Sunday, November 27, 2016


          There is a time in life when the blood in your body rushes faster and faster through your insides and you feel this warmth consume you.  You start to feel your hair on your arms raise and this chill in your back makes you quiver.  Your mouth becomes dry and it almost seems like your grip could be strong enough to crack a coconut.  This moment could be from extreme heights of anger or this moment could be from ground-breaking joy.   The way our bodies react physically to emotional stimulation has always fascinated me. I felt this rage of physical changes in my body.  I looked in the mirror. 

          I don't know a single soul that hasn't dealt with self pity.  Some cases are worse than others.  At the end of the day, we all have something we dislike in ourselves and struggle to overcome. As I said, some cases are worse than others and that was me. I was a freaking basket-case, for a lack of better terminology.  If it was socially acceptable to black out all mirrors in my home, I would have done so in the past.  I let demons consume me.  They crept into my thought processes and I blamed myself for every single bad thing that ever entered into my life.  No matter the situation, it was my fault. Some mistake in the past led to this moment in my life and I deserve this.  I deserve this agonizing pain.  But I looked in the mirror yesterday. 


        For the first time, I felt that raging passion of emotion running through my body for me.  It was all for me.  I looked in the mirror and I saw me for the beautiful woman I am.  I do not deserve harm.  I do not deserve to be consumed with demons... demons from situations or demons in people. People around you time and time are going to try and break you down.  People who know your demons will grab on to them and use them as pushing points.  People who don't love you throughout your journey will try and make you not love yourself.  But I have a question that I'm having a hard time answering for myself.  Is it okay to expose the demons of someone else?  

          Let's just say Bobby Joe had an issue with the color purple.  You knew this, because you helped Bobby Joe get through this situation.  You watched the tears and the pain the color purple caused him.  Would you talk about the color purple to him?  Would you talk about the color purple around him to other friends? I have two conflicting answers that are battling like the Hatfield and McCoys and I can't seem to find a neutral agreement.  One thought tells me that talking about it brings up memories and demons that Bobby may not want to relive, so out of respect, you simply just don't bring up the color purple unless Bobby brings it up first.  My other thoughts tell me that talking about it with Bobby helps him deal with it in an outside setting.  Because the color purple will always be discussed around him, so he will have to learn to adjust his reaction when it's brought up in conversation.  Can Bobby look in the mirror?

          Issues of our social times are more exposed now than they ever were.  Which is also why people believe this world is more evil than it is good.  We focus on it. The media thrives on it.  But what if Bobby doesn't want his demons exposed?  Is it okay to expose the issue Bobby had with the color purple to other people?  One thought says, it's not your right.  The other thought says, it could put a filter on conversations brought up around him... which in the end is a way of protecting him. What if Bobby was okay with only a select few knowing he is coping with the color purple.  And although he knows the color purple is out there, he just chooses to not let other people know he has had a bad run in with the color purple.  Is it okay to let other people know Bobby had this dilemma?  Were you there for this thing that the color purple did to him?  Or were you just there to help him pick up the pieces afterward?  How can you expose something to someone without knowing the entire situation?  I can tell Lisa Frank that I don't like ketchup and she may tell Bobby Joe that I don't like tomatoes, because that's the way she interpreted it.  But I love tomatoes. So should we really be talking about someones demons if they aren't our own?  When is a good time to do so?  

          I don't know the answers to these questions, which is why I ask upon any of the readers to give their interpretation.  If you're dealing with demons, if you're dealing with voices around you discussing your demons freely, and if you're struggling with any of the above... look in the mirror.  Look and the mirror and always remember one thing.  You are who you want to be.  You are not who they say you are!  

                                                                        Yours truly,
                                                                       Amanda Rae

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Pausing time

          Have you ever stood before a beautiful landscape such as the fog across the mountain tops or the sunset hitting against white caps on a river and just felt frozen... as if time wasn't moving forward... as if the world had paused just for a moment to let you soak in the beauty without worrying about the passing of time?  If time could only just really pause so we could spend all of our seconds day-dreaming into the beauty of this world.  Unfortunately, time doesn't pause.  Time doesn't ever stand still for us even when we most desire it.  It's simliar the serenity we feel from a slow song that sings all the right words speaking into a "stretched too thin" heart.  The way you feel the words sink into your skin as your eyes start to shut in a way hoping that it'll trap all the good vibes it's sending throughout your body.  We hope for that beautiful ending that makes us feel like all these troubles will fade away just like the rythym and beat of the song do.   But that's the thing... it doesn't fade away.  We are still standing on that mountain edge and hours have passed.  We are still laying in bed with our heaphones in and the song has just ended and now we lay in silence.  Nothing has changed.  Reality is still there...

          Those are the moments where we must learn our inner strength.  We so often find things to cover up our issues due to what it feels like to expose yourself to those around you.  In society I've realized very quickly that if you break down you're most likely one of three things...1. A liar.  Because who on earth would vent about such huge dilemmas unless they were just trying to get attention from a crowd of people they barely knew or barely cared (sometimes we can't tell the difference).  2.  Weak.  I mean, c'mon you really have to complain about things like this... children in other countries are starving.  3.  Damaged. All they ever do is get sad and cry about things going on in their life. I just can't take this negativity all of the time.  How... and excuse my maturity of language here... How fucked up have we all become?  Because I'm not going to sit here and hold myself holier than thou as if I've never put someone in one of these categories.  I'm all for being aware of your surroundings and understanding who someone is before they begin to take advantage of you or pull the wool over your eyes.  Yet, at the same time... when did our hearts shrink so small that we couldn't even give a saddened soul the time of day to feel like someone actually cared to hear their issues?

