Let me make it clear.

         In the last month, I have been called a runaway far more often than necessary.  Fuck that. Pardon my adolescent use of language. I am not a runaway! I have been surrounded by the wrong people far too often and I know when it's my time to back out of a lost battle. I do not run away.  I make myself happy.  Do not depend on anyone for your happiness... Do NOT depend on anyone for your happiness!

         I've turned my back on a plethora of people. I have used my strength to take the steps I need in order to keep myself happy. That's what we should all do.  There is only so much you can take from someone until you find that breaking point. I "ran away" from boyfriends, friends, my non-immediate family, my child, and my father. The only exception for taking the quotations away from "run away" is my child. I made a mistake. Gave up because of the influence of the father and those around me. I ran away. As for the rest, I made the right choice... no matter what people may like to subject their opinions to. 

         It's never easy to walk away from someone you care for intensely.  Whether they have repetitively hurt you or not. From the obvious exception, my child is the hardest yet. I can't take it back as much as continuously hate myself for it.. but my father has been the hardest one to build up the courage to turn away from.  I made my decision a month ago to no longer accept my father into my life. For my family, for all of the people who have concluded I'm a run away, and for all of the people who want a piece of my story... this is why I have taken the last straw and have "run away" from my very own father.


[Dear (wish you could be forgotten) Father,
         I remember it all to clearly... Building that bird house together and feeling so accomplished as we put it on the post together. The tools you got me for Christmas, wearing that little tool belt around my tiny waist trying to be just like you.  The trucking drives we took along all the eastern states.  The way your eyes lit up when I collected the trucking cards and jotted our times down just as you had to. The night you took me to the Monster Jam and created these plans to build me a go-kart so I could start racing. The way our bond seemed too strong to be broken. [And then my parents got divorced.]  I remember calling you for days. I remember running away and coming to your house.  I remember not hearing from you for months. I remember all the terrible things you said about my mother. I remember being broken. I remember seeing our bond be broken.


         It's been nine years since we were that close. Seven since you completely drifted away.  You like to play this roller coaster game. Running in and out of my life like you were trying to show me disappearing tricks from a magic show.  You so easily point out my faults to those close to you. You so easily like to share stories of why we stopped talking.  You so damn easily seem to forget exactly how this story goes.  Every email I've ever sent to you is saved.  Every plead I've made to make this work is engraved in my mind. I always made the effort. I don't want your money. I don't want any gifts. I want my father.  April we talked about all of this. I spelt it out for you.  Explained that I couldn't take you playing those cynical magic tricks anymore. That all I wanted was for you and I to have a relationship.  For you to want to know about my life and the things I go through. That's it. I'm not asking for much. I'm asking you to be the dad I remember from nine years ago or at least a dad that cares about his daughter. And I explained that this was the last chance, no more giving in to your games. No more explaining it for you. I can't explain anything else to you.  It shouldn't need an explanation. ]

         As it always did, those first several weeks after our talk, everything seemed to be going great. I thought once again, this time it's going to work. He really understands. Everytime I thought something had changed.  Something was different this time around and he wouldn't dare let us lose our bond.  Nothing was different. [Dad, you always did this. Pull me so close to you. Using my weakness to have you against me.  You didn't call me. You never took five minutes out of your unemployed life to call your daughter. And then we finally talked on the phone. I told you I wanted and needed you to call me more often. That it was your turn to show me that you want me in your life. You told me you understood. You told me you'd try harder.] That conversation was mid-May.

         June ninth is my birthday.  Travis, my long lost brother found about eight months ago, called me. People I don't talk to weekly called me, wrote me, emailed me.  Some way, some how, they found a way to tell me happy birthday. June 14th I receive this text message, "Dad: Ops, didn't even think about it. Happy Birthday. My bad."  What the hell?! No, what the FUCK?! I had no response, because that was the last straw. I had enough of letting him do this to me. Next day, June 15th, "Dad: Guess that wasn't enough. I didn't even think about it being your birthday. Sorry."  No! That doesn't work! You don't need to write your child's birthday on a calender because it should be engraved in your mind. And even if something came up and you forgot about it, what the hell kind of apology is that?

         This will always be a sore spot on my life. It's always going to set me back in life. But for everyone who has judged me and labeled me as a run away... This is why I do what I do. I do not and will not let someone walk all over me. If it causes me to cry, it's usually not worth my time. I can't continuously let him break me because he is my father. I've given him nine years of that. He has had his chance to prove to me he wants me, and he doesn't. So no more. No more phone calls. No more emails. No more having the chance to watch me get married. No chance of receiving any knowledge of whenever I become pregnant. He will no longer be involved in my life.

         This goes to anyone. Any friend, any family member, any boyfriend, anyone! If you walk all over me and play this flip flop game of caring, I will not tolerate it. I will eventually get tired and turn away not letting you back in. This post is not only to show to people that there is always a time and place for you to "run away" or give up on trying to get someone to show you that they care. But it's also a post for all of those that have called me a run away and questioned why my father and I are no longer acquainted. We all need to stand up for ourselves and make difficult choices in life to guarantee our happiness. Do not depend on anyone for your happiness... Do NOT depend on anyone for your happiness.

Yours truly,
Amanda RAE

I'm even becoming proud

Well for those of you that kept up with this blog, I will say now... I'm very sorry about the time lapse in me not writing. I didn't have a computer for quite a while. But, I am back!

