Back to Life and Writing

I don't know what brought my urge to write again, maybe it's the fact that I feel a change in my life. Maybe it's because today, someone who has been reading my blogs for a long time wrote me.  Maybe it's because I need the creativity flow back in my body.  But tonight, I'm going to talk about something that's been apart of my life for a long time. 

I thought about it when I was younger. I was about twelve or thirteen years old when it first became more than a thought. I remember sitting in my green circle chair in my sponge bob decorated room. I'm not sure if it was because my dad left or if it was because I felt like nobody connected with me as a person. I was young, but all a child wants is to have a great relationship with their parents... And when my best friend and role model left, so did my urge to exist. 

Here in the past three years, it's been more of a thought. It's like a darkness that has crept into my bloodstream. Once the thought becomes an overwhelming desire, there's not much else you can think about. It's a sickness as most people say. But I'm not sick. I wasn't ever sick. The day I made that decision, maybe I was sick. But never did I consider myself to have some sort of sickness. 

People undermine it you know. People think it's all fun and games or someone is just out seeking for attention. Maybe some.  But I never wanted anyone to know. Because if they knew, they would try to stop me.  As I see it, if you really have that "sickness", the last thing you want is someone to know.  Those times that the thoughts and urges come across you when you're laying down for rest, or when you're driving down the road and watch the gravel on the highway pass you by, or the times you go out in public and watch people live their lives wondering if they ever feel that darkness within their bones..those are the times I never wanted anyone to know.  No matter if I wanted to reach out, those who have felt those urges tend to think they have all the answers for a battle you feel like you can't fight. And those who haven't, end up judging or down playing your inner battles. 

So if I never wanted anyone to know, why do I now? Well, I don't think about it everyday.  The past year of my life it crept up the worst it ever has. The thoughts went to preparation. The thoughts went to plans and backup plans on how I could go about it.  I never wanted someone to come across my dead body lying in a bloody pool on the floor. I never wanted a loved one to walk in and see me hanging lifeless from the ceiling of a place I called home.  I always saw myself walking out into the woods of a random town and using a 357 magnum to the head.  That's what the darkness kept showing me.  Then the gun was taken away from the house, as my darkness started to creep out into the light.  I then was going to get a ladder, rope, and go out into the woods with obvious intentions of hanging myself. I wanted to go missing.  That was the plan.  Then for some reason, the darkness didn't want to disappear. It wanted to make me suffer. Not cut the cord to the pain, just amplify the dosage. 

That's when I became what you stereotypical  folks like to call Emo. When the urge came to see my own blood and feel some dreadful pain, I had nothing to use. So I took apart a razor blade and started dragging it across my upper arm. Never did I want to die. Never did I want anyone to find out.  This is why I never cut my wrists. This is why it was in an easily hidden spot.  When I felt the relief... Which wasn't necessarily a relief in good feeling, but a relief that I finally was getting what I deserved... I couldn't stop. Every day I had to do it, or the next day it was worse. Eventually, I talked to someone. It took that. Someone found out and helped me. 

Have I stopped forever? Is the darkness gone? Am I no longer sick? No.  So what is the point of this post? 

Well, in the past five months, what used to happen every day, has happened only twice. My thoughts have not gone away, but I fight it. I fight it because no matter what I've done, I can make up for it in other ways than what I was.  My point is, in all my time of not wanting someone to know, I'm glad that they found out. Who knows where I'd be. How much worse it could have gotten. From the person who got rid of the gun, or the person who talked to me about becoming a better person and making a future that's about making up for the past.. They stopped something that could have been a lot worse. 

The suicide jokes, the name calling of self harmers, the under estimating how "sick" someone really is... Reach out. Whether you care about this person personally, someone does, and it's not a joke, it's not a game, and whatever we as a human race and society can do to prevent someone taking their life, we should. We should extend our arms for and with what's in our reach. Because if that gun was never taken away or that talk was never had with me... I truthfully don't know if I would have ever seen the light again. 

Yours truly, 

Amanda Rae

Let me make it clear.

         In the last month, I have been called a runaway far more often than necessary.  Fuck that. Pardon my adolescent use of language. I am not a runaway! I have been surrounded by the wrong people far too often and I know when it's my time to back out of a lost battle. I do not run away.  I make myself happy.  Do not depend on anyone for your happiness... Do NOT depend on anyone for your happiness!

         I've turned my back on a plethora of people. I have used my strength to take the steps I need in order to keep myself happy. That's what we should all do.  There is only so much you can take from someone until you find that breaking point. I "ran away" from boyfriends, friends, my non-immediate family, my child, and my father. The only exception for taking the quotations away from "run away" is my child. I made a mistake. Gave up because of the influence of the father and those around me. I ran away. As for the rest, I made the right choice... no matter what people may like to subject their opinions to. 