          I haven't posted in a blog in a while and the time lapse between each post is so far apart, that I'm sure nobody truly follows this piece of shit anymore.  I don't really care about that at this point in my life. Life has taken me in places I never thought I'd experience... or actually let me be honest... I thought I'd experience eventually, just not so soon. I won't even begin to "cry" about my issues into my post right now.  Honestly, my anger with society will cloud my judgement with what I want to write instead of what I should write.  I just hope that if at any second you found yourself thinking back to someone that tried to reach out to you and instead of giving them an open heart, you shut them out and didn't devote any time to helping them see things through... I hope you reconsider that thought process next time.  Because one day you will come to a point in your life where all you desire is someone to reach out to you and demand you to cry... force you to fess up to what's been going on in your life... make you tell them what's going on no matter how many times you tell everyone it's okay.  All because you were scared of whether or not they would take you serious.  All because you were scared they would place you in one of those three categories.   It's okay to be sad.  It's quite okay to be lost and need some help along the way.  It's okay to be angry with the way things are going and desire a time to vent.  What isn't okay is the lack of support we offer to those we call "friends". 

                                                                           Yours truly,
                                                                          Amanda Rae
                                                                 (someone you can talk to)

Monday, November 30, 2015


       Today my therapist asked me how many people would write me down on their list of "good" people.  I answered with four names.  He asked me what made me good in their eyes in my opinion.   Ever asked a self-loather to list great deeds they have done or good qualities about themselves?  I found myself stumbling for words and following up every sentence with a nervous laugh and then a quick apology.  He kept asking me what I was sorry for, but I couldn't answer.  I didn't even know why I was apologizing, but I felt the need to every time I rambled on.  He knew and I have known, but it hasn't been as burdening of a feeling since here in the last few weeks.  He knew...we lack compassion.

        I have three dear people that are very close to my heart suffering with some things in their lives.  All three have apologized for times that I've tried to help.  I never made any sign of not wanting to do whatever it was that I was doing.  Whether it be getting groceries, talking to that person until three in the morning, or just listening to them vent about all these thoughts they were having.  I wouldn't have been anywhere else in the world but there to help that person I care for.  But they apologized. They felt bad for letting me help them.  In all three situations, I asked to help.  They never came to me, I came to them.  Even after I pleaded my case of love and asked them not apologize, they all responded with some sorry excuse for why they were apologizing.  I say sorry excuse, because I now know why they and we as a society apologize.  We lack compassion.

        Lets use some examples.  Think to yourself how you would truly respond to these two statements that might be said by someone close to you...
       "I've had a terrible day at work.  Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  I'm just so annoyed."
What's your response?
        Because if you turn the focus to you and start to describe everything that went wrong with your day.  You lack compassion.  You are part of the reason people apologize.  Maybe you say sorry and then tell them.... " Well at least you didn't have to deal with blah blah blah."  You are definitely the reason people apologize.  I'm not going to tell anyone what they should think, feel, or say.  But in order to really make someone feel like you care from your heart, then actually care.  Ask why their day was bad.  Ask what you could possibly do to help or what they would like to do to relax.  Treat them like their issue actually matters and try to instill postivity into them so they can look forward to tomorrow.   Now what if your day was actually just as bad?  What if that whole day you felt terribly sick and almost felt like quitting your job?  Do you tell them this in their moment of distress?  I say don't.  For two reasons.  If you strive to be a remarkable friend, family member, or lover you have to learn how to put that other person first at times when needed.  If you just starting venting about your day shortly after your companion has confessed their stress... who is the rock to lean on.  Who is leaning on who? Who is instilling the postivitiy and trying to create a way to make the day better?  Probably niether after you've both soaked in your sorrows. 
       What if someone tells you, "Man, my boyfriend is pissing me off.  He just is being so annoying today."  How do you respond?
        I've heard it too many times..."At least you have someone to care for you.  You'll be fine, don't worry about it."  What is so hard in changing that self absorbed nonchalent statement into something more meaningful such as... "I'm sorry you two have been fighting.  I know you both deeply care for each other. Maybe he has had a bad day.  I hope it gets better soon."  Maybe you ask what they are fighting about or give some advice for more complex situations.  But don't dilute someone's issues just because you don't feel like hearing it.  What if someone just didn't want to hear your issues and responded in some rude fashion that made you feel ridiculous.  That's why we apologize. We tend to listen to others issues to respond instead of actually listening and helping.  We lack compassion.

       Simple statements can make someone's day either one hundred times better or the complete opposite.  When somone struggles in your life that you care for, your job isn't to make that struggle about yourself and feeling sorry that someone so close to you is going through this obstacle, your job is to make sure they struggle as less as possible.  Time, encouragement, and compassion.  Three simple things that make a significant difference in someone's life.  Stop lacking compassion.  Love all, be easy with your words, and be kind with your heart!