        About six months ago, I swallowed up all of my fears and got into a relationship and learned oh so much on my journey to falling in love. The lessons I've learned about myself and life in itself are far beyond just beneficial. First of all, I learned to take chances.  Being scared to give your heart away just makes you unhappy. If you hold your heart close due to being happier that way, then I don't believe you're losing anything. But if it's your self fears holding you back, learn to let those go. Every one is going to get hurt by love or something at least once. Nothing works out the way we have it drawn out in our heads. We all have our twisted stories that make us stand up straight in the end. My relationship obviously didn't go as planned, and we have now broken up.

        Do I regret the relationship? Do I regret moving across country to be with him? Do I regret leaving things behind because of him?  Never a day in my life.  We may not be right for each other, or it just may not be the right time. But whatever the case is, opening my heart up was so relieving.  It was a feeling of self accomplishment that I can do this. I can love someone back and embrace a relationship.  Embrace the feelings of butterflies when you kiss each other after a long day at work.  Embrace that feeling when you look at your significant other in the distance and think, "That person is really all mine." Embrace the way your body almost aches with the feelings you get from being in love. But two very important life lessons I've learned are, you must almost forget about what you want in order to remember what you need and never, NEVER, let yourself start to sacrifice your happiness for someone else's happiness.

        Giving up things for someone all comes with being in a relationship. It's called sacrificing for the one that you love. But when you start to give up your happiness, you've given too much.  I almost believed in this most recent relationship, that because I found love, that I should never let it go. That I may never find that chance again. But then I thought about my life and everything I've overcome here in the past few years. I risked being hurt by my biggest fear, love. I did it and I got hurt. Most importantly, I went through with it and I know one day I'll be able to do it again when the time is right. So I wasn't giving up when I decided it was my time to leave. I was doing what was best for myself.  Because that's what life is all about right? Self improvement. We are constantly changing ourselves and our surroundings to make us better people or make us happier with our situation.

        Changes are great. Taking chances are even better. I will continue to hold a tight grasp on to my heart.  But I have learned that letting it go to someone can be such an amazing experience, whether they deserve it in the future or not.  Knowing that you have the strength and are brave enough to put yourself out there, get hurt, and then pick yourself back up is a feeling romantic love can't even amount to.  Self love is more powerful than any love in my opinion.  So my advice, love yourself and love yourself enough to take a chance in loving someone else.

                                                Yours truly,
                                               Amanda Rae

And my life turns around again.

             It's been a hot minute since I last wrote. A lot has happened. I'm taking my steps into a different world. I truly don't even know how to begin to write this post or what my focale point really even is. Because for the first time, my emotions are flying left and right. I don't have any control of these thoughts fluttering through my mind.  Amanda Rae is in a relationship.

             I'm aware this post will probably cross my boyfriend's eyes one day, but for now... I know for a fact he has never read this blog. He may not even know it exists. But this post is far from being intended for him.  My relationship, is far from perfect. We don't live in the same state. We live seven hundred miles apart. No, I'm not dating an online stalker. I know him, and know him very well. Long story short, we met when I lived in South Carolina. I moved away and now I am moving back because of him. Eighteen days until we no longer have a long distance relationship. But this post isn't for me to explain my relationship, but what this relationship has done to me.

             If you've read previous posts, you know I'm very against relationships. Half of the posts were me fighting against them and trying to prove to people you don't need them. I still stand on that. I still stand tall and will say to anyone in this world that I do not need a relationship nor a man's love to make me happy. I have however changed the way I saw and viewed relationships.  My relationship  was never expected. A dear friend of mine told me a life motto that influenced me take these steps into commiting myself to someone. "A broken heart never mends, but a fool never moves on."  I wasn't holding on to my ex-boyfriend. I wasn't holding on to what him and I had. I was, however, holding on to all the things he did to me. I was holding on to all of his lies. I was holding on to the cold hard way he proved me right in my dis-belief in stable relationships. The dis-belief I had since my parents got divorced.

             We are people that hold on to our past, fear for our futures, and find ways to cope with the present.  Stop being afraid. Stop just simply coping with what's going in your life. And let the hell go of what happened in your past.  The problem is, too many people will find one thing against what they wanted in life and then they ruin what had already exceeded their expectations without ever even seeing it.  Another saying I came across here recently. "I believe that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to be loved, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have." Nobody sees the world like you do, because life should be about finding the beauty in the ugly world we live in. But we see the ugly far before we see the beauty and it seems like we're almost searching for it.  We become more interested with failure than we do success. We live in a world full of twisted ways, cynical people, and unattainable perceptions.

             The point in which you change your life and get into a relationship will never be what you intended for it to be. The image we've all created of what person we will fall will never be the one we truly fall for.  You can't search for it. You can't give up on it either.  My boyfriend and I may not spend the rest of our lives together. Anything can happen and jeopordize what amazing thing we have going, but I'll never regret a moment I let go of my fears and took the chance. I can be alone, but I can also see the beauty in what being with someone else can bring me. So goodbye to my lonesome bitter path and hello to the beginning of a path down yet another journey. As I take each step further into this relationship, I will check for potholes and I will check for puddles, but I will not hesitate to take another step.

                                       Yours truly,
                                      Amanda Rae