Let me make it clear.

         In the last month, I have been called a runaway far more often than necessary.  Fuck that. Pardon my adolescent use of language. I am not a runaway! I have been surrounded by the wrong people far too often and I know when it's my time to back out of a lost battle. I do not run away.  I make myself happy.  Do not depend on anyone for your happiness... Do NOT depend on anyone for your happiness!

         I've turned my back on a plethora of people. I have used my strength to take the steps I need in order to keep myself happy. That's what we should all do.  There is only so much you can take from someone until you find that breaking point. I "ran away" from boyfriends, friends, my non-immediate family, my child, and my father. The only exception for taking the quotations away from "run away" is my child. I made a mistake. Gave up because of the influence of the father and those around me. I ran away. As for the rest, I made the right choice... no matter what people may like to subject their opinions to. 

         It's never easy to walk away from someone you care for intensely.  Whether they have repetitively hurt you or not. From the obvious exception, my child is the hardest yet. I can't take it back as much as continuously hate myself for it.. but my father has been the hardest one to build up the courage to turn away from.  I made my decision a month ago to no longer accept my father into my life. For my family, for all of the people who have concluded I'm a run away, and for all of the people who want a piece of my story... this is why I have taken the last straw and have "run away" from my very own father.


[Dear (wish you could be forgotten) Father,
         I remember it all to clearly... Building that bird house together and feeling so accomplished as we put it on the post together. The tools you got me for Christmas, wearing that little tool belt around my tiny waist trying to be just like you.  The trucking drives we took along all the eastern states.  The way your eyes lit up when I collected the trucking cards and jotted our times down just as you had to. The night you took me to the Monster Jam and created these plans to build me a go-kart so I could start racing. The way our bond seemed too strong to be broken. [And then my parents got divorced.]  I remember calling you for days. I remember running away and coming to your house.  I remember not hearing from you for months. I remember all the terrible things you said about my mother. I remember being broken. I remember seeing our bond be broken.


         It's been nine years since we were that close. Seven since you completely drifted away.  You like to play this roller coaster game. Running in and out of my life like you were trying to show me disappearing tricks from a magic show.  You so easily point out my faults to those close to you. You so easily like to share stories of why we stopped talking.  You so damn easily seem to forget exactly how this story goes.  Every email I've ever sent to you is saved.  Every plead I've made to make this work is engraved in my mind. I always made the effort. I don't want your money. I don't want any gifts. I want my father.  April we talked about all of this. I spelt it out for you.  Explained that I couldn't take you playing those cynical magic tricks anymore. That all I wanted was for you and I to have a relationship.  For you to want to know about my life and the things I go through. That's it. I'm not asking for much. I'm asking you to be the dad I remember from nine years ago or at least a dad that cares about his daughter. And I explained that this was the last chance, no more giving in to your games. No more explaining it for you. I can't explain anything else to you.  It shouldn't need an explanation. ]

         As it always did, those first several weeks after our talk, everything seemed to be going great. I thought once again, this time it's going to work. He really understands. Everytime I thought something had changed.  Something was different this time around and he wouldn't dare let us lose our bond.  Nothing was different. [Dad, you always did this. Pull me so close to you. Using my weakness to have you against me.  You didn't call me. You never took five minutes out of your unemployed life to call your daughter. And then we finally talked on the phone. I told you I wanted and needed you to call me more often. That it was your turn to show me that you want me in your life. You told me you understood. You told me you'd try harder.] That conversation was mid-May.

         June ninth is my birthday.  Travis, my long lost brother found about eight months ago, called me. People I don't talk to weekly called me, wrote me, emailed me.  Some way, some how, they found a way to tell me happy birthday. June 14th I receive this text message, "Dad: Ops, didn't even think about it. Happy Birthday. My bad."  What the hell?! No, what the FUCK?! I had no response, because that was the last straw. I had enough of letting him do this to me. Next day, June 15th, "Dad: Guess that wasn't enough. I didn't even think about it being your birthday. Sorry."  No! That doesn't work! You don't need to write your child's birthday on a calender because it should be engraved in your mind. And even if something came up and you forgot about it, what the hell kind of apology is that?

         This will always be a sore spot on my life. It's always going to set me back in life. But for everyone who has judged me and labeled me as a run away... This is why I do what I do. I do not and will not let someone walk all over me. If it causes me to cry, it's usually not worth my time. I can't continuously let him break me because he is my father. I've given him nine years of that. He has had his chance to prove to me he wants me, and he doesn't. So no more. No more phone calls. No more emails. No more having the chance to watch me get married. No chance of receiving any knowledge of whenever I become pregnant. He will no longer be involved in my life.

         This goes to anyone. Any friend, any family member, any boyfriend, anyone! If you walk all over me and play this flip flop game of caring, I will not tolerate it. I will eventually get tired and turn away not letting you back in. This post is not only to show to people that there is always a time and place for you to "run away" or give up on trying to get someone to show you that they care. But it's also a post for all of those that have called me a run away and questioned why my father and I are no longer acquainted. We all need to stand up for ourselves and make difficult choices in life to guarantee our happiness. Do not depend on anyone for your happiness... Do NOT depend on anyone for your happiness.

Yours truly,
Amanda RAE