Your Personal Theme Park

"It's not what you've lost, but it's what you find."
      Why do I think about you? Or you? Or you? Or you?  Why do I think about you in such a way I know this heart of mine can not with stand?  Three of you.  Three of you stepped all over me and I still hold my hand out and help you back into my life.  For what?  Do you need somewhere to lay your garbage?  Do you need someone around that you know you can still hurt?  Well, that person is no longer me. 

      My life has put me in some sticky situations.  Life is supposed to be a rollercoaster I believe.  You get into that seat, strap on the seat belt, take off... start to question whether this was a good idea, you adjust yourself and get comfortable, take the ride, your fearful or the adrenaline has taken over and you're enjoying it, and then you get off still shaken from the thrill of the ride itself.   That's life. Sometimes the ride sucks and other times the feeling we got was so intense we want to ride it again. We start new journeys and don't necessarily think about where we are going until we get there.  We sometimes think it was a wasted journey and other times we're glad we took that route.  You just have to figure out what rides are worth it after you've ridden most of them in that theme park.  Well, there are some roller coasters I'm not riding anymore.  The really big ones that had that big drop in the end and I kind of peed my pants a little.  The ones where that big turn made my head hit the seat and I had a headache for the rest of the day.  The one where it gave me motion sickness and ruined my entire day.  I will not put myself back into those life situations where I now know where I end up in the end.

      I've struggled with getting over my father here for the past ten years.  I've made my efforts in achieving a decent relationship.  I've decided time and time again that I was done trying and that always relentlessly leads me back to feeling guilty for giving up.  No matter how nasty he has been to me or anything he has ever put me through, I always give him the upper hand by caving into the thought of things possibly working out.  I have put myself down about my first ex boyfriend who lied about literally everything you can physically lie about.  I felt dumb for allowing myself to believe him and even more dumb for allowing myself to be irresponsible enough to wind up pregnant with him.  How can someone as strong willed as I am go into such a weak state of falling for a man with such a low quality of humanity? I've struggled with my inner self thinking I'm not good enough for myself, let alone someone else.  I'm a Gemini.  Although, I'm not profound on believing everything that comes along with horoscopes, I do believe there are two of me. The person I am and the person that everyone else sees. I'm a very dark person although many see a colorful bubbly girl.  People actually believe that I'm egotistical and I find it hilarious.  My true thoughts, the ones I repeat over and over again in my head, are things nobody hears.  My father, my ex, and my inner self are all rollercoasters that I'm not riding anymore. 

      I'm a survivor of all my demons.  I've played the survivor role to those around me but to myself I kept seeing myself still as a victim.  I never allowed myself to get off those rides and not look back.  It's as if I was seeing those rollercoasters on the other side of the theme park and days I chose to walk away from them, and other days I'd run over to them because I missed that feeling.  The feeling that I might actually like this ride because it's been so long and I might have gotten over my old feelings for it.  Those rides always turn out the same and I'm done.  Done putting myself in the mindset to victimize myself and feel that pain creep through my mind.  My father will never be worth my breath.  My ex doesn't deserve the slightest thought through my mind.  And my inner self will learn how to sit the hell down and not take over my motivation and courage to continue on to my great life.

      When one door closes, another opens.  When we go through hardships in life, we find out more about ourselves.  Sometimes it leads you to find someone great in your life that can understand your battles.  Other times it shows a lot about your strength and what your heart can actually withstand.  We fight wars every day.  Every single one of us.  So many plans we have all made.  So many things change and get lost along the way.  You can either choose to put that roller coaster out of commission or you can ride it as frequently as you want even while knowing the potential damage it may cause.  Take some time to feel alright before its gone.  Nothing hard goes away quickly.  That's life.  With weakness comes strength. With strength comes better opportunity.  We are all beautiful people in our own little funky ways.  Dance in your theme park.  Ride those fun rides and throw your arms in the air.  Feel the wind hit your face and enjoy life.  But when you know that the ride isn't worth the sacrifice, take it out of your life.  Experience the great things and don't be fearful of the hard things.  We are all stronger than we believe we are.  I am stronger than I ever once thought I was.  I'm enjoying this new rollercoaster I'm on and I call it Self Love.  I don't think I'm getting off any time soon.