         It's never easy to walk away from someone you care for intensely.  Whether they have repetitively hurt you or not. From the obvious exception, my child is the hardest yet. I can't take it back as much as continuously hate myself for it.. but my father has been the hardest one to build up the courage to turn away from.  I made my decision a month ago to no longer accept my father into my life. For my family, for all of the people who have concluded I'm a run away, and for all of the people who want a piece of my story... this is why I have taken the last straw and have "run away" from my very own father.


[Dear (wish you could be forgotten) Father,
         I remember it all to clearly... Building that bird house together and feeling so accomplished as we put it on the post together. The tools you got me for Christmas, wearing that little tool belt around my tiny waist trying to be just like you.  The trucking drives we took along all the eastern states.  The way your eyes lit up when I collected the trucking cards and jotted our times down just as you had to. The night you took me to the Monster Jam and created these plans to build me a go-kart so I could start racing. The way our bond seemed too strong to be broken. [And then my parents got divorced.]  I remember calling you for days. I remember running away and coming to your house.  I remember not hearing from you for months. I remember all the terrible things you said about my mother. I remember being broken. I remember seeing our bond be broken.


         It's been nine years since we were that close. Seven since you completely drifted away.  You like to play this roller coaster game. Running in and out of my life like you were trying to show me disappearing tricks from a magic show.  You so easily point out my faults to those close to you. You so easily like to share stories of why we stopped talking.  You so damn easily seem to forget exactly how this story goes.  Every email I've ever sent to you is saved.  Every plead I've made to make this work is engraved in my mind. I always made the effort. I don't want your money. I don't want any gifts. I want my father.  April we talked about all of this. I spelt it out for you.  Explained that I couldn't take you playing those cynical magic tricks anymore. That all I wanted was for you and I to have a relationship.  For you to want to know about my life and the things I go through. That's it. I'm not asking for much. I'm asking you to be the dad I remember from nine years ago or at least a dad that cares about his daughter. And I explained that this was the last chance, no more giving in to your games. No more explaining it for you. I can't explain anything else to you.  It shouldn't need an explanation. ]

         As it always did, those first several weeks after our talk, everything seemed to be going great. I thought once again, this time it's going to work. He really understands. Everytime I thought something had changed.  Something was different this time around and he wouldn't dare let us lose our bond.  Nothing was different. [Dad, you always did this. Pull me so close to you. Using my weakness to have you against me.  You didn't call me. You never took five minutes out of your unemployed life to call your daughter. And then we finally talked on the phone. I told you I wanted and needed you to call me more often. That it was your turn to show me that you want me in your life. You told me you understood. You told me you'd try harder.] That conversation was mid-May.

         June ninth is my birthday.  Travis, my long lost brother found about eight months ago, called me. People I don't talk to weekly called me, wrote me, emailed me.  Some way, some how, they found a way to tell me happy birthday. June 14th I receive this text message, "Dad: Ops, didn't even think about it. Happy Birthday. My bad."  What the hell?! No, what the FUCK?! I had no response, because that was the last straw. I had enough of letting him do this to me. Next day, June 15th, "Dad: Guess that wasn't enough. I didn't even think about it being your birthday. Sorry."  No! That doesn't work! You don't need to write your child's birthday on a calender because it should be engraved in your mind. And even if something came up and you forgot about it, what the hell kind of apology is that?

         This will always be a sore spot on my life. It's always going to set me back in life. But for everyone who has judged me and labeled me as a run away... This is why I do what I do. I do not and will not let someone walk all over me. If it causes me to cry, it's usually not worth my time. I can't continuously let him break me because he is my father. I've given him nine years of that. He has had his chance to prove to me he wants me, and he doesn't. So no more. No more phone calls. No more emails. No more having the chance to watch me get married. No chance of receiving any knowledge of whenever I become pregnant. He will no longer be involved in my life.

         This goes to anyone. Any friend, any family member, any boyfriend, anyone! If you walk all over me and play this flip flop game of caring, I will not tolerate it. I will eventually get tired and turn away not letting you back in. This post is not only to show to people that there is always a time and place for you to "run away" or give up on trying to get someone to show you that they care. But it's also a post for all of those that have called me a run away and questioned why my father and I are no longer acquainted. We all need to stand up for ourselves and make difficult choices in life to guarantee our happiness. Do not depend on anyone for your happiness... Do NOT depend on anyone for your happiness.

