Compassion

       Today my therapist asked me how many people would write me down on their list of "good" people.  I answered with four names.  He asked me what made me good in their eyes in my opinion.   Ever asked a self-loather to list great deeds they have done or good qualities about themselves?  I found myself stumbling for words and following up every sentence with a nervous laugh and then a quick apology.  He kept asking me what I was sorry for, but I couldn't answer.  I didn't even know why I was apologizing, but I felt the need to every time I rambled on.  He knew and I have known, but it hasn't been as burdening of a feeling since here in the last few weeks.  He knew...we lack compassion.


        I have three dear people that are very close to my heart suffering with some things in their lives.  All three have apologized for times that I've tried to help.  I never made any sign of not wanting to do whatever it was that I was doing.  Whether it be getting groceries, talking to that person until three in the morning, or just listening to them vent about all these thoughts they were having.  I wouldn't have been anywhere else in the world but there to help that person I care for.  But they apologized. They felt bad for letting me help them.  In all three situations, I asked to help.  They never came to me, I came to them.  Even after I pleaded my case of love and asked them not apologize, they all responded with some sorry excuse for why they were apologizing.  I say sorry excuse, because I now know why they and we as a society apologize.  We lack compassion.

        Lets use some examples.  Think to yourself how you would truly respond to these two statements that might be said by someone close to you...
       "I've had a terrible day at work.  Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  I'm just so annoyed."
What's your response?
        Because if you turn the focus to you and start to describe everything that went wrong with your day.  You lack compassion.  You are part of the reason people apologize.  Maybe you say sorry and then tell them.... " Well at least you didn't have to deal with blah blah blah."  You are definitely the reason people apologize.  I'm not going to tell anyone what they should think, feel, or say.  But in order to really make someone feel like you care from your heart, then actually care.  Ask why their day was bad.  Ask what you could possibly do to help or what they would like to do to relax.  Treat them like their issue actually matters and try to instill postivity into them so they can look forward to tomorrow.   Now what if your day was actually just as bad?  What if that whole day you felt terribly sick and almost felt like quitting your job?  Do you tell them this in their moment of distress?  I say don't.  For two reasons.  If you strive to be a remarkable friend, family member, or lover you have to learn how to put that other person first at times when needed.  If you just starting venting about your day shortly after your companion has confessed their stress... who is the rock to lean on.  Who is leaning on who? Who is instilling the postivitiy and trying to create a way to make the day better?  Probably niether after you've both soaked in your sorrows. 
       What if someone tells you, "Man, my boyfriend is pissing me off.  He just is being so annoying today."  How do you respond?

        I've heard it too many times..."At least you have someone to care for you.  You'll be fine, don't worry about it."  What is so hard in changing that self absorbed nonchalent statement into something more meaningful such as... "I'm sorry you two have been fighting.  I know you both deeply care for each other. Maybe he has had a bad day.  I hope it gets better soon."  Maybe you ask what they are fighting about or give some advice for more complex situations.  But don't dilute someone's issues just because you don't feel like hearing it.  What if someone just didn't want to hear your issues and responded in some rude fashion that made you feel ridiculous.  That's why we apologize. We tend to listen to others issues to respond instead of actually listening and helping.  We lack compassion.

       Simple statements can make someone's day either one hundred times better or the complete opposite.  When somone struggles in your life that you care for, your job isn't to make that struggle about yourself and feeling sorry that someone so close to you is going through this obstacle, your job is to make sure they struggle as less as possible.  Time, encouragement, and compassion.  Three simple things that make a significant difference in someone's life.  Stop lacking compassion.  Love all, be easy with your words, and be kind with your heart!

Yours truly,
Amanda Rae

I've changed and I'm back!

I haven't had the motivation to write in such a long time.  I haven't really seen a purpose in expressing myself for a long time.  Times have changed.  I have changed....

A group photo of all my cousins and my
grandmother from my father's side. RIP Grandma Sallie.

My father and I Christmas
morning years ago

July 20th, I moved back home to Aiken, SC.  A majority of you know the reason why... for those who don't, my grandmother from my mother's side was diagnosed with stage three lung cancer.  Life leading up to my decision to move was very complicated.  I was in a relationship with someone, whom I still believe to this day was the best guy to ever walk into my life.  He changed me in ways I didn't believe I'd ever have the strength or will-power to do on my own.  However... we did not work well together.  Love isn't always enough.  We broke up July fourth weekend while I was visiting my family with him.  I was lost.  I lived with him... well not completely, but I stayed at his house every single night.  Either way, I didn't know what to do.  Something came across my mind to offer my assistance to my family whom I knew would need help getting some things done while doctor's visits and energy loss became more apparent.  I got an offer to move in with someone, and the next week I was packing boxes. 