Yours truly,
Amanda Rae

Sunday, October 4, 2015

I've changed and I'm back!

I haven't had the motivation to write in such a long time.  I haven't really seen a purpose in expressing myself for a long time.  Times have changed.  I have changed....

A group photo of all my cousins and my
grandmother from my father's side. RIP Grandma Sallie.

My father and I Christmas
morning years ago
July 20th, I moved back home to Aiken, SC.  A majority of you know the reason why... for those who don't, my grandmother from my mother's side was diagnosed with stage three lung cancer.  Life leading up to my decision to move was very complicated.  I was in a relationship with someone, whom I still believe to this day was the best guy to ever walk into my life.  He changed me in ways I didn't believe I'd ever have the strength or will-power to do on my own.  However... we did not work well together.  Love isn't always enough.  We broke up July fourth weekend while I was visiting my family with him.  I was lost.  I lived with him... well not completely, but I stayed at his house every single night.  Either way, I didn't know what to do.  Something came across my mind to offer my assistance to my family whom I knew would need help getting some things done while doctor's visits and energy loss became more apparent.  I got an offer to move in with someone, and the next week I was packing boxes. 

My graduation day with my mother, sister, and brother.
I grew up very close to family, but as the years passed on I started to drift away from everyone.  I didn't keep in contact with my aunts and uncles.  I barely spoke to any of my grandparents.  My father and I didn't want to speak to each other and I didn't even get along with the family I lived with.  I was bitter.  I hated a lot of people for a very long time due to their lack of efforts.  I held on to words said and insults made while we were all in bad spots in our lives. I chose to not care about family, because you truly don't choose who your family is. I believed it was my own personal choice whether or not I should have to care about them. Life changes very quickly when you watch someone you really love in your family suffer.  I have changed...

My two best friends, Rachel and Sigoni.
I started spending every day with my grandmother, whether it was on my break from work or the days I had off.  (Just for some insight on a piece of our past.... last time I lived in Aiken, I got a DUI in her vehicle.  I used to steal all of their beer and get drunk in my room my senior year of high school.  So, lets just say she probably had some kind reservations on my likelihood of who I was now that I can actually legally drink).  Within all of our visits, we talked about a lot of things.  My drinking, my life obstacles, how I viewed certain issues in our family, her past and upbringing, and then we talked about religion.  She knew for a long time that I had been agnostic.  I asked for her advice on how to learn about God.  She pointed me to my uncle Jeff. A month later, I am now saved.  I am a child of Christ and I have never felt more joy.  Mama started to see a different side of me and I got to build a bond with her.  Not just any bond, we became each other's voice of reasoning and filled each other's voids with laughter.  This journey home hasn't only given me a full heart but wisdom beyond what I thought possible.  When you've continued to be the same person for so long, it's very hard to let someone alter your views and change who you are completely.  I have changed...

No matter what has happened in my family, all the awful things that have been done and said back and forth... I love all of you.  For the ones I still may not talk to as often as I should, I love you.  To those who did so much for me that I left in Virginia on my travels here, I love you.  To my step mother and father who have welcomed me in their home, I love you. 

My sister and I at the airport in Charlotte.
See, we as people have too much hate in our hearts.  We have too much self-absorbed focuses rather than what other people are struggling with.  It's a pretty sad world we live in now... but why?  Because your neighbor doesn't treat you kindly?  Do you treat them kindly?  Do you go out of your way to help people in all ways possible?  Do you remind those you love, that you truly love them and appreciate them.  The world is too focused on what others AREN'T doing for them instead of what they AREN'T doing for others.  Watching Mama suffer to move around or even take a sip of her water opened my eyes.  It's not about what I feel anymore, it's about what she feels.  It's about what I can do for her to make her struggles become easier.  I can move without hurt, so let me lift my fingers enabling her to not have to lift a thing.  Within watching her consistent appreciation for me, I grew angry.  Yes, angry.  "Why is she thanking me for something I just naturally feel compelled to do...she is family for Christ's sake.  This is how family is supposed to treat each other.  I don't even have to think twice, this is just what you do for those you love.  It goes without thought," is what I asked myself. But the truth of the matter, as we all know, this isn't how family treats each other.  This isn't how mankind treats one another.  It's not even how I used to treat my family before this trip back home.  That terrifies me.  Was I really one of those people who didn't do everything possible for those who cared about me once before.  What did I actually miss out on because my eyes weren't open... Are you going to complain about it, or are you going to be different? What can you change about yourself to make the things around your life more beautiful? 

We can't fix everything.  I can't heal my grandmother and I can't make my family and friends love me throughout all of my mistakes.  But you know what, I can damn sure try!

A collage of my family members including my
 Mama in the white sweater on the right-hand side of the top picture.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Keep Your Arms Open

      Tonight I'm going to hit on a very personal topic.  Something that's relatable to a lot of people, yet uncomfortable for others.  But first I want to elaborate my reasons for this blog to avoid any confusion or "judgey" remarks.  This blog isn't for anyone to know a deeper version of me.  I write for my readers.  Whether it's advice, educational reasons, finding common grounds, or just pleasurable. I write for those who care to read.  I don't need or really want many people to see a blueprint of my mind.  On the other hand, when my personal struggles become a helpful tool for another, I have no will to hold back and not write about things I don't even choose to speak about with those around me.  I don't want anyone to feel alone.  Simple as that.