Yours truly,
Amanda RAE

I'm even becoming proud

Well for those of you that kept up with this blog, I will say now... I'm very sorry about the time lapse in me not writing. I didn't have a computer for quite a while. But, I am back!

        About six months ago, I swallowed up all of my fears and got into a relationship and learned oh so much on my journey to falling in love. The lessons I've learned about myself and life in itself are far beyond just beneficial. First of all, I learned to take chances.  Being scared to give your heart away just makes you unhappy. If you hold your heart close due to being happier that way, then I don't believe you're losing anything. But if it's your self fears holding you back, learn to let those go. Every one is going to get hurt by love or something at least once. Nothing works out the way we have it drawn out in our heads. We all have our twisted stories that make us stand up straight in the end. My relationship obviously didn't go as planned, and we have now broken up.

        Do I regret the relationship? Do I regret moving across country to be with him? Do I regret leaving things behind because of him?  Never a day in my life.  We may not be right for each other, or it just may not be the right time. But whatever the case is, opening my heart up was so relieving.  It was a feeling of self accomplishment that I can do this. I can love someone back and embrace a relationship.  Embrace the feelings of butterflies when you kiss each other after a long day at work.  Embrace that feeling when you look at your significant other in the distance and think, "That person is really all mine." Embrace the way your body almost aches with the feelings you get from being in love. But two very important life lessons I've learned are, you must almost forget about what you want in order to remember what you need and never, NEVER, let yourself start to sacrifice your happiness for someone else's happiness.

        Giving up things for someone all comes with being in a relationship. It's called sacrificing for the one that you love. But when you start to give up your happiness, you've given too much.  I almost believed in this most recent relationship, that because I found love, that I should never let it go. That I may never find that chance again. But then I thought about my life and everything I've overcome here in the past few years. I risked being hurt by my biggest fear, love. I did it and I got hurt. Most importantly, I went through with it and I know one day I'll be able to do it again when the time is right. So I wasn't giving up when I decided it was my time to leave. I was doing what was best for myself.  Because that's what life is all about right? Self improvement. We are constantly changing ourselves and our surroundings to make us better people or make us happier with our situation.

        Changes are great. Taking chances are even better. I will continue to hold a tight grasp on to my heart.  But I have learned that letting it go to someone can be such an amazing experience, whether they deserve it in the future or not.  Knowing that you have the strength and are brave enough to put yourself out there, get hurt, and then pick yourself back up is a feeling romantic love can't even amount to.  Self love is more powerful than any love in my opinion.  So my advice, love yourself and love yourself enough to take a chance in loving someone else.

                                                Yours truly,
                                               Amanda Rae

And my life turns around again.

             It's been a hot minute since I last wrote. A lot has happened. I'm taking my steps into a different world. I truly don't even know how to begin to write this post or what my focale point really even is. Because for the first time, my emotions are flying left and right. I don't have any control of these thoughts fluttering through my mind.  Amanda Rae is in a relationship.

             I'm aware this post will probably cross my boyfriend's eyes one day, but for now... I know for a fact he has never read this blog. He may not even know it exists. But this post is far from being intended for him.  My relationship, is far from perfect. We don't live in the same state. We live seven hundred miles apart. No, I'm not dating an online stalker. I know him, and know him very well. Long story short, we met when I lived in South Carolina. I moved away and now I am moving back because of him. Eighteen days until we no longer have a long distance relationship. But this post isn't for me to explain my relationship, but what this relationship has done to me.

             If you've read previous posts, you know I'm very against relationships. Half of the posts were me fighting against them and trying to prove to people you don't need them. I still stand on that. I still stand tall and will say to anyone in this world that I do not need a relationship nor a man's love to make me happy. I have however changed the way I saw and viewed relationships.  My relationship  was never expected. A dear friend of mine told me a life motto that influenced me take these steps into commiting myself to someone. "A broken heart never mends, but a fool never moves on."  I wasn't holding on to my ex-boyfriend. I wasn't holding on to what him and I had. I was, however, holding on to all the things he did to me. I was holding on to all of his lies. I was holding on to the cold hard way he proved me right in my dis-belief in stable relationships. The dis-belief I had since my parents got divorced.

             We are people that hold on to our past, fear for our futures, and find ways to cope with the present.  Stop being afraid. Stop just simply coping with what's going in your life. And let the hell go of what happened in your past.  The problem is, too many people will find one thing against what they wanted in life and then they ruin what had already exceeded their expectations without ever even seeing it.  Another saying I came across here recently. "I believe that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to be loved, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have." Nobody sees the world like you do, because life should be about finding the beauty in the ugly world we live in. But we see the ugly far before we see the beauty and it seems like we're almost searching for it.  We become more interested with failure than we do success. We live in a world full of twisted ways, cynical people, and unattainable perceptions.

