For a little over a month I have been writing in a notebook. It's not so much the writing as you would expect, more like jotting down the emotions I don't usually tend to.  It was writing all the random thoughts I questioned or all the emotions I constantly deceive.  This is a notebook for only yours truly, and nobody else. The purpose of this notebook is not to show other's how I feel, but to organize and prioritize my emotions. Well, I ended up writing a page that has stuck with me.. The date of writing this page was 09/28/2011. I'm writing this blog a little late, but you see, I have gone back to my hometown for a visit and now I'm finding the time and words to write this blog.  I'm choosing to show my readers one of my pages, word for word, out of my notebook.  I'll write what I have and then follow up with some insight.  Big step, so enjoy.

Taking Risks;
        Short term risks, we make every day.
        Long terms risks are what I question,
        Life isn't mapped out, so we must make our own fate, or what I call path. Each road we take changes the course or direction of our path. So when you face a decision that will affect you long term, do you risk it? Or do you avoid it and keep walking the path you know?  When is taking a risk worth it? Will you know?
        Life is a guessing game.  So is the beauty of life taking risks and seeing where it takes you?
        How many risks should you take?  Should there be a limit?  What if you've taken the same risk before? Can it take you on a separate path?  Or does the same risk always end the same way, leading to the same path?
        Life can lead you to a comfort zone with no risks.
        Can life bring me all the same joys with no risks?  Or is that not really living?  Does living with out risks lead to a hidden unhappiness?
        Or should I just be asking, is experiencing love really a risk?

        So what is my question really?  There are too many to find just one I'm asking.  Risks, they are everywhere. We all make bad decisions time to time, but learning from mistakes is what makes the difference. Learning from a bad decision can actually lead you to a better path in my opinion.  Thing is, what happens when you find that comfort zone?  The place at which you are happy because nothing can actually affect your path.  You're not relying on anyone or anything to bring you happiness or facing any major life changes.  When you've reached that place and run across a decision, do you risk it?  Should you really risk your happiness when you are already happy?  Why do we constantly try to improve our state of emotions?  I see too many people taking too many risks and their life becomes a roller coaster of emotions.  I'd rather have the neutral zone where my happiness stays at an even pace.
        Now, what if that risk is a chance at experiencing love? Is that the kind of risk you should take?  Well, there lies the questions of what kind of person are you trying to love, or what kind of person are you, in order to love.  What if you've been in that risk before?  People say it can be different.  They say that each relationship is different or the person you fell for was wrong.  Well, what if I'm the wrong one?  Then is risking your happiness for love worth it?  I don't think so. 

        We all learn from our mistakes or our mistaken paths we've traveled.  We are all different, but if you find yourself finding the same weary path over and over again, stop taking that risk.  Stop making the same decisions.  Make a change, for what you're feeling can only be felt by you.  Nobody truly cares about how you feel.  That's a mistake you should never make.

                        Yours truly,
                       Amanda Rae

Love Free

        For my readers and dearest friends that keep up with this blog, you very well know my beliefs on the subject of love.  I don't believe in love... more than so I don't believe in what society has made of love.  I've got a different take on the whole relationship spiel.  I've got a different take on how I handle relationships and why I'm not the type of person to be in one.

        You ask, what do you believe in if you don't believe in love?  I believe two people can be happy together.  Sometimes in life people think they need a companion to bring them joy.  For me, I bring myself joy... yet I wonder what it would feel like to let someone else bring me happiness again.  I wonder what it feels like to care about someone so deeply that I get that funny feeling in my gut and that rush of heat throughout my body with the softest kiss.  The way it feels to have someone's fingertips run through my hair sending chills down my spine.  The way it gets so hot under the covers from holding each other so tight....  Yeah, I wonder if I'll ever feel those things again... the things that make a relationship almost worth every struggle.
        But for me, I don't like to talk about my emotions or the painful reasons of why I am the person I am today. To me, you have to know those things and understand them to know me as a person.  Without me willing to explain them, a companionship will never exist. I don't try to get new friends, for they will never really get to know me.  I have two girl friends and one guy friend that have grown up with me and been by my side through each of my painful experiences.  I'll never have to explain to them why I don't trust anyone or why I fear divorce... they know how my head already works.  They know what I feel and what I need at any given moment. With a relationship, two partners must be there for each other and support each others' needs. 
        My needs in a relationship?  I need a guy to completely understand me.  I need a guy to prove to me that forever does exist.  I need a guy to prove to me in ten years the feelings we have for each other will never change.  Each of those requests can never be made.  For no one new will understand me, for forever is an indefinite amount of time, for no one can show me what the future holds.  Do I hold too high of requests for a relationship?  Yes, I know I do. 
        Just like anyone, I do think about getting married.  I've thought about myself in a beautiful wedding gown, walking down the isle to some man I chose to fall in love with.  I've thought about having the chance to have kids again with a man that I know will always be there for them.  I miss feeling beautiful by just the touch of a caring guy.  Time to time, as I watch a movie I wish I was laying against a guy that I know wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here with me.  I do miss feeling close to someone, but I've trained myself to not allow those desires and wants fade what really matters in life.