This past week has been a tough one.  I've hit a place I know all too well from my past.  The thing is, nobody really knows...

     Depression and anxiety are two things that have been more talked about in society than it used to be.  This, as well as everything in life, comes with pros and cons.  Pro; we're shedding light to a subject that can actually help more people move forward in their lives.  They don't feel abnormal and shunned as often when talking about their demons.  Con; people don't believe your struggles or think, "You're just trying to get attention.  There is no way you're actually depressed... you're life isn't even that hard."  Just please understand one thing before I move forward with this post.  You can't believe everything you hear in life.  That's common knowledge.  But living as if everyone is lying all the time makes it very hard to grasp those really beautiful moments of love for the things around you.  People do struggle sometimes, yes. People do lie sometimes, yes.  Not everything is a struggle, and not everything is a lie. Open your heart.  When you downplay a person's level of depression, you're making it worse.  Please, just understand that.

      I did something this week that I'm not proud about.  Something I'm very unpleased with. I've been clean for over a year, but something put me back in that place again.  Thing is, I don't even know what put me that low.  I can't pinpoint it like I'd love to do.  I can't put my finger on it and give you a black and white reason.  I can't tell you what I was really thinking about.  I can't even tell you why I did it.  It just happened and all I can do now is fight like hell to stay strong and not get that low again.  Within this same week, I caused a lot of commotion with a group a friends during a night out.  A lot of them saw me act in a way I'm shameful of.  But more than embarrassing myself due to my actions, a couple of them saw my pain.  My inner demons were out for the whole world to see.  I exposed myself in a way I was not prepared or even willing to do.  It just happened. 

      I'm lucky enough to have friends that I don't believe are judgmental.  They help me get out of the mess I was in and never made a bigger deal out of a situation that could have been a lot worse.  When I made my mistake, I had a friend talk to me about a trip he went on.  Just talk about the trees, the scenery, a building you passed by, what songs you listened to in the car... just talk to me about something descriptive.  I didn't want to talk about what was going on, I just needed something else I could sink myself into that didn't involve my life.  I don't talk about it willingly or casually.  What happened or what I used to do in the past... people don't need to know that side of me unless I chose to speak upon it.

      Think about the cashier at the gas station you go to frequently, some of your co-workers, friends of friends, or even family members.  Think about how often you see them smile and some of the conversations you hold with them.  People typically seem happy...especially sad people.  Nobody knows what people endure in their lives. You don't know what they go home to or what they go home without.  Have you seen any of them sad or upset before?  Not just the typical long day blues, but actual distress.  Have you spoke up?  Have you disregarded any of their attempts to vent to you?  Maybe you should open your ears and heart for five minutes, because you never know what that five minutes could mean to someone's entire life.

       I'm all for covering up your demons instead of putting your guard completely down for everyone to comment on.  But I want two things to start changing in life.  One, I want people to start feeling more comfortable with themselves and not be scared to talk about something they struggle with.  Two, if someone chooses you as their person to open up with, accept them.  Open your arms and let them confide in you.  It doesn't matter how big or small the issue may seem to you.  We can't judge hardships by what is worse or what is easier.  Emotion discomfort isn't measurable.  Feelings can't be put on a scale or put into a chart of at which level this should affect someone. People just need people sometimes.  It's hard enough to feel like anyone wants to listen to your issues already. When you feel a level of trust within someone to where you can actually reveal your demons to someone... Oh the release, it's the most beautiful yet terrifying chain of events. And its satisfying.  It's an outlet.  Depression is a demon.  We try to cover it up upon layers and layers of fake smiles and laughter.  We all break down.  We all have our moments of needing someone but not knowing who to reach out to.  If more people offered to put their hand out and welcome more people in, we would all be a happier place.  We're too scared of judgment or feeling as if we will look weak. We're scared of getting hurt deeper than we already are.  Stop.  Don't live life in fear.  Easier said than done, I understand.  Be the person you would want to open up to.  Be the person you want everyone else to be with you. 

      Just be a helpful human being and accept more love in your life.  Ask that cashier if she is okay next time you see her head down.  Offer to help.  Whether she wants help or not, you tried.  That's all we can ever do anyways.

Yours truly,
Amanda Rae

Friday, March 20, 2015

Your Personal Theme Park

"It's not what you've lost, but it's what you find."
      Why do I think about you? Or you? Or you? Or you?  Why do I think about you in such a way I know this heart of mine can not with stand?  Three of you.  Three of you stepped all over me and I still hold my hand out and help you back into my life.  For what?  Do you need somewhere to lay your garbage?  Do you need someone around that you know you can still hurt?  Well, that person is no longer me. 

