I've got a different take on how I handle relationships and why I'm not the type of person to be in one.

        You ask, what do you believe in if you don't believe in love?  I believe two people can be happy together.  Sometimes in life people think they need a companion to bring them joy.  For me, I bring myself joy... yet I wonder what it would feel like to let someone else bring me happiness again.  I wonder what it feels like to care about someone so deeply that I get that funny feeling in my gut and that rush of heat throughout my body with the softest kiss.  The way it feels to have someone's fingertips run through my hair sending chills down my spine.  The way it gets so hot under the covers from holding each other so tight....  Yeah, I wonder if I'll ever feel those things again... the things that make a relationship almost worth every struggle.
        But for me, I don't like to talk about my emotions or the painful reasons of why I am the person I am today. To me, you have to know those things and understand them to know me as a person.  Without me willing to explain them, a companionship will never exist. I don't try to get new friends, for they will never really get to know me.  I have two girl friends and one guy friend that have grown up with me and been by my side through each of my painful experiences.  I'll never have to explain to them why I don't trust anyone or why I fear divorce... they know how my head already works.  They know what I feel and what I need at any given moment. With a relationship, two partners must be there for each other and support each others' needs. 
        My needs in a relationship?  I need a guy to completely understand me.  I need a guy to prove to me that forever does exist.  I need a guy to prove to me in ten years the feelings we have for each other will never change.  Each of those requests can never be made.  For no one new will understand me, for forever is an indefinite amount of time, for no one can show me what the future holds.  Do I hold too high of requests for a relationship?  Yes, I know I do. 
        Just like anyone, I do think about getting married.  I've thought about myself in a beautiful wedding gown, walking down the isle to some man I chose to fall in love with.  I've thought about having the chance to have kids again with a man that I know will always be there for them.  I miss feeling beautiful by just the touch of a caring guy.  Time to time, as I watch a movie I wish I was laying against a guy that I know wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here with me.  I do miss feeling close to someone, but I've trained myself to not allow those desires and wants fade what really matters in life.

        I purposely avoid all chances of getting close with someone.  I never want to be so close to someone in way that they hold the opportunity to hurt me.  Keeping my distance allows me to remain invincible.  I never want to put my emotions on the line for the risk of getting happiness from another.  The most important thing in life is yourself.  When you put yourself in a relationship, you risk all sense of stability.  Too many marriages are made, making two people live unhappy for years until a divorce is made.  I will never set myself up for failure.  I don't want to get into a relationship not knowing if we will last a lifetime.  If it doesn't last a lifetime, what's the point of getting to know each other and fighting to stay happy when you're just going to leave each other?  I'd rather spend my time making myself happy while watching all these reckless relationships fail, knowing I'll never be that heartbroken girl. 

                        Yours truly,
                        Amanda Rae

Dear Future Amanda,

        We never know where we are going to be years down the road.  Some of us have plans to travel the world and some don't have plans at all.  I plan to join the Navy.  But in five years, being stationed to another base... I never know where I'll end up, who I'll meet, or if I'll even still be here.  I think it's always good to bring some of your past to your future. For those who say, "the past is the past",  you are wrong!  The past is every part of who you are today.  I want to write my future self a letter, just to remind myself of some of the things I've been through that I believe I should never forget.


Dear Amanda,
        I'm writing this letter at eighteen years old.  Right now you're sitting in your room listening to your soul music as you call it.  The mix of The Fray, Dashboard Confessional, and a bunch of other alternative bands.  You're reasoning for writing this letter is so you never forget the things you wanted to always remember.  If you think back to your teenage years, you'll remember it was never easy.  During those times, you learned a lot of things about life... a lot of life lessons you always wanted to portray as you grew up. 
        Who knows if you're in a serious relationship with someone right now.  I don't think you will be, for you never really believed in getting serious with anyone.  After mom and dad got divorced, you made it clear that you don't believe in love. If you do have a significant other, always remember those things you went through... those boys that proved your non-belief in love right.  Make sure he is worth your time... I don't want to be riding off all these good guys I'm encountering if I'm just going to fall for some scum bag later on in life.  Remember that trust and honesty is everything in a relationship.  You don't deal with liars! 
        I hope by the time you read this letter...things with the family are better. As of right now, I don't speak to half of them.  If it isn't better, always remember that you can't choose family.  As you grow up and realize family won't always be around, you'll be upset.  But it's important to remember all the things they did and said to you.  Hopefully they realized that you aren't everything they said you were and acknowledge that you were trying to better your life by becoming a better person.
        Speaking of becoming a better person... I hope you are still sticking to the decision I made.  The decision to keep alcohol out of your life.  If you are drinking, I know it's because you are over the age of 21 and it's legal for you to drink.  Remember,  a sober moment is always cherished more than a drunken moment.  To know that every decision you make will be made by a sober mind and not a mind that is under the influence is something you should be proud about.  I know you'll never pick up the drugs again, but I don't ever want to let the alcohol consume my life again.  So if you are drinking, remember the prison you toured?  Remember the stories of those girls... the mother who killed her own children?  Remember how it felt to be locked up in shackles and handcuffs with the things those guys were saying?  You don't ever want that life again. 
        I just hope you are doing all the things you wanted to persue when you were younger.  Your dream for life was to be in the Navy for twenty years, following two people in your life that always influenced what you did... your father and your brother.  You had dreams to always strive for a higher excellence and retire becoming an art teacher... the dream you've had since you were twelve.  Right now, you are all about proving yourself to others.  I hope by the time you read this letter, you realize that you don't need to prove anything to anyone but yourself. Also, hopefully as you read this letter... you've learned to take your own advice.