        I purposely avoid all chances of getting close with someone.  I never want to be so close to someone in way that they hold the opportunity to hurt me.  Keeping my distance allows me to remain invincible.  I never want to put my emotions on the line for the risk of getting happiness from another.  The most important thing in life is yourself.  When you put yourself in a relationship, you risk all sense of stability.  Too many marriages are made, making two people live unhappy for years until a divorce is made.  I will never set myself up for failure.  I don't want to get into a relationship not knowing if we will last a lifetime.  If it doesn't last a lifetime, what's the point of getting to know each other and fighting to stay happy when you're just going to leave each other?  I'd rather spend my time making myself happy while watching all these reckless relationships fail, knowing I'll never be that heartbroken girl. 

                        Yours truly,
                        Amanda Rae

Saying goodbye...

Alright, so I'm going to admit that my emotions have caught up with me. This is a very rare thing and usually means something serious has struck.  A couple posts ago, I wrote about a guy that I love...the one and only guy I'll love. Well that one and only guy I love is not the one and only guy I need.  With my birthday being yesterday, I wasn't really expecting to get a present from the hope and dreams crusher!

My love, Ryan, and I had a rocky relationship. It was full of lies, deceit, and hurtful words.  Of course there were the good times, times that I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world...but the more time went on, the less I felt that way.  Throughout all the bad, I still didn't want anything other than him.  Every time him and reached out to each other after several months of not speaking, the bond we had and the love we shared seemed to be more than perfect. But yesterday, reality struck me...

When two people break up after a true relationship, an emptiness is left within the two people.  Eventually the two will talk again and second guess whether they should be together or not.  If the two choose to try it again, well that's when you have entered the "in between" phase.  The phase where there are no fights, no worries, just pure happiness. This is due to the fact that a couple trying to build a relationship isn't going to fight and bring up issues from the past, ruining what they've started.  Once you move past this phase and get back into the relationship, getting comfortable... this is when the fights, lies arise, and problems from the past bring back an unhappy relationship...the reason you two broke up in the first place.

In my situation, I will always love Ryan. Even if he has put me through a long heart-wrenching two years, he will always be a major part of my life.  But as of last night, I made it clear that we will never be together.  Something that put me in tears to say, something that I couldn't stand telling the guy I love, but something that was much overdo.  Two people who become each other's poison should not try to be together again.  Now I will go back to the life style I am most comfortable with... not letting a single person in and keeping all senses of relationships and affections far away, for I am most happy when I am alone

                           Yours truly,
                         Amanda Rae

PS. Ryan, if you ever do come across this... Just know that I was in love with who I thought you were, but I clearly don't even know the real you.

What if?

      

          "What If?" is a major question that is thrown around time to time.  We often wonder what could be different about our situations in life...not as if many people take the effort to make a change, they still ponder the thought.  Some situations are just simply impossible to change, so wondering "what if" seems to become quite over powering.




         I've been reading some other blogs and basically, I got more of a back bone than I thought I had before.  I read some intriguing stories and questioned myself, "Why do you constantly hide things?"  This blog is about who I am and what I view.  This entire time I thought it wasn't "right" to talk about things in my life, due to hurting or shocking a reader.  I'm not the secretive type, I just choose to not talk about certain things.  The fear of being judged has never concerned me either... I guess I'm just the "closed" type or I was too worried about letting someone close know how I felt about them.  Well that whole "What if?" question popped into my head.

Think about this one...
         What if I just don't care how I affect you, the reader, anymore.  You're choosing to read this blog, right?  No, I'm not going to come out and tell you all that I'm some massive murder or that I kill bunnies as a side job.  Those are obviously false accusations.  I'm going to put myself in some "What if" situations and basically elaborate how different my life
could have been.  (Don't mistake this! I love who I am more than you possibly have loved anything in your life.)  This is simply a blog to get the mind working and to discuss the make-up of who I am.

1. What if I had a functional family?


         This was the first question that popped into my mind.  Maybe this is due to the fact I'm recently having family problems, who knows? Point is I've never had that; white picket fence, two loving parents, dog in the front yard, welcoming home.  Then again, nobody truly does anymore. I have divorced parents and I'm living in my grandparents trailer in South Carolina because... well we are poor. I had a father who neglected me for the most important years of my life.  I have a mother who was more of a best friend than a mom, which wasn't always a good thing. My entire family's kryptonite is alcohol. I have a family member that nearly died from the refusal to put the bottle down and a grandfather who drinks coffee with his beer in the mornings (That's just gross!).

