One fatal second...

Before you begin to read what I have to say, answer these few questions.
1. Have you ever drank alcohol?
2. Have you ever rode in a vehicle after the driver has been drinking or taken drugs?
3. Have you ever operated a vehicle after drinking or taking drugs?
4. Do you know anyone who has been killed by a drunk driver, or someone who has killed someone by drinking and driving?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions...remember...one second can end up being the last second you or another will have.

         October 2nd, 2010 I decided to get into a vehicle after consuming over fifteen beers and several shots of tequila. I was new in town, so I decided to show up the boys who THOUGHT they knew how to drink.  I was a female, and most females feel as if they need to prove they can drink a man under the table.  Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?  Females have a higher water content in their body, so it is a proven fact that females get intoxicated faster and stay intoxicated longer than males.  Point is, male or female, trying to out drink someone is really ignorant.  The more you drink, the less your mind is able to make decisions that you'll stand by in the morning.

         After I got in the vehicle, my memory started to fade.  I don't remember driving, I don't remember dropping a friend off, I don't remember the road I was even on.  I think back and all I can see is the blue lights in my rear view mirror.  There was no denying I was drunk.  I was instantly asked to step outside of the vehicle.  I did the sobriety tests and failed them drastically...blowing a .16 on my blood alcohol test.  The cop asked me to turn around and handcuffed me.  I was then put into the back of the cop car and taken to jail.  I was arrested for a Driving Under the Influence, Driving Under Suspension, Open Container, and Minor Possession of Alcohol.  My jail experience is beyond all doubt, the scariest thing I have ever been through.  I was put in shackles, handcuffs, and put into a holding cell with a couple girls and several cat-calling males.  I remember sitting there in that dull, cement room.  Looking around I saw people who looked like they belonged there, people who had smiles on their faces, people who without a doubt were criminals... all I knew was that was not the place I belonged.

         I was court ordered to do a lot for my DUI.  I had to commit to fifty hours of community service, attend a class for two months about alcohol and drug abuse, take a class about safe drivers, and visit a prison.  In my prison tour, I was in a group of about twenty girls. We had to hold hands with another girl and walk in a straight line.  We were in the inmates home.  No bars, no windows, no fence in between these prisoners.  Our tour guides were four female inmates that had been locked up for sixteen years.  Those four shared their stories with us.  I was not only the youngest in my group, but the only one with a DUI.  Out of the four, two of the inmates made sure to present their stories straight towards me...for driving under the influence was the very reason they were wearing that tan uniform with a printed reminder reading "inmate".   One of them was arrested at 19.  She was very similar to the person I was back then... a partier that always said, "Oh, I drive better drunk."  She said that until she killed a three month old child by drinking a driving.  The second woman was someone who still sends chills down my spine to this day.  She told me that she was never a heavy drinker, that she had maybe been to three bars in her entire life.  One day she had a couple beers and remembered she had to pick up a few things at the store.  She then began to tell us that she wrecked and killed two children... an eight and two year old. As she paused, she continued to tell us that those two kids were her very own children inside her vehicle.  She then put in my hands, pictures of her two children and of the vehicle after the wreck.  That was the day that I realized I never will step foot in a vehicle after drinking or if the driver has been drinking.

         The one thing I did, that wasn't court ordered, was grow as a person and learn to appreciate getting a DUI. During my process, I was living with my mother and my grandparents.  My entire family drinks. Whether it's all day, a couple drinks a day, three times a week... my family drinks.  My point in saying this is, it's not easy to quit when you're surrounded by drunks.  It either makes you want to drink again or it makes you want to enforce them to quit.  As tough as it got to get my point across sometimes, eventually my family supported me in my decision to quit.  I have alcoholics on both my mother's and father's side of the family.  I'm very prone to becoming a serious alcoholic. But learning from my mistakes in the past and seeing what condition I would be in if I kept drinking, makes drinking never an option.

         Today, I'm a different person.  Ten months ago I was a partier.  I was the girl who wanted all the attention at a get-together.  I was someone who drank until I couldn't or until I did something stupid.  Today I'm the girl who stays sober.  I'm the girl who can go to a party and not think twice about picking up any drink of alcohol.  I will ALWAYS be the girl who knows that every decision I make is under a strong sober mind.  My process to this life was the hardest but the most rewarding experience I've gone through.  I know a lot of people who read this may never understand what it's like to not drink, to go through and see the things I saw, or to eliminate the only way they can feel accepted.  A party life will never be a successful life.  An alcoholic is nothing but a failure to life.  To pick up alcohol and let it fade the image of the beautiful chance of life we are all given, is to let go of control on the only chance you're given. 

                           From a sober mind,
                                Amanda Rae
                         

Crash!

          You wake up.  It's nine thirty but you were supposed to get up at seven. Your alarm clock is blinking because the power went out in the middle of the night.  You still have to get dressed, grab something to eat, and rush to work.  You keep trying to call your boss to tell them you are on the way, but you keep losing signal.  So as you are driving in a hurry down the road, everybody on the road seems to be driving under the speed limit, traffic is horrible, and you still can't get any service.  The world seems to be shitting on you basically.  Well that intense, horrible morning will get better!  You may get fired, lose a raise... the possibilities are endless... BUT life always gets better. In order for life to have a better outcome, you must make that outcome happen.  You can not sit back and let life fix itself, you have to take action.