                Yours truly,
               Amanda Rae

ps. Another thing I hope for, is for you to finally be okay with your real last name and not substitute it with your middle...

Friends or clients?

         In life, I've come across a wide variety of groups of friends. I've lost a lot friends and found many along the way.  One thing that has always stayed true, was the kind of friend I am.  In my opinion, the type of friend you are can make a huge impact on the people you surround yourself with.  In order to have friends, you've got to be a true friend yourself.  Leaving all cockiness aside, I know I'm what you would call a true friend.

         Quality is more important than quanity when it comes to friends.  I'm pretty sure I only have four friends.  I have many aquaintances but an aquaintance is not a friend.  People whom come in your life time to time are not considered friends. Friends are people that are constantly making an influence in your life and are always there for you for anything.  I am the type of person who will be there for you as I think I should.  If you come to me with a problem, I'm going to try and help you through it the best I can.  I'm not going to help you find an easy way out, but I'll help you try to solve or get through the tough times in the way I believe is right.

         For me, I consider the little things bigger than the big things.  A birthday is obviously a big deal, but being the first person to call someone on their birthday is a bigger deal to me.  I always try my hardest to do all the little things for my friends... being the one that they will always come to for anything.  But over time, I've begun wondering if I'm trying too hard to be a good friend. When you use all of your ability to be the best friend that you can be, you expect a certain quality out of yourself... you have a set image of what a true friend really is.  Once you begin to obtain this image, you start to look at your friends and wonder why they don't do the same things as you do.

          I don't believe my friends are any less of a true friend than I am, but recently I began to question it.  You see, not too long ago I made a very difficult decision for my life.  Some of you may have read about it in a previous post, but with my friends knowing what was going on... I expected some friendly help.  I got sorrow from my friends but after that was over, I didn't receive much of anything else.  In all honestly, everyday I talk to at least one of those four friends about a problem they are having.  Sometimes I wondered if these were my actual friends I'm talking to or were they just clients that used me for a pick-me-up. I  literally put all of myself into making sure I do my best at helping out their situation and once days have passed by, I check up on them.  I'm constantly asking my friends how they are doing with whatever is going on in their life. In return, I have not received one question about my recent life change.  But I heard some knowledge from a very close person that helped me out with my friends or clients problem...

         I'm a different kind of person.  You see, its not that I was in pain or upset from what occured in my life... I just wanted my friends to check up on me.  I wanted them to prove to me that they are here for me and care about what I'm going through.  I had to realize though, I'm not what one would call a normal person.  I don't like to share emotions and I'm pretty invincible when it comes to getting "hurt".  So why would my friends come and check up on me when they know I'm fine?  I now realize that my friends do care about what I go through, they just know me well enough to know that I don't need to be checked up on.  To me, that means they are more than true friends.

         When you come across something in life similar to this, you need to take a few steps back and look at the big picture.  You need to acknowledge the type of people you are dealing with and understand that a true friend is not the same for everyone.  Your true friends probably ask you how you are doing constantly... my true friends know the answer to that question before asking!
                                     yours truly,
                                   Amanda Rae

Saying goodbye...

Alright, so I'm going to admit that my emotions have caught up with me. This is a very rare thing and usually means something serious has struck.  A couple posts ago, I wrote about a guy that I love...the one and only guy I'll love. Well that one and only guy I love is not the one and only guy I need.  With my birthday being yesterday, I wasn't really expecting to get a present from the hope and dreams crusher!