         Well if I had a functional family... I would either be the most obedient teenager or a sketchy kid who broke the rules.  Knowing my personality, I probably would have rebelled and became worse than I turned out. My parents probably would have no idea that I was crushing a xanex into a blunt in my room or popping bottles of Tequila at the party down the street.  See growing up, my mother was aware of everything I did. She knew about the alcohol, the weed, and the drug addiction.  Instead of trying to force me to stop, she allowed it. She must have known the kind of kid I was because I ended up quitting after a tragic experience and haven't touched a drug in nine months.  Parents who judge other parents for allowing certain things to happen behind closed doors, keep your judgments to your damn self! If she would have told me to stop, I'd still be hiding bars in my purse or smoking a cigarette in the school bathroom at lunch time.


2. What if I had my child?


         If you didn't know it yet, you know it now... I am supposed to a mother.  If it was a boy, his named would have been Jet Ryan Lamot. If it was a girl, her named would have been Kalen Marie Lamot.  I got pregnant at the age of sixteen with a boy who I thought was everything I needed in life.  Some good things come out of bad situations. The child unfortunately is not here today, but I also am no longer with the man who lied about his entire life.  But what if?  What if I had my baby on September 25th as planned?  



         Well for one, I'd love that child more than anything and most likely be stuck with a man who didn't care who he hurt in attempts to be dominant.  The distant family, who is bound to read this, probably would have shit their pants and called me a horrible child.  Well I had sex, got pregnant, and would have supported that child no matter what got in my way.  If that makes me a whore, failure, or whatever else you've got in mind... so be it!  For those who frown upon being a teenage mother, my child left this world February 26th 2010.  If you just smiled inside for the sakes of my future, I hope you fall off a cliff.


3. What if I believed in love? 


         A little insight for you readers, I didn't choose to believe or not believe in the things I do.  I don't think one can just force a thought into the mind and completely believe it.  I don't just refuse to be in love, I can't get my mind to accept it.  But, If I did...what would be different?  Would I "fall in love" with some boy?
         Maybe some of the previous boys I blew off would have stuck around. I would have been in more than three relationships and wouldn't enjoy being single in all aspects of life. I most likely would end up as just another heart broken girl on her desperate attempt to find her Mr. Right.  Thankfully this is just "What if" because the sound of that sends an impulse of nausea to my stomach.


         Wondering what could have happened or if that should have happened is basically a test for the pride within yourself.  No matter what question is brought upon you, you should always embrace the person you are.  "What if" questions just make me realize why I admire my family, who I've become, and every flaw I've got.

                                    Yours truly,
                                   Amanda Rae

Truth comes out a little at a time...

          Hello Readers, once again.  Today I'm going to talk about a subject that comes up very often for me.  That wonderful thing to you, horrible thing to me, called love.  Many of you reading this are fully aware I do not believe in love.  I simply think its an emotion made up in the mind, followed out by society's control of dragging it out.  Yes, I'm only seventeen, and my opinions are bound to change at some moment in my life.  But, I honestly don't see this one changing.  Two words that I feel have no meaning behind them are 'forever' and 'love'.

          Now, don't get me wrong. I do believe two people can be happy together. I have been in two serious relationships, and one or two week-long relationships.  I am not a girl who likes to be in a relationship, or let alone recommends them. I believe getting in a relationship, being a non-believer in love, is basically setting one's self up for failure.  I've felt that happiness when you see a guy.  The moment you first kiss where you feel like you two have been lifted off your feet.  The way your throat feels fuzzy when he strokes your neck. I've felt those emotions, but it wasn't love my folks...It was a moment of happiness that I let someone else bring me.  Those days are gone, but the one's where I make myself happier, seem to be a much different happiness.  

          To know that you can bring a smile upon yourself, make yourself feel beautiful, and live each day without the emotional baggage of another person...is beyond enthralling. Society has forced the eloping of man and woman so far, that it must happen in order to be normal.  Well you know what Readers, I'm tired of feeling like I'm an outcast because I don't believe in love or think I'll ever get married. Not because I don't see myself in that white dress, or having beautiful children...but because I want to prove it to the world I can be just as happy being an independent woman.  

          You ask me, do I miss the feeling of a guy caring for me?  To be honest, yes at times. Shockingly though, I find myself missing my happiness as an individual when I'm in a relationship, much more.  Keep in mind, I am not asking anyone to feel the way I feel or do as I do.  Lord knows, it takes a lot of mental strength to get where I am at now.  The purpose of this is to get readers to grasp an understanding on my views. A little exercise for those who try hard to be wanted by the opposite sex, stop trying! Because, if and I stress IF...you believe in love, you'd know that kind of happiness should not be a scavenger hunt.

                                        Yours truly,

                                      Amanda Rae 

PS:  Please, readers, if you have any questions or disagreements about my views...feel free to post them.  I'm acceptive of negative or positive feedback.