My graduation day with my mother, sister, and brother.

I grew up very close to family, but as the years passed on I started to drift away from everyone.  I didn't keep in contact with my aunts and uncles.  I barely spoke to any of my grandparents.  My father and I didn't want to speak to each other and I didn't even get along with the family I lived with.  I was bitter.  I hated a lot of people for a very long time due to their lack of efforts.  I held on to words said and insults made while we were all in bad spots in our lives. I chose to not care about family, because you truly don't choose who your family is. I believed it was my own personal choice whether or not I should have to care about them. Life changes very quickly when you watch someone you really love in your family suffer.  I have changed...



My two best friends, Rachel and Sigoni.

I started spending every day with my grandmother, whether it was on my break from work or the days I had off.  (Just for some insight on a piece of our past.... last time I lived in Aiken, I got a DUI in her vehicle.  I used to steal all of their beer and get drunk in my room my senior year of high school.  So, lets just say she probably had some kind reservations on my likelihood of who I was now that I can actually legally drink).  Within all of our visits, we talked about a lot of things.  My drinking, my life obstacles, how I viewed certain issues in our family, her past and upbringing, and then we talked about religion.  She knew for a long time that I had been agnostic.  I asked for her advice on how to learn about God.  She pointed me to my uncle Jeff. A month later, I am now saved.  I am a child of Christ and I have never felt more joy.  Mama started to see a different side of me and I got to build a bond with her.  Not just any bond, we became each other's voice of reasoning and filled each other's voids with laughter.  This journey home hasn't only given me a full heart but wisdom beyond what I thought possible.  When you've continued to be the same person for so long, it's very hard to let someone alter your views and change who you are completely.  I have changed...


No matter what has happened in my family, all the awful things that have been done and said back and forth... I love all of you.  For the ones I still may not talk to as often as I should, I love you.  To those who did so much for me that I left in Virginia on my travels here, I love you.  To my step mother and father who have welcomed me in their home, I love you. 

My sister and I at the airport in Charlotte.

See, we as people have too much hate in our hearts.  We have too much self-absorbed focuses rather than what other people are struggling with.  It's a pretty sad world we live in now... but why?  Because your neighbor doesn't treat you kindly?  Do you treat them kindly?  Do you go out of your way to help people in all ways possible?  Do you remind those you love, that you truly love them and appreciate them.  The world is too focused on what others AREN'T doing for them instead of what they AREN'T doing for others.  Watching Mama suffer to move around or even take a sip of her water opened my eyes.  It's not about what I feel anymore, it's about what she feels.  It's about what I can do for her to make her struggles become easier.  I can move without hurt, so let me lift my fingers enabling her to not have to lift a thing.  Within watching her consistent appreciation for me, I grew angry.  Yes, angry.  "Why is she thanking me for something I just naturally feel compelled to do...she is family for Christ's sake.  This is how family is supposed to treat each other.  I don't even have to think twice, this is just what you do for those you love.  It goes without thought," is what I asked myself. But the truth of the matter, as we all know, this isn't how family treats each other.  This isn't how mankind treats one another.  It's not even how I used to treat my family before this trip back home.  That terrifies me.  Was I really one of those people who didn't do everything possible for those who cared about me once before.  What did I actually miss out on because my eyes weren't open... Are you going to complain about it, or are you going to be different? What can you change about yourself to make the things around your life more beautiful? 

We can't fix everything.  I can't heal my grandmother and I can't make my family and friends love me throughout all of my mistakes.  But you know what, I can damn sure try!



A collage of my family members including my
 Mama in the white sweater on the right-hand side of the top picture.

Keep Your Arms Open

      Tonight I'm going to hit on a very personal topic.  Something that's relatable to a lot of people, yet uncomfortable for others.  But first I want to elaborate my reasons for this blog to avoid any confusion or "judgey" remarks.  This blog isn't for anyone to know a deeper version of me.  I write for my readers.  Whether it's advice, educational reasons, finding common grounds, or just pleasurable. I write for those who care to read.  I don't need or really want many people to see a blueprint of my mind.  On the other hand, when my personal struggles become a helpful tool for another, I have no will to hold back and not write about things I don't even choose to speak about with those around me.  I don't want anyone to feel alone.  Simple as that.


This past week has been a tough one.  I've hit a place I know all too well from my past.  The thing is, nobody really knows...