             The point in which you change your life and get into a relationship will never be what you intended for it to be. The image we've all created of what person we will fall will never be the one we truly fall for.  You can't search for it. You can't give up on it either.  My boyfriend and I may not spend the rest of our lives together. Anything can happen and jeopordize what amazing thing we have going, but I'll never regret a moment I let go of my fears and took the chance. I can be alone, but I can also see the beauty in what being with someone else can bring me. So goodbye to my lonesome bitter path and hello to the beginning of a path down yet another journey. As I take each step further into this relationship, I will check for potholes and I will check for puddles, but I will not hesitate to take another step.

                                       Yours truly,
                                      Amanda Rae

           

You Matter to Me

           Sometimes we all don't show how much we really appreciate the ones that deserve it the most.  Very rare do family members thank each other for everything they have done or do friends thank each other for always being there. I got thinking about the ones that truly matter to me and have impacted my life... and well, this is my way of showing how much you all truly do mean to me.

Mom,

           Where do I even begin?  You are the core of my inspiration. You are my drive to be independent.  You are my rock.  Not many people get to say their mother isn't just a mom, but a best friend. I can always confide in you and know you'll be there for me.  When you and dad got divorced, my views on life changed. Everyone will always leave... But I never put you in that equation mom. I knew you would never leave me.  For all the times I would be such a pain in the ass, you still loved me. You still did everything in your power to make me happy. For all the times I got in serious trouble and had to come home and tell you what I had done, you never judged me. You gave me my space and let me grow as an individual. All my weird views on life, my strange habits, and goofy acts... you embraced them all.  You always loved who I was and made me proud of every accomplishment I've have ever made.  The confidence I hold for myself is because of you. You taught me to love myself and never be anything but true to the person I am.  For me to never truly believe in love, I surely love you more than anything. I know I'm no longer living with you. I know you worry and wonder about where I'm going in life. Just know this, no matter where I go or what I do, I will always think about you with every step I take. I will always be your baby girl.

Katria-my sister,

           When we were younger, we didn't get always along. I was the brat and you were the sister who tried to always tried steer me on the right path.  As stubborn as I was, of course I didn't listen. It caused us to drift.  Now, you are my other half.  I couldn't ever imagine us not talking again.  Through out every rocky road I encounter, you're always there trying to help me get back up on my feet. You support me and defend me with everything I go through.  I'm now living with you and I can't think of many days that we haven't sat here and just laughed and had a good time.  We create a new inside basically every other day.  Every day we spend together is a good day.  I want to thank you for taking me under your wing and letting me come live you.  You have quickly become the closest person in my life.  You, mom, and I have all become so close to each other and I couldn't be more happy with the family I have. I truly love you more than I think I ever have.

Jason-my brother,

(brother-in-law, but nothing less than a true brother)

           Honestly, we used to despise each other. You hated me and I hated you.  Now, as I have grown older I know that our problems were only created because you were trying to help me improve as a person, I've come to love you more than I thought possible. You wanted me to embrace the better in myself and be the person you knew I could be.  Throughout the six years we have known each other, you have become the most important man in my life.  With you around, I know nobody is going to have the opportunity to hurt me and get away with it.  You are someone I look up to more than you probably even know.  Not only because you commit yourself to serving proud in the military, but because of everything you stand for and everything you've taught me.  For the future, I hope two things happen. One, I hope to someday have the knowledge for the military and football as you have. Two, I hope that one day I make the choice to get married and give you the honor of walking me down the isle.. showing to all the people in my life who my real protector is.

Heather Noles,

           You have showed me that true friends do exist. That not everyone stabs a knife in your back. Sure, we have had our ups and downs. But we never truly did anything so drastic to each other to sacrifice our bond as friends. You're the friend that listens and gives the advice that I need to hear, not what I want to hear. You don't sugar coat anything and that's what I've come to love so much about you.  You're real, something very hard to find in anyone.  I don't put on an act in front of you. I can be myself, you can be yourself, and together we are two of the biggest dorks I've ever known.  Throughout mistakes I have made in life, you never once judged me or thought less of me for what I've done.  We both know I've done a lot of stupid things, but you still stood by my side. I just want you to know that no matter where I go in life, I'll always be able to say, "I've got a best friend that lives in Florida and distance doesn't mean a thing!"

