A day that I can't take back...

          I've come to a point of emptiness.  This will be my first blog I write that I won't overlook my words. I won't backspace any emotions I express uncontrollably.  This is going to be the blog that will cause the biggest self challenge to get through writing.  I've started to notice a change in who I am.  Some of you that talk to me on a daily basis may not have experienced or even noticed this change, but I see it in the way I think, the way I talk, and the way I've been second guessing everything in life.

          I'm not exactly sure why I've decided to write about this and share it for all the one's whom are choosing to read this.  I am fully aware that I'm going to be judged.  Whether it be out loud and blunt or judged silently. In a month from now, September 25th, I should be celebrating my child's first birthday.  I should be frantically rushing into decisions on how to decorate the cake, what outfit he or she should wear, or what the theme for my baby's first birthday will be.  Instead, I sit here with no child.  I sit here with a empty feeling full of regret and hatred for myself.  If anyone decides on viewing me with disgust from this point forward... just let it be known, I look in the mirror some days and damn near want to cover it with a black sheet so I don't even have to face myself.  I had an abortion.

         A year and a half ago, I was a sixteen year old girl with a twenty one year old boyfriend.  Or so I thought.  He was my first boyfriend and yet, he was the furthest thing from who I thought he was.  One drunken night was all it took.  I was pregnant.  I'll never forget the day I took the tests.  My mother wasn't home at the time and my boyfriend brought over two pregnancy tests.  I took the first one and we watched that test like hawks as the second line slowly became visible.  Not knowing if a faint second line clarified as being pregnant, I took the second. Yeah, I was definitely pregnant.  Before in talking about me being pregnant, my boyfriend had told me that if I was, I should get an abortion.  I agreed until that very moment the scare became a reality.  To make matters even more confusing, my boyfriend smiled with joy as I dropped to the floor with my head tucked between my knees. His words..."Baby, we're pregnant."  Not "you're" pregnant, "WE'RE" pregnant. In that moment, with the tears running down my face, I knew that in nine months I would be having a child.

          I was pregnant for two and a half months, or as the doctor told me...10 weeks. In that time, I figured out what the child's name was going to be whether it be a boy or a girl.  Boy: Jet Ryan  Girl: Kalen Rae  Now: "My blue eyed angel".  To save everyone from a long story in explaining myself, my boyfriend clearly lost himself.  The man I knew to be protective and the most endearing person, quickly became the most cynical and vindictive man.  Lies and secrets were quickly arising in our relationship and I sure as hell didn't know how to deal with them.  He said things to me that I had never heard from someone that actually was trying to hurt my feelings.  I grew up with parents that spent most of their time fighting.  I grew up without a father for many years of my life and as I know I would have given my child everything in my will power, there was never a chance in this world I could live with giving my child the life I had.

          February 26th 2010, I went through went through with the abortion.  Today the man that was supposed to be the father of my child is far from a part of my life.  You see, we tried multiple times after to be the couple we invisioned.  Three months ago he finally admitted to lying about basically everything he has told me in life.  For a long time he tried to cover his tracks and was very good at manipulating me.  I know now that if I would have gone through with my pregnancy, my innocent child would have been born with one of the worst men to become a father.  At the same time, I can't sit here and give excuses for why I went through with my abortion, but I can give you my reasons for why it seemed like the smartest decision after weeks of thinking.

          Today is a new day.  If I could be the person I am today and go back with the ability to have my child, I wouldn't waste a second going back.  Today I would be a good mother.  Today I would choose to live with nothing else in this world except for that child.  I can't take back what I have already done.  I'm one who doesn't ever want to regret a moment in life, for my past decisions have made me the strong, good-hearted person I am today.  Yet, I do regret having my abortion.  Whether you knew my story and know it was a smart decision or whether you don't know me and already choose to look down on me... know this, I've never felt so much hatred for myself and for what I've done.  For the first time I can admit that I am weak.  I'm not okay and I'm not sure if there will ever come a time that this will ever be okay with me.  I have hit a point in life to where I'm not exactly sure where I go emotionally from here.  Much is changing around me but I still pause to sit here and close my eyes to see a beautiful child running and playing.  I have feelings of guilt, regret, pain, disgust, hatred, sadness, and anger all for one person...myself.

          For those of you who chose to have sex and not take precautions... don't think you are invincible for one second.  I never thought at sixteen I'd be pregnant.  The relationship that seemed picture perfect crashed and burned once reality caught up with us.  Every story is different.  Every life has a different outcome.  If I could just give anyone that reads this one word of advice to carry on, it would be... think about your actions.  Every action can be held accountable for in one way or another.  Don't let that one moment of pleasure lead to a life full of sorrow.  Don't be me.  Please, just don't be me. 