     Depression and anxiety are two things that have been more talked about in society than it used to be.  This, as well as everything in life, comes with pros and cons.  Pro; we're shedding light to a subject that can actually help more people move forward in their lives.  They don't feel abnormal and shunned as often when talking about their demons.  Con; people don't believe your struggles or think, "You're just trying to get attention.  There is no way you're actually depressed... you're life isn't even that hard."  Just please understand one thing before I move forward with this post.  You can't believe everything you hear in life.  That's common knowledge.  But living as if everyone is lying all the time makes it very hard to grasp those really beautiful moments of love for the things around you.  People do struggle sometimes, yes. People do lie sometimes, yes.  Not everything is a struggle, and not everything is a lie. Open your heart.  When you downplay a person's level of depression, you're making it worse.  Please, just understand that.

      I did something this week that I'm not proud about.  Something I'm very unpleased with. I've been clean for over a year, but something put me back in that place again.  Thing is, I don't even know what put me that low.  I can't pinpoint it like I'd love to do.  I can't put my finger on it and give you a black and white reason.  I can't tell you what I was really thinking about.  I can't even tell you why I did it.  It just happened and all I can do now is fight like hell to stay strong and not get that low again.  Within this same week, I caused a lot of commotion with a group a friends during a night out.  A lot of them saw me act in a way I'm shameful of.  But more than embarrassing myself due to my actions, a couple of them saw my pain.  My inner demons were out for the whole world to see.  I exposed myself in a way I was not prepared or even willing to do.  It just happened. 

      I'm lucky enough to have friends that I don't believe are judgmental.  They help me get out of the mess I was in and never made a bigger deal out of a situation that could have been a lot worse.  When I made my mistake, I had a friend talk to me about a trip he went on.  Just talk about the trees, the scenery, a building you passed by, what songs you listened to in the car... just talk to me about something descriptive.  I didn't want to talk about what was going on, I just needed something else I could sink myself into that didn't involve my life.  I don't talk about it willingly or casually.  What happened or what I used to do in the past... people don't need to know that side of me unless I chose to speak upon it.

      Think about the cashier at the gas station you go to frequently, some of your co-workers, friends of friends, or even family members.  Think about how often you see them smile and some of the conversations you hold with them.  People typically seem happy...especially sad people.  Nobody knows what people endure in their lives. You don't know what they go home to or what they go home without.  Have you seen any of them sad or upset before?  Not just the typical long day blues, but actual distress.  Have you spoke up?  Have you disregarded any of their attempts to vent to you?  Maybe you should open your ears and heart for five minutes, because you never know what that five minutes could mean to someone's entire life.

       I'm all for covering up your demons instead of putting your guard completely down for everyone to comment on.  But I want two things to start changing in life.  One, I want people to start feeling more comfortable with themselves and not be scared to talk about something they struggle with.  Two, if someone chooses you as their person to open up with, accept them.  Open your arms and let them confide in you.  It doesn't matter how big or small the issue may seem to you.  We can't judge hardships by what is worse or what is easier.  Emotion discomfort isn't measurable.  Feelings can't be put on a scale or put into a chart of at which level this should affect someone. People just need people sometimes.  It's hard enough to feel like anyone wants to listen to your issues already. When you feel a level of trust within someone to where you can actually reveal your demons to someone... Oh the release, it's the most beautiful yet terrifying chain of events. And its satisfying.  It's an outlet.  Depression is a demon.  We try to cover it up upon layers and layers of fake smiles and laughter.  We all break down.  We all have our moments of needing someone but not knowing who to reach out to.  If more people offered to put their hand out and welcome more people in, we would all be a happier place.  We're too scared of judgment or feeling as if we will look weak. We're scared of getting hurt deeper than we already are.  Stop.  Don't live life in fear.  Easier said than done, I understand.  Be the person you would want to open up to.  Be the person you want everyone else to be with you. 

      Just be a helpful human being and accept more love in your life.  Ask that cashier if she is okay next time you see her head down.  Offer to help.  Whether she wants help or not, you tried.  That's all we can ever do anyways.



Yours truly,
Amanda Rae

Your Personal Theme Park

"It's not what you've lost, but it's what you find."
      Why do I think about you? Or you? Or you? Or you?  Why do I think about you in such a way I know this heart of mine can not with stand?  Three of you.  Three of you stepped all over me and I still hold my hand out and help you back into my life.  For what?  Do you need somewhere to lay your garbage?  Do you need someone around that you know you can still hurt?  Well, that person is no longer me. 