      My life has put me in some sticky situations.  Life is supposed to be a rollercoaster I believe.  You get into that seat, strap on the seat belt, take off... start to question whether this was a good idea, you adjust yourself and get comfortable, take the ride, your fearful or the adrenaline has taken over and you're enjoying it, and then you get off still shaken from the thrill of the ride itself.   That's life. Sometimes the ride sucks and other times the feeling we got was so intense we want to ride it again. We start new journeys and don't necessarily think about where we are going until we get there.  We sometimes think it was a wasted journey and other times we're glad we took that route.  You just have to figure out what rides are worth it after you've ridden most of them in that theme park.  Well, there are some roller coasters I'm not riding anymore.  The really big ones that had that big drop in the end and I kind of peed my pants a little.  The ones where that big turn made my head hit the seat and I had a headache for the rest of the day.  The one where it gave me motion sickness and ruined my entire day.  I will not put myself back into those life situations where I now know where I end up in the end.

      I've struggled with getting over my father here for the past ten years.  I've made my efforts in achieving a decent relationship.  I've decided time and time again that I was done trying and that always relentlessly leads me back to feeling guilty for giving up.  No matter how nasty he has been to me or anything he has ever put me through, I always give him the upper hand by caving into the thought of things possibly working out.  I have put myself down about my first ex boyfriend who lied about literally everything you can physically lie about.  I felt dumb for allowing myself to believe him and even more dumb for allowing myself to be irresponsible enough to wind up pregnant with him.  How can someone as strong willed as I am go into such a weak state of falling for a man with such a low quality of humanity? I've struggled with my inner self thinking I'm not good enough for myself, let alone someone else.  I'm a Gemini.  Although, I'm not profound on believing everything that comes along with horoscopes, I do believe there are two of me. The person I am and the person that everyone else sees. I'm a very dark person although many see a colorful bubbly girl.  People actually believe that I'm egotistical and I find it hilarious.  My true thoughts, the ones I repeat over and over again in my head, are things nobody hears.  My father, my ex, and my inner self are all rollercoasters that I'm not riding anymore. 

      I'm a survivor of all my demons.  I've played the survivor role to those around me but to myself I kept seeing myself still as a victim.  I never allowed myself to get off those rides and not look back.  It's as if I was seeing those rollercoasters on the other side of the theme park and days I chose to walk away from them, and other days I'd run over to them because I missed that feeling.  The feeling that I might actually like this ride because it's been so long and I might have gotten over my old feelings for it.  Those rides always turn out the same and I'm done.  Done putting myself in the mindset to victimize myself and feel that pain creep through my mind.  My father will never be worth my breath.  My ex doesn't deserve the slightest thought through my mind.  And my inner self will learn how to sit the hell down and not take over my motivation and courage to continue on to my great life.

      When one door closes, another opens.  When we go through hardships in life, we find out more about ourselves.  Sometimes it leads you to find someone great in your life that can understand your battles.  Other times it shows a lot about your strength and what your heart can actually withstand.  We fight wars every day.  Every single one of us.  So many plans we have all made.  So many things change and get lost along the way.  You can either choose to put that roller coaster out of commission or you can ride it as frequently as you want even while knowing the potential damage it may cause.  Take some time to feel alright before its gone.  Nothing hard goes away quickly.  That's life.  With weakness comes strength. With strength comes better opportunity.  We are all beautiful people in our own little funky ways.  Dance in your theme park.  Ride those fun rides and throw your arms in the air.  Feel the wind hit your face and enjoy life.  But when you know that the ride isn't worth the sacrifice, take it out of your life.  Experience the great things and don't be fearful of the hard things.  We are all stronger than we believe we are.  I am stronger than I ever once thought I was.  I'm enjoying this new rollercoaster I'm on and I call it Self Love.  I don't think I'm getting off any time soon.

                                                                                       Yours truly,
                                                                                      Amanda Rae

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Dancing in the Clouds

       It's been a while readers... a while being an understatement.  I'd be pretty surprised if I even still had readers.  My last post was in 2013. Seems to be that I have a lot updating to do.  I'm tired of telling my story though.  Another stranger who seems confused by all my endeavors and lifestyle. Another person I have to explain how I got to where I am.  Life is crazy.  It takes you in places you never thought you'd go.  Sometimes your high and other times you feel as if you checked into the basement of rock bottom.  I miss writing though.  For two important reasons that I wish I had never replaced with unnecessary choices.  One, I miss freeing my mind.  The way it feels to hit your fingers across a keyboard and let out all the pent up emotions you feel like people will never understand or even care for that matter.  Two,  being taken back by all the ones who use to message me privately thanking me and asking for advice... and just understanding.  So here I go again, this is where I am.

      When I was younger, I refused to fall in love.  I refused to open up and allow a man into my life.  I was young and na├»ve.  Fearful without knowing what I was actually scared about.  Somewhere along my life, I changed.  I grew up and I started to acknowledge relationships as something acceptable.  Something I wanted to be a part of.  I've dated.  I've fallen in love.  My spirit has danced in the clouds where all the people who are head over heals go and it has fallen back down to square one in the darkness.  You have to pick yourself and keep going.  The physical pain was easy.  The emotional pain was damaging.  But being alone was unbearable.  Until now.