Sara Wilson,

           Sara, you saved me when I moved to South Carolina. You were the only true friend I had while I was living there. We knew each other for only a year, but I always felt like I had known you my whole life. In the time we spent together, we opened up to each other and shared all of our stories of what we encountered in life.  I know all your hardships and you know all of mine. I think that is what brought us together... we could understand each other.  I want to thank you for being the friend I truly needed while I was there.  Instead of going out drinking and getting myself in trouble, you and I just spent time together and created a bond that I will never have with anyone else. Sure, I've got another best friend... but you and I shared so many things in common and connected on a different level. I want to thank you for accepting who I am and for teaching me that someone new can become someone you trust.

John Ward,

           Another one that I have no clue where to begin.  You are my life long friend. You are the friend that I know I will never truly lose.  We have been friends for thirteen years and there hasn't been a day that I didn't think you wouldn't be there for me.  We both grew up and got into different crowds, but when we needed each other, we were there. Of course, I always needed you more than you needed me.  Such as all the times I had to move, you were there in an instant with your truck ready to work.  I still can't explain how much I respect and appreciate you for that. But when you needed advice or someone to defend you back in the day, I was always there ready to beat down anyone I had to.  We created a brother and sister bond that will never go away. Sure, we are older and can no longer sleep in the same bed and it be acceptable, haha, but I'll always remember my hotwheeling, drawing, adventuring, best friend. 

Will Barnhust,

           Unofficial husband? Brother-from-another mother? Cowboy?  Too many jokes and too many good times to even begin to explain.  You were just a damn mooch, haha. Eating all my food, wearing my clothes, and taking up my bed. No, you were a great friend. I remember any time a guy messed with me, you were there to make sure I was okay.  You watched out for me throughout every party or adventure we went on.  I will never forget all the days we would just sit in the garage and you would play your guitar as I just sat in awe of how amazing you were.  You were never really open with feelings and emotions, which is why when you wrote me a song... I couldn't believe it. So thank you Will for all the good times and being a genuine friend.  I know years down the road when we write or see each other, that bond we have always had will always be there. 

-For anyone that knows William Barnhurst (click to view his facebook), here is a song that he wrote and sang for me. The recording isn't top quality, but it's meaningful and you can't tell me his little British voice isn't adorable.  For anyone that wants to hear more from Will, go to his facebook and encourage him to write more songs.

           I hope you all know how much you mean to me.  As it may seem at times that we aren't as close or how much I really appreciate you is not surreal, always know that we may drift, we made fall apart... but y'all will remain a part of who I was, who I am, and who I will become.

                                        Yours truly,

                                      Amanda Rae

What justifies being alone?

          This is the point at which I throw my hands up in the air and surrender. Surrender to all the labels and finger-pointing at me. "You're stupid." "You can't possibly do that." "Don't think like that, it's not right."  Screw you all. Stupid? Maybe. I can't do it? Just watch me. It's not right to think as I do? I say, it's every bit of right. Right for the kind of person I am. 

          This blog seems more involved with my fight against society's norm than anything else. It seems as if every other post is a rant about my concerns lying with the mandatory action of falling in love. I understand all of your points. Being in love is probably a happiness that leaves a man and woman at a lost for words. Being in love makes you feel like you need nothing else. I thought I was there once. I believed for quite some time that my love was stronger than anyone I knew.  On the other hand, being in love with who you think someone is... is not being in love at all.  Throughout it all, I've had one serious relationship and that very relationship fell to pieces of deceit and lies. That's not love. That's being stubborn and choosing to put the bad behind closed doors. I have had more than that one opportunity to experience what the world craves, but let's face it... that other opportunity fell apart as well.

          So, my parents got divorced and I chose at the age of twelve to refuse all actions of falling for someone. To open up and expose all my weaknesses to someone. I didn't want to put myself out there to get hurt. Well, four years later I met a guy and... I exposed myself. I figured maybe he can prove me wrong. Two years after that road, I tried with another guy. As the story went on, my blueprints of building a life without love quickly became more sturdy.  All they did was prove me right. They did NOT create this image of non-belief of loving forever! This image was there before they all came into my life and this image will stand with out them as well. This image is what makes me alone.

          APPARENTLY, never wanting a relationship means you will be alone for the rest of your life.  What about the friends? What about my family?  Hell, what about my dog? They aren't going anywhere. My family damn sure isn't leaving me and my dog doesn't have a choice. My friends have stayed by my side throughout being single. What makes anyone think I'm going to be alone?  I'm just confused by the whole concept honestly. 

          This is all coming from recent fights I've been holding with... let's call them "believers".  Not a great word, but they believe in the whole picture perfect, loving forever world and I do not. Recently I did try to test the waters and give it a shot. It didn't work out. More than not working out, it pushed my beliefs even deeper. I didn't try it with just anyone and it didn't try it with just a skip and a hop. It took a long time for me to want to give it a shot, but eventually I got just shot down anyways. It's life, it doesn't always work out as planned. You move on and carry on. But now I'm back to thinking they way I feel most comfortable with. Everyone knew how I thought before, but now it's a crime. Oh hell no, Amanda can NOT want to live without a relationship. Amanda can not be alone...

