Dancing in the Clouds

       It's been a while readers... a while being an understatement.  I'd be pretty surprised if I even still had readers.  My last post was in 2013. Seems to be that I have a lot updating to do.  I'm tired of telling my story though.  Another stranger who seems confused by all my endeavors and lifestyle. Another person I have to explain how I got to where I am.  Life is crazy.  It takes you in places you never thought you'd go.  Sometimes your high and other times you feel as if you checked into the basement of rock bottom.  I miss writing though.  For two important reasons that I wish I had never replaced with unnecessary choices.  One, I miss freeing my mind.  The way it feels to hit your fingers across a keyboard and let out all the pent up emotions you feel like people will never understand or even care for that matter.  Two,  being taken back by all the ones who use to message me privately thanking me and asking for advice... and just understanding.  So here I go again, this is where I am.

      When I was younger, I refused to fall in love.  I refused to open up and allow a man into my life.  I was young and naïve.  Fearful without knowing what I was actually scared about.  Somewhere along my life, I changed.  I grew up and I started to acknowledge relationships as something acceptable.  Something I wanted to be a part of.  I've dated.  I've fallen in love.  My spirit has danced in the clouds where all the people who are head over heals go and it has fallen back down to square one in the darkness.  You have to pick yourself and keep going.  The physical pain was easy.  The emotional pain was damaging.  But being alone was unbearable.  Until now.


        Every time I broke up with a boyfriend, I moved on very quickly.  Even though I didn't really believe in being in love and it lasting, I always ended up finding someone new.  I tried to convince myself that I wanted to be alone, but you can't shake the truth. You can't help what you feel.  I wish I was wiser in my choices with men. I hated being alone so immensely that I settled for the guys who didn't deserve my time. I probably wouldn't be as unforgivable as I am now to mistakes.  When love has not taken over and a guy messes up, I walk away.  Too quickly.  And I never look back.  When I love, I forgive too often and then I end up having to pull out my wonder woman strength card out and pick myself back up.  I'm over having to pick myself up. I'm over not being accepting of certain qualities because of what my past has put me through.  One extreme or the other.  There should be a point of meeting in the middle when it comes to forgiving or not forgiving.  It's about the rush of feelings at that time in your life.  This isn't about my past relationships though.  This is about trying to figure out what has changed within me.

      I was just with someone who I loved very deeply and thought I was going to marry.  We didn't just live in the moment, we planed life together.  He influenced me to change my bad qualities and shaped my personality into a well rounded, wholesome structure.  Though I knew I was changing, I didn't know how intense it really was until we broke up.  As I said, I typically move on very quickly.  I'm never truly alone, at least not for long.  I wanted it that way... to not be alone...back then.  Now, I'm happy to be alone.  I don't want him back.  I'm not sad that it didn't work out.  I'm not talking to anyone.  My life has been running in a series of stories like this.
      The rushing of heat across my face as that cute guy handed me his number and told me to come see him in a couple days fell flat on the floor when I could see the inner Amanda rolling her eyes at the denial of my intentions.  He was cute.  And I don't just mean, "yeah, he is a decent guy" kind of cute.  He seemed to be quite wholesome himself.  Pretty smile, confidence, and he clearly took care of his body.  But my intentions never pair up. I never was going to meet him.  I would have never kissed him, or exchanged life stories over some drinks, and definitely would have never allowed it to go anywhere.  The thought of kissing a guy right now makes me cringe.  The last person I kissed was my ex-boyfriend.   I mean when I say I don't miss him.  But my point in recognizing my last kiss is to show that the very last man to kiss my lips was someone whom loved me.  Someone I loved back and someone who left a chill down my spine after each kiss.  I don't want to scrub the regret off my lips after dude man that gave me his number kisses me in a hypothetical situation.  As I'm writing this, I'm laughing.  And this is meant in all seriousness. But if anyone reading this knew who the old Amanda was, this would almost seem like she has died and someone else took over her body.  Kissing a stranger used to not be an issue, but now kissing a potentially well-rounded man disgusts me.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

      I want meaningful kisses... kind of.  I don't want them soon and I don't want them with anyone I know at this point in my life. I don't have feelings for anyone other than myself.  I'm so content with being alone its fearful.  I was fearful once of a relationship and now I'm fearful that I'm too happy alone that I'll never get back out there again. Am I missing out?  Pretty smile guy could have been a good opportunity.  He could have been someone worth my while.  He probably and hopefully didn't even think of me in that view of light, but I'm talking about hypothetical here.  What if I'm so closed off due from my solitude happiness, that I may be missing things?  I don't fear getting hurt.  My strength is a force to be reckoned with.  Fear is not transpiring from a future breakup.  Its transpiring from not wanting to deal with anyone else in my life.  Nobody interests me.  Nobody makes my heart flutter.  I don't want anyone to touch me or fall for me.  I just want to be alone because I'm happy that way.  But I've never been happy that way, so I'm confused.  Where is this coming from?  Have I grown into a woman.   Or have I actually just learned how to love myself?  Have I really not loved myself until now... My emotions are confusing me because this is nothing I've ever felt with myself. I'm alone. Happily alone.  No denial.  No anger or hurt.  I'm dancing in the clouds that singles go to when they are at peace.


                                                                         Yours truly,
                                                                        Amanda Rae

Truth comes out a little at a time...

          Hello Readers, once again.  Today I'm going to talk about a subject that comes up very often for me.  That wonderful thing to you, horrible thing to me, called love.  Many of you reading this are fully aware I do not believe in love.  I simply think its an emotion made up in the mind, followed out by society's control of dragging it out.  Yes, I'm only seventeen, and my opinions are bound to change at some moment in my life.  But, I honestly don't see this one changing.  Two words that I feel have no meaning behind them are 'forever' and 'love'.

          Now, don't get me wrong. I do believe two people can be happy together. I have been in two serious relationships, and one or two week-long relationships.  I am not a girl who likes to be in a relationship, or let alone recommends them. I believe getting in a relationship, being a non-believer in love, is basically setting one's self up for failure.  I've felt that happiness when you see a guy.  The moment you first kiss where you feel like you two have been lifted off your feet.  The way your throat feels fuzzy when he strokes your neck. I've felt those emotions, but it wasn't love my folks...It was a moment of happiness that I let someone else bring me.  Those days are gone, but the one's where I make myself happier, seem to be a much different happiness.  

          To know that you can bring a smile upon yourself, make yourself feel beautiful, and live each day without the emotional baggage of another person...is beyond enthralling. Society has forced the eloping of man and woman so far, that it must happen in order to be normal.  Well you know what Readers, I'm tired of feeling like I'm an outcast because I don't believe in love or think I'll ever get married. Not because I don't see myself in that white dress, or having beautiful children...but because I want to prove it to the world I can be just as happy being an independent woman.  

          You ask me, do I miss the feeling of a guy caring for me?  To be honest, yes at times. Shockingly though, I find myself missing my happiness as an individual when I'm in a relationship, much more.  Keep in mind, I am not asking anyone to feel the way I feel or do as I do.  Lord knows, it takes a lot of mental strength to get where I am at now.  The purpose of this is to get readers to grasp an understanding on my views. A little exercise for those who try hard to be wanted by the opposite sex, stop trying! Because, if and I stress IF...you believe in love, you'd know that kind of happiness should not be a scavenger hunt.

                                        Yours truly,

                                      Amanda Rae 

PS:  Please, readers, if you have any questions or disagreements about my views...feel free to post them.  I'm acceptive of negative or positive feedback.