Love Free

        For my readers and dearest friends that keep up with this blog, you very well know my beliefs on the subject of love.  I don't believe in love... more than so I don't believe in what society has made of love.  I've got a different take on the whole relationship spiel.  I've got a different take on how I handle relationships and why I'm not the type of person to be in one.

        You ask, what do you believe in if you don't believe in love?  I believe two people can be happy together.  Sometimes in life people think they need a companion to bring them joy.  For me, I bring myself joy... yet I wonder what it would feel like to let someone else bring me happiness again.  I wonder what it feels like to care about someone so deeply that I get that funny feeling in my gut and that rush of heat throughout my body with the softest kiss.  The way it feels to have someone's fingertips run through my hair sending chills down my spine.  The way it gets so hot under the covers from holding each other so tight....  Yeah, I wonder if I'll ever feel those things again... the things that make a relationship almost worth every struggle.
        But for me, I don't like to talk about my emotions or the painful reasons of why I am the person I am today. To me, you have to know those things and understand them to know me as a person.  Without me willing to explain them, a companionship will never exist. I don't try to get new friends, for they will never really get to know me.  I have two girl friends and one guy friend that have grown up with me and been by my side through each of my painful experiences.  I'll never have to explain to them why I don't trust anyone or why I fear divorce... they know how my head already works.  They know what I feel and what I need at any given moment. With a relationship, two partners must be there for each other and support each others' needs. 
        My needs in a relationship?  I need a guy to completely understand me.  I need a guy to prove to me that forever does exist.  I need a guy to prove to me in ten years the feelings we have for each other will never change.  Each of those requests can never be made.  For no one new will understand me, for forever is an indefinite amount of time, for no one can show me what the future holds.  Do I hold too high of requests for a relationship?  Yes, I know I do. 
        Just like anyone, I do think about getting married.  I've thought about myself in a beautiful wedding gown, walking down the isle to some man I chose to fall in love with.  I've thought about having the chance to have kids again with a man that I know will always be there for them.  I miss feeling beautiful by just the touch of a caring guy.  Time to time, as I watch a movie I wish I was laying against a guy that I know wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here with me.  I do miss feeling close to someone, but I've trained myself to not allow those desires and wants fade what really matters in life.

        I purposely avoid all chances of getting close with someone.  I never want to be so close to someone in way that they hold the opportunity to hurt me.  Keeping my distance allows me to remain invincible.  I never want to put my emotions on the line for the risk of getting happiness from another.  The most important thing in life is yourself.  When you put yourself in a relationship, you risk all sense of stability.  Too many marriages are made, making two people live unhappy for years until a divorce is made.  I will never set myself up for failure.  I don't want to get into a relationship not knowing if we will last a lifetime.  If it doesn't last a lifetime, what's the point of getting to know each other and fighting to stay happy when you're just going to leave each other?  I'd rather spend my time making myself happy while watching all these reckless relationships fail, knowing I'll never be that heartbroken girl. 

                        Yours truly,
                        Amanda Rae