          I'm going to say it, and I'll repeat it as often as I need to.  Living without a significant other is not being alone! It's not some horrible life. If you can adapt to making yourself happy and depending on only yourself, it's not a sad life. It's quite a comfortable self-induced happy life.  I am JUST as happy as anyone in love. I just know that I will never break my own heart, leave/cheat on myself, or fill my head with lies to make myself happy. Not reasonable, huh? Yeah, either is fighting with me to make me think the same as 95% of society. If you want to be in love, go find someone to love you. If you want to love someone forever, give it a shot. If you want to live "alone". Shit, more power to you. Just know that you're going to recieve grief and pity for being stronger than the rest that can't resist the power of love.

                              Yours truly,
                            Amanda Rae

The Changes in People

         I think we all run across the question, "Can people really change?"  That question is asked far more than, "Can I really change?" I feel as if people expect others to change rather change than themselves. What happens when you are faced with not wanting someone or something to change?  In my belief, people can change.  People always DO change, life always changes.  Now, nobody said it was a change for the worse. But overtime, people will change. It's inevitable.

 

          For the younger generation, changes are always occurring. Those are the years that you are experiencing what life is all about. It's the time that you meet new people, lose the "life long" friends, and grow as a person.  Growing IS a part of change by the way, for the ones that don't believe in change but believe in growth in a person. It may not be a change that most people see, but if you change something you do, or don't do, you have changed.  As you grow older and have become set in your ways, I do not believe it's impossible to change, but it becomes more of a challenge to obtain a change.  But as I said, change isn't always for the worse.  Something can happen in someone's life that can change them for the better.     

               The downfall I find in today's society, is expecting something or someone to never change... expecting something to last forever.  The future ISN'T guaranteed. No matter what promises or words are said relying on what is to come.  Over time, something will change.  Then comes the question, can you handle that change?  If you rely on something to be forever, you might as well live your life on the edge and just wait to hit that bottom.  Nothing is forever. (Dictionary.com  Forever-without ever ending)  What never ends? Friends? Happiness? Life? Love? The unfortunate thing about life is, everything ends... making forever another one of those words that are unattainable to procure. Someone prove me wrong. Find me infinity. Show me that someone's love never changed. Find me the friends that made it forever.  Did one die before the other, leaving one without a friend?  Let me meet one person that had a happiness that was never broken with tears. Prove to me that a change has never occurred somewhere in life.
           
             I find myself living by a quote that I wrote a couple years ago, "Life isn't easy, but once you realize that there is never a forever, life will be easier. Just never easy."  I think that's the hard thing about life.  It is always changing and it becomes hard for people to keep up with.  With the future being a mystery, we never know where our path in life will take us. If you're not ready for something to end, simply don't begin what you don't want to end.  Now we obviously don't have that option with life, because we are all brought into this world with the knowledge that we will one day no longer be. But you're going to lose friends, fall out of love, and eventually die. That's how life goes. Change is unstoppable and sometimes it's impossible. Find out who you are and embrace the changes for the better and refuse the opportunities to change for the worse. But never, never expect someone else to never change.  Time and life experiences will cause changes in people that may not even realize that they have changed. Be who you are and live life depending on who you are, not on who someone else is or who they will be with you.

                        Yours truly,
                      Amanda Rae

        For a little over a month I have been writing in a notebook. It's not so much the writing as you would expect, more like jotting down the emotions I don't usually tend to.  It was writing all the random thoughts I questioned or all the emotions I constantly deceive.  This is a notebook for only yours truly, and nobody else. The purpose of this notebook is not to show other's how I feel, but to organize and prioritize my emotions. Well, I ended up writing a page that has stuck with me.. The date of writing this page was 09/28/2011. I'm writing this blog a little late, but you see, I have gone back to my hometown for a visit and now I'm finding the time and words to write this blog.  I'm choosing to show my readers one of my pages, word for word, out of my notebook.  I'll write what I have and then follow up with some insight.  Big step, so enjoy.