      My life has put me in some sticky situations.  Life is supposed to be a rollercoaster I believe.  You get into that seat, strap on the seat belt, take off... start to question whether this was a good idea, you adjust yourself and get comfortable, take the ride, your fearful or the adrenaline has taken over and you're enjoying it, and then you get off still shaken from the thrill of the ride itself.   That's life. Sometimes the ride sucks and other times the feeling we got was so intense we want to ride it again. We start new journeys and don't necessarily think about where we are going until we get there.  We sometimes think it was a wasted journey and other times we're glad we took that route.  You just have to figure out what rides are worth it after you've ridden most of them in that theme park.  Well, there are some roller coasters I'm not riding anymore.  The really big ones that had that big drop in the end and I kind of peed my pants a little.  The ones where that big turn made my head hit the seat and I had a headache for the rest of the day.  The one where it gave me motion sickness and ruined my entire day.  I will not put myself back into those life situations where I now know where I end up in the end.

      I've struggled with getting over my father here for the past ten years.  I've made my efforts in achieving a decent relationship.  I've decided time and time again that I was done trying and that always relentlessly leads me back to feeling guilty for giving up.  No matter how nasty he has been to me or anything he has ever put me through, I always give him the upper hand by caving into the thought of things possibly working out.  I have put myself down about my first ex boyfriend who lied about literally everything you can physically lie about.  I felt dumb for allowing myself to believe him and even more dumb for allowing myself to be irresponsible enough to wind up pregnant with him.  How can someone as strong willed as I am go into such a weak state of falling for a man with such a low quality of humanity? I've struggled with my inner self thinking I'm not good enough for myself, let alone someone else.  I'm a Gemini.  Although, I'm not profound on believing everything that comes along with horoscopes, I do believe there are two of me. The person I am and the person that everyone else sees. I'm a very dark person although many see a colorful bubbly girl.  People actually believe that I'm egotistical and I find it hilarious.  My true thoughts, the ones I repeat over and over again in my head, are things nobody hears.  My father, my ex, and my inner self are all rollercoasters that I'm not riding anymore. 

      I'm a survivor of all my demons.  I've played the survivor role to those around me but to myself I kept seeing myself still as a victim.  I never allowed myself to get off those rides and not look back.  It's as if I was seeing those rollercoasters on the other side of the theme park and days I chose to walk away from them, and other days I'd run over to them because I missed that feeling.  The feeling that I might actually like this ride because it's been so long and I might have gotten over my old feelings for it.  Those rides always turn out the same and I'm done.  Done putting myself in the mindset to victimize myself and feel that pain creep through my mind.  My father will never be worth my breath.  My ex doesn't deserve the slightest thought through my mind.  And my inner self will learn how to sit the hell down and not take over my motivation and courage to continue on to my great life.

      When one door closes, another opens.  When we go through hardships in life, we find out more about ourselves.  Sometimes it leads you to find someone great in your life that can understand your battles.  Other times it shows a lot about your strength and what your heart can actually withstand.  We fight wars every day.  Every single one of us.  So many plans we have all made.  So many things change and get lost along the way.  You can either choose to put that roller coaster out of commission or you can ride it as frequently as you want even while knowing the potential damage it may cause.  Take some time to feel alright before its gone.  Nothing hard goes away quickly.  That's life.  With weakness comes strength. With strength comes better opportunity.  We are all beautiful people in our own little funky ways.  Dance in your theme park.  Ride those fun rides and throw your arms in the air.  Feel the wind hit your face and enjoy life.  But when you know that the ride isn't worth the sacrifice, take it out of your life.  Experience the great things and don't be fearful of the hard things.  We are all stronger than we believe we are.  I am stronger than I ever once thought I was.  I'm enjoying this new rollercoaster I'm on and I call it Self Love.  I don't think I'm getting off any time soon.

                                                                                       Yours truly,
                                                                                      Amanda Rae

Dancing in the Clouds

       It's been a while readers... a while being an understatement.  I'd be pretty surprised if I even still had readers.  My last post was in 2013. Seems to be that I have a lot updating to do.  I'm tired of telling my story though.  Another stranger who seems confused by all my endeavors and lifestyle. Another person I have to explain how I got to where I am.  Life is crazy.  It takes you in places you never thought you'd go.  Sometimes your high and other times you feel as if you checked into the basement of rock bottom.  I miss writing though.  For two important reasons that I wish I had never replaced with unnecessary choices.  One, I miss freeing my mind.  The way it feels to hit your fingers across a keyboard and let out all the pent up emotions you feel like people will never understand or even care for that matter.  Two,  being taken back by all the ones who use to message me privately thanking me and asking for advice... and just understanding.  So here I go again, this is where I am.