        Every time I broke up with a boyfriend, I moved on very quickly.  Even though I didn't really believe in being in love and it lasting, I always ended up finding someone new.  I tried to convince myself that I wanted to be alone, but you can't shake the truth. You can't help what you feel.  I wish I was wiser in my choices with men. I hated being alone so immensely that I settled for the guys who didn't deserve my time. I probably wouldn't be as unforgivable as I am now to mistakes.  When love has not taken over and a guy messes up, I walk away.  Too quickly.  And I never look back.  When I love, I forgive too often and then I end up having to pull out my wonder woman strength card out and pick myself back up.  I'm over having to pick myself up. I'm over not being accepting of certain qualities because of what my past has put me through.  One extreme or the other.  There should be a point of meeting in the middle when it comes to forgiving or not forgiving.  It's about the rush of feelings at that time in your life.  This isn't about my past relationships though.  This is about trying to figure out what has changed within me.

      I was just with someone who I loved very deeply and thought I was going to marry.  We didn't just live in the moment, we planed life together.  He influenced me to change my bad qualities and shaped my personality into a well rounded, wholesome structure.  Though I knew I was changing, I didn't know how intense it really was until we broke up.  As I said, I typically move on very quickly.  I'm never truly alone, at least not for long.  I wanted it that way... to not be alone...back then.  Now, I'm happy to be alone.  I don't want him back.  I'm not sad that it didn't work out.  I'm not talking to anyone.  My life has been running in a series of stories like this.
      The rushing of heat across my face as that cute guy handed me his number and told me to come see him in a couple days fell flat on the floor when I could see the inner Amanda rolling her eyes at the denial of my intentions.  He was cute.  And I don't just mean, "yeah, he is a decent guy" kind of cute.  He seemed to be quite wholesome himself.  Pretty smile, confidence, and he clearly took care of his body.  But my intentions never pair up. I never was going to meet him.  I would have never kissed him, or exchanged life stories over some drinks, and definitely would have never allowed it to go anywhere.  The thought of kissing a guy right now makes me cringe.  The last person I kissed was my ex-boyfriend.   I mean when I say I don't miss him.  But my point in recognizing my last kiss is to show that the very last man to kiss my lips was someone whom loved me.  Someone I loved back and someone who left a chill down my spine after each kiss.  I don't want to scrub the regret off my lips after dude man that gave me his number kisses me in a hypothetical situation.  As I'm writing this, I'm laughing.  And this is meant in all seriousness. But if anyone reading this knew who the old Amanda was, this would almost seem like she has died and someone else took over her body.  Kissing a stranger used to not be an issue, but now kissing a potentially well-rounded man disgusts me.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

      I want meaningful kisses... kind of.  I don't want them soon and I don't want them with anyone I know at this point in my life. I don't have feelings for anyone other than myself.  I'm so content with being alone its fearful.  I was fearful once of a relationship and now I'm fearful that I'm too happy alone that I'll never get back out there again. Am I missing out?  Pretty smile guy could have been a good opportunity.  He could have been someone worth my while.  He probably and hopefully didn't even think of me in that view of light, but I'm talking about hypothetical here.  What if I'm so closed off due from my solitude happiness, that I may be missing things?  I don't fear getting hurt.  My strength is a force to be reckoned with.  Fear is not transpiring from a future breakup.  Its transpiring from not wanting to deal with anyone else in my life.  Nobody interests me.  Nobody makes my heart flutter.  I don't want anyone to touch me or fall for me.  I just want to be alone because I'm happy that way.  But I've never been happy that way, so I'm confused.  Where is this coming from?  Have I grown into a woman.   Or have I actually just learned how to love myself?  Have I really not loved myself until now... My emotions are confusing me because this is nothing I've ever felt with myself. I'm alone. Happily alone.  No denial.  No anger or hurt.  I'm dancing in the clouds that singles go to when they are at peace.

                                                                         Yours truly,
                                                                        Amanda Rae

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Back to Life and Writing

I don't know what brought my urge to write again, maybe it's the fact that I feel a change in my life. Maybe it's because today, someone who has been reading my blogs for a long time wrote me.  Maybe it's because I need the creativity flow back in my body.  But tonight, I'm going to talk about something that's been apart of my life for a long time. 
I thought about it when I was younger. I was about twelve or thirteen years old when it first became more than a thought. I remember sitting in my green circle chair in my sponge bob decorated room. I'm not sure if it was because my dad left or if it was because I felt like nobody connected with me as a person. I was young, but all a child wants is to have a great relationship with their parents... And when my best friend and role model left, so did my urge to exist. 

Here in the past three years, it's been more of a thought. It's like a darkness that has crept into my bloodstream. Once the thought becomes an overwhelming desire, there's not much else you can think about. It's a sickness as most people say. But I'm not sick. I wasn't ever sick. The day I made that decision, maybe I was sick. But never did I consider myself to have some sort of sickness. 

People undermine it you know. People think it's all fun and games or someone is just out seeking for attention. Maybe some.  But I never wanted anyone to know. Because if they knew, they would try to stop me.  As I see it, if you really have that "sickness", the last thing you want is someone to know.  Those times that the thoughts and urges come across you when you're laying down for rest, or when you're driving down the road and watch the gravel on the highway pass you by, or the times you go out in public and watch people live their lives wondering if they ever feel that darkness within their bones..those are the times I never wanted anyone to know.  No matter if I wanted to reach out, those who have felt those urges tend to think they have all the answers for a battle you feel like you can't fight. And those who haven't, end up judging or down playing your inner battles. 