Taking Risks;
        Short term risks, we make every day.
        Long terms risks are what I question,
        Life isn't mapped out, so we must make our own fate, or what I call path. Each road we take changes the course or direction of our path. So when you face a decision that will affect you long term, do you risk it? Or do you avoid it and keep walking the path you know?  When is taking a risk worth it? Will you know?
        Life is a guessing game.  So is the beauty of life taking risks and seeing where it takes you?
        How many risks should you take?  Should there be a limit?  What if you've taken the same risk before? Can it take you on a separate path?  Or does the same risk always end the same way, leading to the same path?
        Life can lead you to a comfort zone with no risks.
        Can life bring me all the same joys with no risks?  Or is that not really living?  Does living with out risks lead to a hidden unhappiness?
        Or should I just be asking, is experiencing love really a risk?

        So what is my question really?  There are too many to find just one I'm asking.  Risks, they are everywhere. We all make bad decisions time to time, but learning from mistakes is what makes the difference. Learning from a bad decision can actually lead you to a better path in my opinion.  Thing is, what happens when you find that comfort zone?  The place at which you are happy because nothing can actually affect your path.  You're not relying on anyone or anything to bring you happiness or facing any major life changes.  When you've reached that place and run across a decision, do you risk it?  Should you really risk your happiness when you are already happy?  Why do we constantly try to improve our state of emotions?  I see too many people taking too many risks and their life becomes a roller coaster of emotions.  I'd rather have the neutral zone where my happiness stays at an even pace.
        Now, what if that risk is a chance at experiencing love? Is that the kind of risk you should take?  Well, there lies the questions of what kind of person are you trying to love, or what kind of person are you, in order to love.  What if you've been in that risk before?  People say it can be different.  They say that each relationship is different or the person you fell for was wrong.  Well, what if I'm the wrong one?  Then is risking your happiness for love worth it?  I don't think so. 

        We all learn from our mistakes or our mistaken paths we've traveled.  We are all different, but if you find yourself finding the same weary path over and over again, stop taking that risk.  Stop making the same decisions.  Make a change, for what you're feeling can only be felt by you.  Nobody truly cares about how you feel.  That's a mistake you should never make.

                        Yours truly,
                       Amanda Rae

A day that I can't take back...

          I've come to a point of emptiness.  This will be my first blog I write that I won't overlook my words. I won't backspace any emotions I express uncontrollably.  This is going to be the blog that will cause the biggest self challenge to get through writing.  I've started to notice a change in who I am.  Some of you that talk to me on a daily basis may not have experienced or even noticed this change, but I see it in the way I think, the way I talk, and the way I've been second guessing everything in life.

          I'm not exactly sure why I've decided to write about this and share it for all the one's whom are choosing to read this.  I am fully aware that I'm going to be judged.  Whether it be out loud and blunt or judged silently. In a month from now, September 25th, I should be celebrating my child's first birthday.  I should be frantically rushing into decisions on how to decorate the cake, what outfit he or she should wear, or what the theme for my baby's first birthday will be.  Instead, I sit here with no child.  I sit here with a empty feeling full of regret and hatred for myself.  If anyone decides on viewing me with disgust from this point forward... just let it be known, I look in the mirror some days and damn near want to cover it with a black sheet so I don't even have to face myself.  I had an abortion.

         A year and a half ago, I was a sixteen year old girl with a twenty one year old boyfriend.  Or so I thought.  He was my first boyfriend and yet, he was the furthest thing from who I thought he was.  One drunken night was all it took.  I was pregnant.  I'll never forget the day I took the tests.  My mother wasn't home at the time and my boyfriend brought over two pregnancy tests.  I took the first one and we watched that test like hawks as the second line slowly became visible.  Not knowing if a faint second line clarified as being pregnant, I took the second. Yeah, I was definitely pregnant.  Before in talking about me being pregnant, my boyfriend had told me that if I was, I should get an abortion.  I agreed until that very moment the scare became a reality.  To make matters even more confusing, my boyfriend smiled with joy as I dropped to the floor with my head tucked between my knees. His words..."Baby, we're pregnant."  Not "you're" pregnant, "WE'RE" pregnant. In that moment, with the tears running down my face, I knew that in nine months I would be having a child.

          I was pregnant for two and a half months, or as the doctor told me...10 weeks. In that time, I figured out what the child's name was going to be whether it be a boy or a girl.  Boy: Jet Ryan  Girl: Kalen Rae  Now: "My blue eyed angel".  To save everyone from a long story in explaining myself, my boyfriend clearly lost himself.  The man I knew to be protective and the most endearing person, quickly became the most cynical and vindictive man.  Lies and secrets were quickly arising in our relationship and I sure as hell didn't know how to deal with them.  He said things to me that I had never heard from someone that actually was trying to hurt my feelings.  I grew up with parents that spent most of their time fighting.  I grew up without a father for many years of my life and as I know I would have given my child everything in my will power, there was never a chance in this world I could live with giving my child the life I had.