      When I was younger, I refused to fall in love.  I refused to open up and allow a man into my life.  I was young and naïve.  Fearful without knowing what I was actually scared about.  Somewhere along my life, I changed.  I grew up and I started to acknowledge relationships as something acceptable.  Something I wanted to be a part of.  I've dated.  I've fallen in love.  My spirit has danced in the clouds where all the people who are head over heals go and it has fallen back down to square one in the darkness.  You have to pick yourself and keep going.  The physical pain was easy.  The emotional pain was damaging.  But being alone was unbearable.  Until now.


        Every time I broke up with a boyfriend, I moved on very quickly.  Even though I didn't really believe in being in love and it lasting, I always ended up finding someone new.  I tried to convince myself that I wanted to be alone, but you can't shake the truth. You can't help what you feel.  I wish I was wiser in my choices with men. I hated being alone so immensely that I settled for the guys who didn't deserve my time. I probably wouldn't be as unforgivable as I am now to mistakes.  When love has not taken over and a guy messes up, I walk away.  Too quickly.  And I never look back.  When I love, I forgive too often and then I end up having to pull out my wonder woman strength card out and pick myself back up.  I'm over having to pick myself up. I'm over not being accepting of certain qualities because of what my past has put me through.  One extreme or the other.  There should be a point of meeting in the middle when it comes to forgiving or not forgiving.  It's about the rush of feelings at that time in your life.  This isn't about my past relationships though.  This is about trying to figure out what has changed within me.

      I was just with someone who I loved very deeply and thought I was going to marry.  We didn't just live in the moment, we planed life together.  He influenced me to change my bad qualities and shaped my personality into a well rounded, wholesome structure.  Though I knew I was changing, I didn't know how intense it really was until we broke up.  As I said, I typically move on very quickly.  I'm never truly alone, at least not for long.  I wanted it that way... to not be alone...back then.  Now, I'm happy to be alone.  I don't want him back.  I'm not sad that it didn't work out.  I'm not talking to anyone.  My life has been running in a series of stories like this.
      The rushing of heat across my face as that cute guy handed me his number and told me to come see him in a couple days fell flat on the floor when I could see the inner Amanda rolling her eyes at the denial of my intentions.  He was cute.  And I don't just mean, "yeah, he is a decent guy" kind of cute.  He seemed to be quite wholesome himself.  Pretty smile, confidence, and he clearly took care of his body.  But my intentions never pair up. I never was going to meet him.  I would have never kissed him, or exchanged life stories over some drinks, and definitely would have never allowed it to go anywhere.  The thought of kissing a guy right now makes me cringe.  The last person I kissed was my ex-boyfriend.   I mean when I say I don't miss him.  But my point in recognizing my last kiss is to show that the very last man to kiss my lips was someone whom loved me.  Someone I loved back and someone who left a chill down my spine after each kiss.  I don't want to scrub the regret off my lips after dude man that gave me his number kisses me in a hypothetical situation.  As I'm writing this, I'm laughing.  And this is meant in all seriousness. But if anyone reading this knew who the old Amanda was, this would almost seem like she has died and someone else took over her body.  Kissing a stranger used to not be an issue, but now kissing a potentially well-rounded man disgusts me.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

      I want meaningful kisses... kind of.  I don't want them soon and I don't want them with anyone I know at this point in my life. I don't have feelings for anyone other than myself.  I'm so content with being alone its fearful.  I was fearful once of a relationship and now I'm fearful that I'm too happy alone that I'll never get back out there again. Am I missing out?  Pretty smile guy could have been a good opportunity.  He could have been someone worth my while.  He probably and hopefully didn't even think of me in that view of light, but I'm talking about hypothetical here.  What if I'm so closed off due from my solitude happiness, that I may be missing things?  I don't fear getting hurt.  My strength is a force to be reckoned with.  Fear is not transpiring from a future breakup.  Its transpiring from not wanting to deal with anyone else in my life.  Nobody interests me.  Nobody makes my heart flutter.  I don't want anyone to touch me or fall for me.  I just want to be alone because I'm happy that way.  But I've never been happy that way, so I'm confused.  Where is this coming from?  Have I grown into a woman.   Or have I actually just learned how to love myself?  Have I really not loved myself until now... My emotions are confusing me because this is nothing I've ever felt with myself. I'm alone. Happily alone.  No denial.  No anger or hurt.  I'm dancing in the clouds that singles go to when they are at peace.


                                                                         Yours truly,
                                                                        Amanda Rae