Sunday, October 4, 2015

I've changed and I'm back!

I haven't had the motivation to write in such a long time.  I haven't really seen a purpose in expressing myself for a long time.  Times have changed.  I have changed....

A group photo of all my cousins and my
grandmother from my father's side. RIP Grandma Sallie.

My father and I Christmas
morning years ago
July 20th, I moved back home to Aiken, SC.  A majority of you know the reason why... for those who don't, my grandmother from my mother's side was diagnosed with stage three lung cancer.  Life leading up to my decision to move was very complicated.  I was in a relationship with someone, whom I still believe to this day was the best guy to ever walk into my life.  He changed me in ways I didn't believe I'd ever have the strength or will-power to do on my own.  However... we did not work well together.  Love isn't always enough.  We broke up July fourth weekend while I was visiting my family with him.  I was lost.  I lived with him... well not completely, but I stayed at his house every single night.  Either way, I didn't know what to do.  Something came across my mind to offer my assistance to my family whom I knew would need help getting some things done while doctor's visits and energy loss became more apparent.  I got an offer to move in with someone, and the next week I was packing boxes. 

My graduation day with my mother, sister, and brother.
I grew up very close to family, but as the years passed on I started to drift away from everyone.  I didn't keep in contact with my aunts and uncles.  I barely spoke to any of my grandparents.  My father and I didn't want to speak to each other and I didn't even get along with the family I lived with.  I was bitter.  I hated a lot of people for a very long time due to their lack of efforts.  I held on to words said and insults made while we were all in bad spots in our lives. I chose to not care about family, because you truly don't choose who your family is. I believed it was my own personal choice whether or not I should have to care about them. Life changes very quickly when you watch someone you really love in your family suffer.  I have changed...


My two best friends, Rachel and Sigoni.
I started spending every day with my grandmother, whether it was on my break from work or the days I had off.  (Just for some insight on a piece of our past.... last time I lived in Aiken, I got a DUI in her vehicle.  I used to steal all of their beer and get drunk in my room my senior year of high school.  So, lets just say she probably had some kind reservations on my likelihood of who I was now that I can actually legally drink).  Within all of our visits, we talked about a lot of things.  My drinking, my life obstacles, how I viewed certain issues in our family, her past and upbringing, and then we talked about religion.  She knew for a long time that I had been agnostic.  I asked for her advice on how to learn about God.  She pointed me to my uncle Jeff. A month later, I am now saved.  I am a child of Christ and I have never felt more joy.  Mama started to see a different side of me and I got to build a bond with her.  Not just any bond, we became each other's voice of reasoning and filled each other's voids with laughter.  This journey home hasn't only given me a full heart but wisdom beyond what I thought possible.  When you've continued to be the same person for so long, it's very hard to let someone alter your views and change who you are completely.  I have changed...


No matter what has happened in my family, all the awful things that have been done and said back and forth... I love all of you.  For the ones I still may not talk to as often as I should, I love you.  To those who did so much for me that I left in Virginia on my travels here, I love you.  To my step mother and father who have welcomed me in their home, I love you. 

My sister and I at the airport in Charlotte.
See, we as people have too much hate in our hearts.  We have too much self-absorbed focuses rather than what other people are struggling with.  It's a pretty sad world we live in now... but why?  Because your neighbor doesn't treat you kindly?  Do you treat them kindly?  Do you go out of your way to help people in all ways possible?  Do you remind those you love, that you truly love them and appreciate them.  The world is too focused on what others AREN'T doing for them instead of what they AREN'T doing for others.  Watching Mama suffer to move around or even take a sip of her water opened my eyes.  It's not about what I feel anymore, it's about what she feels.  It's about what I can do for her to make her struggles become easier.  I can move without hurt, so let me lift my fingers enabling her to not have to lift a thing.  Within watching her consistent appreciation for me, I grew angry.  Yes, angry.  "Why is she thanking me for something I just naturally feel compelled to do...she is family for Christ's sake.  This is how family is supposed to treat each other.  I don't even have to think twice, this is just what you do for those you love.  It goes without thought," is what I asked myself. But the truth of the matter, as we all know, this isn't how family treats each other.  This isn't how mankind treats one another.  It's not even how I used to treat my family before this trip back home.  That terrifies me.  Was I really one of those people who didn't do everything possible for those who cared about me once before.  What did I actually miss out on because my eyes weren't open... Are you going to complain about it, or are you going to be different? What can you change about yourself to make the things around your life more beautiful? 

We can't fix everything.  I can't heal my grandmother and I can't make my family and friends love me throughout all of my mistakes.  But you know what, I can damn sure try!

A collage of my family members including my
 Mama in the white sweater on the right-hand side of the top picture.