                    Yours truly,
                   Amanda Rae

What if?

      

          "What If?" is a major question that is thrown around time to time.  We often wonder what could be different about our situations in life...not as if many people take the effort to make a change, they still ponder the thought.  Some situations are just simply impossible to change, so wondering "what if" seems to become quite over powering.




         I've been reading some other blogs and basically, I got more of a back bone than I thought I had before.  I read some intriguing stories and questioned myself, "Why do you constantly hide things?"  This blog is about who I am and what I view.  This entire time I thought it wasn't "right" to talk about things in my life, due to hurting or shocking a reader.  I'm not the secretive type, I just choose to not talk about certain things.  The fear of being judged has never concerned me either... I guess I'm just the "closed" type or I was too worried about letting someone close know how I felt about them.  Well that whole "What if?" question popped into my head.

Think about this one...
         What if I just don't care how I affect you, the reader, anymore.  You're choosing to read this blog, right?  No, I'm not going to come out and tell you all that I'm some massive murder or that I kill bunnies as a side job.  Those are obviously false accusations.  I'm going to put myself in some "What if" situations and basically elaborate how different my life
could have been.  (Don't mistake this! I love who I am more than you possibly have loved anything in your life.)  This is simply a blog to get the mind working and to discuss the make-up of who I am.

1. What if I had a functional family?


         This was the first question that popped into my mind.  Maybe this is due to the fact I'm recently having family problems, who knows? Point is I've never had that; white picket fence, two loving parents, dog in the front yard, welcoming home.  Then again, nobody truly does anymore. I have divorced parents and I'm living in my grandparents trailer in South Carolina because... well we are poor. I had a father who neglected me for the most important years of my life.  I have a mother who was more of a best friend than a mom, which wasn't always a good thing. My entire family's kryptonite is alcohol. I have a family member that nearly died from the refusal to put the bottle down and a grandfather who drinks coffee with his beer in the mornings (That's just gross!).

         Well if I had a functional family... I would either be the most obedient teenager or a sketchy kid who broke the rules.  Knowing my personality, I probably would have rebelled and became worse than I turned out. My parents probably would have no idea that I was crushing a xanex into a blunt in my room or popping bottles of Tequila at the party down the street.  See growing up, my mother was aware of everything I did. She knew about the alcohol, the weed, and the drug addiction.  Instead of trying to force me to stop, she allowed it. She must have known the kind of kid I was because I ended up quitting after a tragic experience and haven't touched a drug in nine months.  Parents who judge other parents for allowing certain things to happen behind closed doors, keep your judgments to your damn self! If she would have told me to stop, I'd still be hiding bars in my purse or smoking a cigarette in the school bathroom at lunch time.


2. What if I had my child?


         If you didn't know it yet, you know it now... I am supposed to a mother.  If it was a boy, his named would have been Jet Ryan Lamot. If it was a girl, her named would have been Kalen Marie Lamot.  I got pregnant at the age of sixteen with a boy who I thought was everything I needed in life.  Some good things come out of bad situations. The child unfortunately is not here today, but I also am no longer with the man who lied about his entire life.  But what if?  What if I had my baby on September 25th as planned?  



         Well for one, I'd love that child more than anything and most likely be stuck with a man who didn't care who he hurt in attempts to be dominant.  The distant family, who is bound to read this, probably would have shit their pants and called me a horrible child.  Well I had sex, got pregnant, and would have supported that child no matter what got in my way.  If that makes me a whore, failure, or whatever else you've got in mind... so be it!  For those who frown upon being a teenage mother, my child left this world February 26th 2010.  If you just smiled inside for the sakes of my future, I hope you fall off a cliff.


3. What if I believed in love? 


         A little insight for you readers, I didn't choose to believe or not believe in the things I do.  I don't think one can just force a thought into the mind and completely believe it.  I don't just refuse to be in love, I can't get my mind to accept it.  But, If I did...what would be different?  Would I "fall in love" with some boy?
         Maybe some of the previous boys I blew off would have stuck around. I would have been in more than three relationships and wouldn't enjoy being single in all aspects of life. I most likely would end up as just another heart broken girl on her desperate attempt to find her Mr. Right.  Thankfully this is just "What if" because the sound of that sends an impulse of nausea to my stomach.


         Wondering what could have happened or if that should have happened is basically a test for the pride within yourself.  No matter what question is brought upon you, you should always embrace the person you are.  "What if" questions just make me realize why I admire my family, who I've become, and every flaw I've got.

                                    Yours truly,
                                   Amanda Rae