          Readers, I'm going to let you in on some information in my life... I'm only seventeen but just as most people these days, I've had my tussles with many tragedies. I honestly have never had a good role model. Every thing in life I learned, I had to learn through an experience.  Whether it be drugs, sex, or violence. But throughout being a lousy child, I grew up and became a wonderful person.  Life is all about taking a horrible thing and making a better outcome.  You can never "give up" on the effort for a better life... because you can always, ALWAYS, achieve the greater. 

          I refuse to identify people, but I have a close person in my life who is drinking their life away. This person is the one who inspired me to continue my life with art and never give up on my talent.  I've tried numerous efforts to keep this person away from the drinking and keep to the things in life that make one happy.  Well every effort has failed and this person refuses to think of anyone except for themselves... So I informed this alcoholic that I will not watch them drink their life away and stepped away from this issue...no longer giving any effort to influence them to quit .  Am I wrong? Maybe.  But alcoholics know nothing other than the mood enhancer they drink out of a can or bottle every day.  The family, the friends, the pure amazement of having a life seems to vanish right before them, without even noticing.  A drunk drinks that reality away and never has to live with the pain like the sober ones around them.  My advice to you, don't drink to the point to where you become addicted.  An alcoholic is a failure, no matter what view point you are looking at it from.  They can achieve the sober life, with a tremendous effort... but it can be done.  

          Readers, simply think about life.  Life is so precious... whether you are living for yourself or living for a beautiful family.  The thought of taking each breath, walking with one foot in front of the other, being able to touch and feel, everything in life is amazing... don't ever take it for granted or do anything in life to fade that precious experience we are given.

                                        Just some insight from yours truly,

                                                     Amanda Rae

One mind, one experience, different views.

Dear Readers, sorry for the absence of posts this past weekend...it's been a busy one.
          Last week I had discussion in my art class about expressing ones' feelings.  I asked, "To talk or not to talk?  Does it help to talk about your feelings, or does it just make it worse? What exactly is the point of expressing your pain through words?"  Personally, I choose to keep painful experiences inside and my brain deals with making them go away.  I chose to write about this because I've always been told I need to "talk" to someone and let my emotions out.  I got some very intelligent responses. Of course the basic answer is, it depends on who you are.  Well I wanted to reach further than that...So after gathering my information, I came to this conclusion;

         Yes, everyone IS different, but a tragedy in one's life may be a daily event for another.  You see, you can't really judge someone's pain to another's.  I relate it to this...a person who has been hit by their boyfriend for the first time can express that as a horrible experience.  BUT, a guy that just broke up with a girl for the first time experiences just as much agony, just in a different way.  Now when it comes to expressing your grief, you must WANT to express it.  One can not be forced to talk about their feelings, or you won't get the true feelings.  Some people are great at expressing themselves, and truly do feel better after doing it.  Others, don't do well verbally expressing emotions, so talking about painful emotions just brings up more mind bearing pain.
          For me, I find it easier when I "bottle up" my emotions.  I feel as if something inside of me slowly chips them away until they just disappear from my thoughts.  Yeah, it may take a while, but it takes me ten times longer to deal with something when someone else knows about it.  If I'm the only one who knows I'm hurt...well then I'm the only one that has to deal with it.  If another person knows about my pain, they try to help you but words don't fix a hurt soul.  On the other hand, some people feel as if another person DOES know about their pain, they AREN'T the only one dealing with it.  A girl told me after I asked her the topic question, "I think it helps to talk about your feelings.  Not to put it on the other person, but to know you aren't the only one worrying about it."  Although it is the complete opposite of how I feel, I think it is a great arguing point.  Most people see things from one side, but when you take a look at the other side...you realize there is more than one way to deal with something.
          As I said before, one's pain can not be compared to another.  It almost like comparing a man's penis size to a woman's breast size, it just doesn't make sense. Our minds are so complex and work in a plethora of different ways, just depending on who's eyes the world is being seen through.  The most common thing I hear when someone is going through a tragic experience is, "It could be worse."  Readers, I must say I disagree to an extent.  Yes, it could be worse in the event of death or even a close to death struggle...But my worst experience is obviously not going to be the same as yours.  Similar to what I stated earlier, if a vegetarian eats meat on accident or you were disowned by yours parents...they are equally as painful to each person going through the tragedy.
          The answer is, find out what is right for you.  If you are person who must talk about things and share them with the ones close to you, then by all means share those emotions.  And if you are one who likes to keep your emotions hidden, or likes to think you don't even have emotions, keep them bottled up.  Don't let someone else influence how you take care of your pain... keep in mind they don't feel through the same skin, look through the same eyes, or hear the same things you do! We are all our own person.

                          Yours truly,
                        Amanda Rae