My love, Ryan, and I had a rocky relationship. It was full of lies, deceit, and hurtful words.  Of course there were the good times, times that I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world...but the more time went on, the less I felt that way.  Throughout all the bad, I still didn't want anything other than him.  Every time him and reached out to each other after several months of not speaking, the bond we had and the love we shared seemed to be more than perfect. But yesterday, reality struck me...

When two people break up after a true relationship, an emptiness is left within the two people.  Eventually the two will talk again and second guess whether they should be together or not.  If the two choose to try it again, well that's when you have entered the "in between" phase.  The phase where there are no fights, no worries, just pure happiness. This is due to the fact that a couple trying to build a relationship isn't going to fight and bring up issues from the past, ruining what they've started.  Once you move past this phase and get back into the relationship, getting comfortable... this is when the fights, lies arise, and problems from the past bring back an unhappy relationship...the reason you two broke up in the first place.

In my situation, I will always love Ryan. Even if he has put me through a long heart-wrenching two years, he will always be a major part of my life.  But as of last night, I made it clear that we will never be together.  Something that put me in tears to say, something that I couldn't stand telling the guy I love, but something that was much overdo.  Two people who become each other's poison should not try to be together again.  Now I will go back to the life style I am most comfortable with... not letting a single person in and keeping all senses of relationships and affections far away, for I am most happy when I am alone

                           Yours truly,
                         Amanda Rae

PS. Ryan, if you ever do come across this... Just know that I was in love with who I thought you were, but I clearly don't even know the real you.

Highschool

        The time has finally come where I say goodbye to all my classmates and friends who are moving onto the real world.  As I take all my final exams and final steps out of my high school, I think about what all has happened to me during my years in school...

         I think about my time from freshman year to my senior year.  As high school began for me, I was an innocent girl who didn't know much other than what others had told me.  I can remember saying, "Ew, I'll never smoke" or "I'm going to save my virginity for the special guy."  What a joke! I steadily fight with the battle to QUIT smoking and my virginity went to my friend's brother, not a special guy at all.  I had goals when I became a high schooler that quickly dissolved into just focusing on having a good time.  Each year in high school was a different experience and different important phase in my life.

Freshman...

       Freshman year,  I rekindled my friendship with the girl I call my best friend. She was a class ahead of me, so when she went off to high school, our friendship pretty much faded away.  Since we were now going to the same school, we became best friends all over again.  I think the only thing I remember learning from my freshmen year was that the party life was exactly what I wanted.

Sophomore...

        Sophomore year...oh hell, what a year. This is the year I slipped off the deep end.  I became committed to one thing... getting high, drunk, and having a good time.  Well the party life is never a good thing when it comes to school. My grades dropped drastically and I eventually just gave up on even showing up to class. I left my English class that year with a 3 average, forcing me to attend summer school. That summer I met a boy, the boy that will forever hold a place in my heart.  He was into all the things I was into and we eventually started dating.  As time went on, I fell in love and have yet to fall out. 

Junior...

        Junior year, the year I thought I grew up.  Most of this school year I was in a relationship with the boy I met over the summer.  I slowly left the party life, only returning for some reunions, ha ha. School, however, still wasn't my main focus, for I would have rather spent my time with my boyfriend and friends.  I got a letter in the mail informing me I had to go to court due to my absences and I most likely wouldn't pass the school year.  I was forced to go to school every day and actually make an effort to pass.  My grades sky rocketed! My teachers didn't believe I was capable of reaching such grades, but I proved them all wrong.  As my schooling improved, my family life didn't.  I got pregnant with the love of my life, and the baby was never born...leaving me with a feeling that life wasn't what I was making of it. 

Fina11y, Senior...

         Senior year, the year I became a woman...or the year that changed ALL my views on life.  I moved to South Carolina two weeks into my senior year, leaving all my closest friends behind.  In my new high school, I met some friends but they weren't the right friends to be hanging out with.  I went right back to partying and eventually had no stopping.  October 2nd, I got arrested with a DUI blowing a .16.  I went through multiple classes and meetings to help me with my problem.  This is when I learned I will never drink and drive a day in my life. In the mist of all of this, I dropped the party friends and became friends with some people that I will never forget.  These are the people whom have helped me stop drinking, all together, and move on to life goals.  I now will graduate with all A's and B's and leave my senior year eventually becoming a member of the United States Navy. 