                                                                                       Yours truly,
                                                                                      Amanda Rae

Back to Life and Writing

I don't know what brought my urge to write again, maybe it's the fact that I feel a change in my life. Maybe it's because today, someone who has been reading my blogs for a long time wrote me.  Maybe it's because I need the creativity flow back in my body.  But tonight, I'm going to talk about something that's been apart of my life for a long time. 

I thought about it when I was younger. I was about twelve or thirteen years old when it first became more than a thought. I remember sitting in my green circle chair in my sponge bob decorated room. I'm not sure if it was because my dad left or if it was because I felt like nobody connected with me as a person. I was young, but all a child wants is to have a great relationship with their parents... And when my best friend and role model left, so did my urge to exist. 

Here in the past three years, it's been more of a thought. It's like a darkness that has crept into my bloodstream. Once the thought becomes an overwhelming desire, there's not much else you can think about. It's a sickness as most people say. But I'm not sick. I wasn't ever sick. The day I made that decision, maybe I was sick. But never did I consider myself to have some sort of sickness. 

People undermine it you know. People think it's all fun and games or someone is just out seeking for attention. Maybe some.  But I never wanted anyone to know. Because if they knew, they would try to stop me.  As I see it, if you really have that "sickness", the last thing you want is someone to know.  Those times that the thoughts and urges come across you when you're laying down for rest, or when you're driving down the road and watch the gravel on the highway pass you by, or the times you go out in public and watch people live their lives wondering if they ever feel that darkness within their bones..those are the times I never wanted anyone to know.  No matter if I wanted to reach out, those who have felt those urges tend to think they have all the answers for a battle you feel like you can't fight. And those who haven't, end up judging or down playing your inner battles. 

So if I never wanted anyone to know, why do I now? Well, I don't think about it everyday.  The past year of my life it crept up the worst it ever has. The thoughts went to preparation. The thoughts went to plans and backup plans on how I could go about it.  I never wanted someone to come across my dead body lying in a bloody pool on the floor. I never wanted a loved one to walk in and see me hanging lifeless from the ceiling of a place I called home.  I always saw myself walking out into the woods of a random town and using a 357 magnum to the head.  That's what the darkness kept showing me.  Then the gun was taken away from the house, as my darkness started to creep out into the light.  I then was going to get a ladder, rope, and go out into the woods with obvious intentions of hanging myself. I wanted to go missing.  That was the plan.  Then for some reason, the darkness didn't want to disappear. It wanted to make me suffer. Not cut the cord to the pain, just amplify the dosage. 

That's when I became what you stereotypical  folks like to call Emo. When the urge came to see my own blood and feel some dreadful pain, I had nothing to use. So I took apart a razor blade and started dragging it across my upper arm. Never did I want to die. Never did I want anyone to find out.  This is why I never cut my wrists. This is why it was in an easily hidden spot.  When I felt the relief... Which wasn't necessarily a relief in good feeling, but a relief that I finally was getting what I deserved... I couldn't stop. Every day I had to do it, or the next day it was worse. Eventually, I talked to someone. It took that. Someone found out and helped me. 

Have I stopped forever? Is the darkness gone? Am I no longer sick? No.  So what is the point of this post? 

Well, in the past five months, what used to happen every day, has happened only twice. My thoughts have not gone away, but I fight it. I fight it because no matter what I've done, I can make up for it in other ways than what I was.  My point is, in all my time of not wanting someone to know, I'm glad that they found out. Who knows where I'd be. How much worse it could have gotten. From the person who got rid of the gun, or the person who talked to me about becoming a better person and making a future that's about making up for the past.. They stopped something that could have been a lot worse. 

The suicide jokes, the name calling of self harmers, the under estimating how "sick" someone really is... Reach out. Whether you care about this person personally, someone does, and it's not a joke, it's not a game, and whatever we as a human race and society can do to prevent someone taking their life, we should. We should extend our arms for and with what's in our reach. Because if that gun was never taken away or that talk was never had with me... I truthfully don't know if I would have ever seen the light again. 

Yours truly, 

Amanda Rae