So if I never wanted anyone to know, why do I now? Well, I don't think about it everyday.  The past year of my life it crept up the worst it ever has. The thoughts went to preparation. The thoughts went to plans and backup plans on how I could go about it.  I never wanted someone to come across my dead body lying in a bloody pool on the floor. I never wanted a loved one to walk in and see me hanging lifeless from the ceiling of a place I called home.  I always saw myself walking out into the woods of a random town and using a 357 magnum to the head.  That's what the darkness kept showing me.  Then the gun was taken away from the house, as my darkness started to creep out into the light.  I then was going to get a ladder, rope, and go out into the woods with obvious intentions of hanging myself. I wanted to go missing.  That was the plan.  Then for some reason, the darkness didn't want to disappear. It wanted to make me suffer. Not cut the cord to the pain, just amplify the dosage. 

That's when I became what you stereotypical  folks like to call Emo. When the urge came to see my own blood and feel some dreadful pain, I had nothing to use. So I took apart a razor blade and started dragging it across my upper arm. Never did I want to die. Never did I want anyone to find out.  This is why I never cut my wrists. This is why it was in an easily hidden spot.  When I felt the relief... Which wasn't necessarily a relief in good feeling, but a relief that I finally was getting what I deserved... I couldn't stop. Every day I had to do it, or the next day it was worse. Eventually, I talked to someone. It took that. Someone found out and helped me. 

Have I stopped forever? Is the darkness gone? Am I no longer sick? No.  So what is the point of this post? 
Well, in the past five months, what used to happen every day, has happened only twice. My thoughts have not gone away, but I fight it. I fight it because no matter what I've done, I can make up for it in other ways than what I was.  My point is, in all my time of not wanting someone to know, I'm glad that they found out. Who knows where I'd be. How much worse it could have gotten. From the person who got rid of the gun, or the person who talked to me about becoming a better person and making a future that's about making up for the past.. They stopped something that could have been a lot worse. 

The suicide jokes, the name calling of self harmers, the under estimating how "sick" someone really is... Reach out. Whether you care about this person personally, someone does, and it's not a joke, it's not a game, and whatever we as a human race and society can do to prevent someone taking their life, we should. We should extend our arms for and with what's in our reach. Because if that gun was never taken away or that talk was never had with me... I truthfully don't know if I would have ever seen the light again. 

Yours truly, 
Amanda Rae

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Let me make it clear.

         In the last month, I have been called a runaway far more often than necessary.  Fuck that. Pardon my adolescent use of language. I am not a runaway! I have been surrounded by the wrong people far too often and I know when it's my time to back out of a lost battle. I do not run away.  I make myself happy.  Do not depend on anyone for your happiness... Do NOT depend on anyone for your happiness!

         I've turned my back on a plethora of people. I have used my strength to take the steps I need in order to keep myself happy. That's what we should all do.  There is only so much you can take from someone until you find that breaking point. I "ran away" from boyfriends, friends, my non-immediate family, my child, and my father. The only exception for taking the quotations away from "run away" is my child. I made a mistake. Gave up because of the influence of the father and those around me. I ran away. As for the rest, I made the right choice... no matter what people may like to subject their opinions to. 

         It's never easy to walk away from someone you care for intensely.  Whether they have repetitively hurt you or not. From the obvious exception, my child is the hardest yet. I can't take it back as much as continuously hate myself for it.. but my father has been the hardest one to build up the courage to turn away from.  I made my decision a month ago to no longer accept my father into my life. For my family, for all of the people who have concluded I'm a run away, and for all of the people who want a piece of my story... this is why I have taken the last straw and have "run away" from my very own father.

[Dear (wish you could be forgotten) Father,
         I remember it all to clearly... Building that bird house together and feeling so accomplished as we put it on the post together. The tools you got me for Christmas, wearing that little tool belt around my tiny waist trying to be just like you.  The trucking drives we took along all the eastern states.  The way your eyes lit up when I collected the trucking cards and jotted our times down just as you had to. The night you took me to the Monster Jam and created these plans to build me a go-kart so I could start racing. The way our bond seemed too strong to be broken. [And then my parents got divorced.]  I remember calling you for days. I remember running away and coming to your house.  I remember not hearing from you for months. I remember all the terrible things you said about my mother. I remember being broken. I remember seeing our bond be broken.