         High school is all about change and hard times to shape the person you become once you enter the real world.  There is no more attending summer school for a second chance, teachers reminding you to turn something in, or any one other than yourself making you obtain success.  High school did it's job on me because I believe I've turned out better than I ever once thought.  With my knowledge and experience I'm bound to reach the highest of all levels. '

                                      Yours Truly,
                                     Amanda Rae

Stuck

         To my readers, I'm sorry about the delay... My laptop has broken and my computer time is limited. It has been several weeks and in that several weeks a lot has come over me about my past...my past that will linger forever on with me.  Those who know me well will know exactly who this is about, though some of you may not like it... this is a part of me and you'll just have to learn to accept that.  Amanda Rae has been in love...

         Yes, it's crazy I know.  I stopped believing in love about the age of twelve, never experiencing a relationship or an emotional connection to another being.  My parents didn't exactly have a great marriage to say in the least. My father was an alcoholic and bipolar, which didn't mix well.  My days were spent worrying whether or not there was going to be the usual screaming fight in the garage or the normal mental beatdown from my father.  I taught myself after my parents got divorced that love just isn't real.  I constantly reminded myself that love is unattainable and forever is a fairy tale.   Instead of getting caught up in the emotional deteriation that a relationship brings, I learned to no longer care for anyone else.  I became heartless. I broke hearts and turned my back with a smile saying, "Job well done!" 

         Instead of doing the right thing, I followed my father's footsteps, for I'm very much like him in multiple ways. I became an alcoholic and a druggie.  During my party stage, I met a boy. He believed in everything I believed, which was to not believe.  Now I believe that our simliar views is what made us connect.  Him and I began to spend much of our time together, but never believed anything would come out of it... we were just having fun, or so we thought. 

         October 7th he asked me to be his girlfriend and after about three-four months of spending time together, I say, "Hell... why not?"  NEVER to my acknowledge did I think I'd be falling in love with him and NEVER did I think I would be stuck in a situation that I couldn't control.  I'm all about controlling every emotion I express, for emotions are simply made up in the mind.  Well I lost control, and have yet to get it back.

         This is the man I was pregnant with, if you hadn't guessed that yet.  Our blue-eyed angel was never brought to this world, leaving a pit of emptiness within the both of us.  Him and I are obviously no longer together, but he still lingers on throughout much of what I do.  I'm stuck with a mind that doesn't believe in love, except for one person.  I loved or love one man, and it will forever be that way.  I choose to not let myself lose control with another person.  The pain of becoming so close together in a bond that is near unbreakable and then losing the other half to your bond, is just about unbearable. 

         No, the last thing I want is to be in a relationship again.  My beliefs are still as I have expressed, not believing in love.  I do not think two people and can last forever, it just doesn't happen.  Two people can be happy together and work in a relationship, but when the word love and forever intervene, you know that's just impossible. I realize, I probably make no sense but understand this...My mind will never been understood.  I choose to not live in the ordinary.

                           Yours truly,
                         Amanda Rae

No, I'm not easy...

         Warning, to those who get squeamish or disturbed by discussions of sex... click "back" on top of your screen.

           I've always been the type of girl to tell you what I was thinking whether or not you asked for my opinion.  The only time I let things slide, is when it came to a guy hitting on me.  I usually thought to myself, "Hey, it's a boost of ego for the day... what's the harm?"  Well the harm is that once you allow the cat calling to begin, it dramatically thickens into sexual innuendo. It goes from a guy saying, "Hey girl you look fine" to "Talk dirty to me to help me out with... (you know the rest).

          Here lately I've become on point on how I introduce myself to another guy.  My slogan, "Hi I'm Amanda and I don't do relationships or hook-ups so don't think about it."  Guys seem to not know how to respond because truth be told, it is a little strong for a first impression.  But it's shows to men that no, I don't want to get serious with you and no that does not mean I want to sleep with you.  YET guys either don't believe me or try to change my ways.  NEWS FLASH: You can't change my belief on love and you damn sure aren't going to get in my pants with out a relationship, but wait I don't do relationships.... get my point?

           I'm tired of the boys who believe they can't fight past my brick wall of self indulgence due to some ungodly ego they have for themselves.  Recently I've become so tired that my feedback is ever so opposite from sweet.  Basically, my goal is to tear these guys down from inside out.  Not the ones who try to get sexual for the first time, but the ones who continually do it thinking that I might just up and change my mind.  I have a couple responses I store at the back of my mind like flashcards, ready for the next ego beat-down I intend to give.  

