Why do I think about you? Or you? Or you? Or you? Why do I think about you in such a way I know this heart of mine can not with stand? Three of you. Three of you stepped all over me and I still hold my hand out and help you back into my life. For what? Do you need somewhere to lay your garbage? Do you need someone around that you know you can still hurt? Well, that person is no longer me.
My life has put me in some sticky situations. Life is supposed to be a rollercoaster I believe. You get into that seat, strap on the seat belt, take off... start to question whether this was a good idea, you adjust yourself and get comfortable, take the ride, your fearful or the adrenaline has taken over and you're enjoying it, and then you get off still shaken from the thrill of the ride itself. That's life. Sometimes the ride sucks and other times the feeling we got was so intense we want to ride it again. We start new journeys and don't necessarily think about where we are going until we get there. We sometimes think it was a wasted journey and other times we're glad we took that route. You just have to figure out what rides are worth it after you've ridden most of them in that theme park. Well, there are some roller coasters I'm not riding anymore. The really big ones that had that big drop in the end and I kind of peed my pants a little. The ones where that big turn made my head hit the seat and I had a headache for the rest of the day. The one where it gave me motion sickness and ruined my entire day. I will not put myself back into those life situations where I now know where I end up in the end.
I've struggled with getting over my father here for the past ten years. I've made my efforts in achieving a decent relationship. I've decided time and time again that I was done trying and that always relentlessly leads me back to feeling guilty for giving up. No matter how nasty he has been to me or anything he has ever put me through, I always give him the upper hand by caving into the thought of things possibly working out. I have put myself down about my first ex boyfriend who lied about literally everything you can physically lie about. I felt dumb for allowing myself to believe him and even more dumb for allowing myself to be irresponsible enough to wind up pregnant with him. How can someone as strong willed as I am go into such a weak state of falling for a man with such a low quality of humanity? I've struggled with my inner self thinking I'm not good enough for myself, let alone someone else. I'm a Gemini. Although, I'm not profound on believing everything that comes along with horoscopes, I do believe there are two of me. The person I am and the person that everyone else sees. I'm a very dark person although many see a colorful bubbly girl. People actually believe that I'm egotistical and I find it hilarious. My true thoughts, the ones I repeat over and over again in my head, are things nobody hears. My father, my ex, and my inner self are all rollercoasters that I'm not riding anymore.
I'm a survivor of all my demons. I've played the survivor role to those around me but to myself I kept seeing myself still as a victim. I never allowed myself to get off those rides and not look back. It's as if I was seeing those rollercoasters on the other side of the theme park and days I chose to walk away from them, and other days I'd run over to them because I missed that feeling. The feeling that I might actually like this ride because it's been so long and I might have gotten over my old feelings for it. Those rides always turn out the same and I'm done. Done putting myself in the mindset to victimize myself and feel that pain creep through my mind. My father will never be worth my breath. My ex doesn't deserve the slightest thought through my mind. And my inner self will learn how to sit the hell down and not take over my motivation and courage to continue on to my great life. When one door closes, another opens. When we go through hardships in life, we find out more about ourselves. Sometimes it leads you to find someone great in your life that can understand your battles. Other times it shows a lot about your strength and what your heart can actually withstand. We fight wars every day. Every single one of us. So many plans we have all made. So many things change and get lost along the way. You can either choose to put that roller coaster out of commission or you can ride it as frequently as you want even while knowing the potential damage it may cause. Take some time to feel alright before its gone. Nothing hard goes away quickly. That's life. With weakness comes strength. With strength comes better opportunity. We are all beautiful people in our own little funky ways. Dance in your theme park. Ride those fun rides and throw your arms in the air. Feel the wind hit your face and enjoy life. But when you know that the ride isn't worth the sacrifice, take it out of your life. Experience the great things and don't be fearful of the hard things. We are all stronger than we believe we are. I am stronger than I ever once thought I was. I'm enjoying this new rollercoaster I'm on and I call it Self Love. I don't think I'm getting off any time soon.
Yours truly,
Amanda Rae