         It's been nine years since we were that close. Seven since you completely drifted away.  You like to play this roller coaster game. Running in and out of my life like you were trying to show me disappearing tricks from a magic show.  You so easily point out my faults to those close to you. You so easily like to share stories of why we stopped talking.  You so damn easily seem to forget exactly how this story goes.  Every email I've ever sent to you is saved.  Every plead I've made to make this work is engraved in my mind. I always made the effort. I don't want your money. I don't want any gifts. I want my father.  April we talked about all of this. I spelt it out for you.  Explained that I couldn't take you playing those cynical magic tricks anymore. That all I wanted was for you and I to have a relationship.  For you to want to know about my life and the things I go through. That's it. I'm not asking for much. I'm asking you to be the dad I remember from nine years ago or at least a dad that cares about his daughter. And I explained that this was the last chance, no more giving in to your games. No more explaining it for you. I can't explain anything else to you.  It shouldn't need an explanation. ]

         As it always did, those first several weeks after our talk, everything seemed to be going great. I thought once again, this time it's going to work. He really understands. Everytime I thought something had changed.  Something was different this time around and he wouldn't dare let us lose our bond.  Nothing was different. [Dad, you always did this. Pull me so close to you. Using my weakness to have you against me.  You didn't call me. You never took five minutes out of your unemployed life to call your daughter. And then we finally talked on the phone. I told you I wanted and needed you to call me more often. That it was your turn to show me that you want me in your life. You told me you understood. You told me you'd try harder.] That conversation was mid-May.

         June ninth is my birthday.  Travis, my long lost brother found about eight months ago, called me. People I don't talk to weekly called me, wrote me, emailed me.  Some way, some how, they found a way to tell me happy birthday. June 14th I receive this text message, "Dad: Ops, didn't even think about it. Happy Birthday. My bad."  What the hell?! No, what the FUCK?! I had no response, because that was the last straw. I had enough of letting him do this to me. Next day, June 15th, "Dad: Guess that wasn't enough. I didn't even think about it being your birthday. Sorry."  No! That doesn't work! You don't need to write your child's birthday on a calender because it should be engraved in your mind. And even if something came up and you forgot about it, what the hell kind of apology is that?

         This will always be a sore spot on my life. It's always going to set me back in life. But for everyone who has judged me and labeled me as a run away... This is why I do what I do. I do not and will not let someone walk all over me. If it causes me to cry, it's usually not worth my time. I can't continuously let him break me because he is my father. I've given him nine years of that. He has had his chance to prove to me he wants me, and he doesn't. So no more. No more phone calls. No more emails. No more having the chance to watch me get married. No chance of receiving any knowledge of whenever I become pregnant. He will no longer be involved in my life.

         This goes to anyone. Any friend, any family member, any boyfriend, anyone! If you walk all over me and play this flip flop game of caring, I will not tolerate it. I will eventually get tired and turn away not letting you back in. This post is not only to show to people that there is always a time and place for you to "run away" or give up on trying to get someone to show you that they care. But it's also a post for all of those that have called me a run away and questioned why my father and I are no longer acquainted. We all need to stand up for ourselves and make difficult choices in life to guarantee our happiness. Do not depend on anyone for your happiness... Do NOT depend on anyone for your happiness.

Yours truly,
Amanda RAE

Friday, July 6, 2012

I'm even becoming proud

Well for those of you that kept up with this blog, I will say now... I'm very sorry about the time lapse in me not writing. I didn't have a computer for quite a while. But, I am back!

        About six months ago, I swallowed up all of my fears and got into a relationship and learned oh so much on my journey to falling in love. The lessons I've learned about myself and life in itself are far beyond just beneficial. First of all, I learned to take chances.  Being scared to give your heart away just makes you unhappy. If you hold your heart close due to being happier that way, then I don't believe you're losing anything. But if it's your self fears holding you back, learn to let those go. Every one is going to get hurt by love or something at least once. Nothing works out the way we have it drawn out in our heads. We all have our twisted stories that make us stand up straight in the end. My relationship obviously didn't go as planned, and we have now broken up.

        Do I regret the relationship? Do I regret moving across country to be with him? Do I regret leaving things behind because of him?  Never a day in my life.  We may not be right for each other, or it just may not be the right time. But whatever the case is, opening my heart up was so relieving.  It was a feeling of self accomplishment that I can do this. I can love someone back and embrace a relationship.  Embrace the feelings of butterflies when you kiss each other after a long day at work.  Embrace that feeling when you look at your significant other in the distance and think, "That person is really all mine." Embrace the way your body almost aches with the feelings you get from being in love. But two very important life lessons I've learned are, you must almost forget about what you want in order to remember what you need and never, NEVER, let yourself start to sacrifice your happiness for someone else's happiness.

        Giving up things for someone all comes with being in a relationship. It's called sacrificing for the one that you love. But when you start to give up your happiness, you've given too much.  I almost believed in this most recent relationship, that because I found love, that I should never let it go. That I may never find that chance again. But then I thought about my life and everything I've overcome here in the past few years. I risked being hurt by my biggest fear, love. I did it and I got hurt. Most importantly, I went through with it and I know one day I'll be able to do it again when the time is right. So I wasn't giving up when I decided it was my time to leave. I was doing what was best for myself.  Because that's what life is all about right? Self improvement. We are constantly changing ourselves and our surroundings to make us better people or make us happier with our situation.

        Changes are great. Taking chances are even better. I will continue to hold a tight grasp on to my heart.  But I have learned that letting it go to someone can be such an amazing experience, whether they deserve it in the future or not.  Knowing that you have the strength and are brave enough to put yourself out there, get hurt, and then pick yourself back up is a feeling romantic love can't even amount to.  Self love is more powerful than any love in my opinion.  So my advice, love yourself and love yourself enough to take a chance in loving someone else.

                                                Yours truly,
                                               Amanda Rae