          1.  Here is one that was used TODAY:  "Listen all this talk about sex makes me realize how much I think you are desperate.  You constantly "hit me up" with dirty things thinking you are making me melt like butter.  Truth is, you are so far from turning me on it's disturbing.  How about you go hit on another girl in your list of "girla I think are easy" because I'm clearly not in that list" 

          2. More of a softer response: "I understand that you find me attractive and a cool girl. BUT I've told you before I don't want to get sexual with anyone right now.  I'm not looking for a relationship which must happen in order for me to get sexual. So please refer to me as just a friend, as I've said before"  

          3. Last one isn't so sweet:  "I think you've made it clear that you've got the hots for me.  But in order for sex to happen, we both have to have the hots for each other.  Don't you think if I found you attractive in any sense, I would have complimented you or at least played along in your little dirty talk games.  In reality, the thought of us together without any clothes on makes me refer back to the time I had mono, when the toilet became my hugging partner.  So how about you delete my number?"

          Yes Readers, these are cruel and very blunt.  If you have a person, male or female, who constantly tries to get in your pants when you have constantly told them it wasn't going to happen... blunt is more than needed.  We need more people in this world to keep the zipper to our pants up. I'm sure many of you are going to say, "Amanda... you've slept around before."  Honestly, yes I have but I'm a changed person and "my goods" are called "MY goods" for a reason.  Nobody else needs them but myself.  If I can handle another man, I can handle pleasing myself so don't make any offers.

          Sex should not be frowned upon because we as mature readers know that sex makes the world go round.  Sex although, should be an act that is worth something.  I don't believe in waiting until marriage to have sex, because in that case it's almost like having sex with your sibling.  You gain such a strong emotional connection, that by the time you are ready for "beneath the sheets time", you've gotten too close to see each other in that way.  Eh, that may be just my belief.  Point is, keep your hoo-hahs and shlongs to yourselves until the time is right and stop asking for mine.

                                        Yours truly,

                                      Amanda Rae

My Religion

        First of all, this blog is not intended to offend anyone.  It does not make judgments against the Christian, Allah, or any kind of god. This is all MY belief of my own twisted religion. Honesty, I can not argue against any religion, for I have not read a story in a bible or done any kind of research upon another religion.  Basically, I know bits and pieces about certain things.  Confusion portrays my view of a belief of god.  I found the image below on Google.com after I searched "Many gods".  No, I don't know EXACTLY what it means, but it says coexist.  Which in my mind, represents the coming of all gods together to coexist and become united.  Though, the god I'm about to discuss is not included, I think that we should not frown upon anyones religion, but embrace the faith one has.

        I asked my mother the other day a question that has been concerning me for sometime now.  If you read my previous blog, you'd know I've got more of a back bone and the courage to express true beliefs from here on out.  I asked her, "Christians say that if you don't believe in god, you are going to hell.  Well what about people from other countries? Are they going to hell because they don't believe in god and jesus and all these other characters the bible includes?" She told me that it was her own opinion that people should believe in a god, whether it be the Christians god, or Allah, or Buddha.

        Well I'm following the religion of which my father has brought to my attention.  My god, or maker, is a little boy.  Yes, you heard that correctly.  He is a young kid, no older than ten years old.  He has no name, no purpose, no proof of existence (Just as the rest of the gods).  He has a young spirit, a kind heart, and a huge imagination... I believe we are all toys!
      

        Some little boy in a far away place has a toy box which consists of a variety of toys, also known as ethnicities here on Earth.  When he brings a new toy out, a new baby is born.  When he puts a toy back into the toy box, a person's life is taken away.  You may wonder, well how does this even make sense?  A child can not simply be the controller or maker of all of us, there is no evidence of such a thing.  For one, no god has ever made a proof of existence so don't frown upon the "little boy religion". Two those who follow the bible, nine times out of ten don't even follow the whole darn thing. To those who do, by all means, believe in what you believe... I'm not trying to change your religious views.  But a child can be my god just as some man we don't know really exists can be yours.  

       My god, or the made-up child in your eyes, is my religion and the more I think about it... the more I become set-in-stone in my belief.  It makes perfect sense to me, and maybe that's because I do have a diverse opinion on a lot of views of things in life.  But if what my mother says is correct, about just believing in a god, well I found mine and don't think it should be frowned upon.  

                                          Yours truly,

                                        Amanda Rae