          February 26th 2010, I went through went through with the abortion.  Today the man that was supposed to be the father of my child is far from a part of my life.  You see, we tried multiple times after to be the couple we invisioned.  Three months ago he finally admitted to lying about basically everything he has told me in life.  For a long time he tried to cover his tracks and was very good at manipulating me.  I know now that if I would have gone through with my pregnancy, my innocent child would have been born with one of the worst men to become a father.  At the same time, I can't sit here and give excuses for why I went through with my abortion, but I can give you my reasons for why it seemed like the smartest decision after weeks of thinking.

          Today is a new day.  If I could be the person I am today and go back with the ability to have my child, I wouldn't waste a second going back.  Today I would be a good mother.  Today I would choose to live with nothing else in this world except for that child.  I can't take back what I have already done.  I'm one who doesn't ever want to regret a moment in life, for my past decisions have made me the strong, good-hearted person I am today.  Yet, I do regret having my abortion.  Whether you knew my story and know it was a smart decision or whether you don't know me and already choose to look down on me... know this, I've never felt so much hatred for myself and for what I've done.  For the first time I can admit that I am weak.  I'm not okay and I'm not sure if there will ever come a time that this will ever be okay with me.  I have hit a point in life to where I'm not exactly sure where I go emotionally from here.  Much is changing around me but I still pause to sit here and close my eyes to see a beautiful child running and playing.  I have feelings of guilt, regret, pain, disgust, hatred, sadness, and anger all for one person...myself.

          For those of you who chose to have sex and not take precautions... don't think you are invincible for one second.  I never thought at sixteen I'd be pregnant.  The relationship that seemed picture perfect crashed and burned once reality caught up with us.  Every story is different.  Every life has a different outcome.  If I could just give anyone that reads this one word of advice to carry on, it would be... think about your actions.  Every action can be held accountable for in one way or another.  Don't let that one moment of pleasure lead to a life full of sorrow.  Don't be me.  Please, just don't be me. 

                    Yours truly,
                   Amanda Rae

To be a Dad, to be a Father

         People are too consumed with things in life that can but shouldn't be measured.  Life isn't about measurements or something one has over another person.  Every sunrise can't be seen, every snow fall can't be caught, not everyone falls in love, and not everyone dies happy.  You know, I've never thought I'd feel so secure about being so alone.  Society clearly has made it a mandatory action to get married and have babies.  Thing is, some people in this world weren't made for that.

        Sometimes a child is brought into this world with only half of what it truly needs. One parent always seems to be missing.  I've always had a mother in my life... a woman who stayed by my side through everything I did. A woman who loved me with an unmeasurable amount of love.  A woman that could easily surpass all other mothers in my eyes. Although my mother was clearly an amazing part of my life...I missed having a dad in a lot of my growing up stages.  I was born with a dad who then turned into father. If you come from a broken home, you more than understand the difference between the two.

        To be a father is to have a child.  To be a dad, is to be the strong, loving person for a child to always depend on.  Dads are supposed to be that tough figure that pisses you off but does it because he never wants to see his child get hurt.  Coming from a broken home, you tend to get used to people coming and going in your life.  Yet, you seem to never get used to not having a dad.  I was born with a dad that did nothing but care for his girls.  We were the only things that mattered to him... my sister and I that is.  Once we grew older and developed a mind of our own, his attachment to us seemed to drift...drift far far away!  My father became a very mean person, for the alcohol took control of the man we all knew he could be. 

       As of Christmas 2010, my father became a dad again after missing him for years. Still... It's not exactly what I always expected having a dad at the age of eighteen would be like.  When I think of a dad who has a young adult as a daughter, I think of a very protective figure.  A man that wouldn't let any boy near his child without the typical grilling. A man that always gets real defensive when his daughter talks about the older guys she hangs out with. My dad?  His words exactly after introducing him to a guy..."wrap it up."  Not exactly what I wanted my dad to say.  I want my dad to basically scare a guy so bad that he wouldn't think twice about harming me... but at the same time, how can my dad of all people try a preach to a choir about all the things he has never been. 

       I believe some people weren't made to have children.  Some men aren't capable of caring for a child's needs.  Some women don't know how to love a child as it needs to be loved.  Face it, some people were just made shitty.  So for all the criticism about how we were all made to find our "one" person, fall in love, and make babies... please knock it off.  This is a different time in age, meaning we have all figured out more about the human race.  Differences lie within each one of us, whether they are for the worse or for the better.  Life is what you make of it.  If you decide to make babies out of it... make sure you're the right type of parent before you ruin your child's vision of life.
        
                           Yours truly,
                         Amanda Rae