Monday, November 30, 2015

Compassion

       Today my therapist asked me how many people would write me down on their list of "good" people.  I answered with four names.  He asked me what made me good in their eyes in my opinion.   Ever asked a self-loather to list great deeds they have done or good qualities about themselves?  I found myself stumbling for words and following up every sentence with a nervous laugh and then a quick apology.  He kept asking me what I was sorry for, but I couldn't answer.  I didn't even know why I was apologizing, but I felt the need to every time I rambled on.  He knew and I have known, but it hasn't been as burdening of a feeling since here in the last few weeks.  He knew...we lack compassion.


        I have three dear people that are very close to my heart suffering with some things in their lives.  All three have apologized for times that I've tried to help.  I never made any sign of not wanting to do whatever it was that I was doing.  Whether it be getting groceries, talking to that person until three in the morning, or just listening to them vent about all these thoughts they were having.  I wouldn't have been anywhere else in the world but there to help that person I care for.  But they apologized. They felt bad for letting me help them.  In all three situations, I asked to help.  They never came to me, I came to them.  Even after I pleaded my case of love and asked them not apologize, they all responded with some sorry excuse for why they were apologizing.  I say sorry excuse, because I now know why they and we as a society apologize.  We lack compassion.

        Lets use some examples.  Think to yourself how you would truly respond to these two statements that might be said by someone close to you...
       "I've had a terrible day at work.  Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  I'm just so annoyed."
What's your response?
        Because if you turn the focus to you and start to describe everything that went wrong with your day.  You lack compassion.  You are part of the reason people apologize.  Maybe you say sorry and then tell them.... " Well at least you didn't have to deal with blah blah blah."  You are definitely the reason people apologize.  I'm not going to tell anyone what they should think, feel, or say.  But in order to really make someone feel like you care from your heart, then actually care.  Ask why their day was bad.  Ask what you could possibly do to help or what they would like to do to relax.  Treat them like their issue actually matters and try to instill postivity into them so they can look forward to tomorrow.   Now what if your day was actually just as bad?  What if that whole day you felt terribly sick and almost felt like quitting your job?  Do you tell them this in their moment of distress?  I say don't.  For two reasons.  If you strive to be a remarkable friend, family member, or lover you have to learn how to put that other person first at times when needed.  If you just starting venting about your day shortly after your companion has confessed their stress... who is the rock to lean on.  Who is leaning on who? Who is instilling the postivitiy and trying to create a way to make the day better?  Probably niether after you've both soaked in your sorrows. 
       What if someone tells you, "Man, my boyfriend is pissing me off.  He just is being so annoying today."  How do you respond?
        I've heard it too many times..."At least you have someone to care for you.  You'll be fine, don't worry about it."  What is so hard in changing that self absorbed nonchalent statement into something more meaningful such as... "I'm sorry you two have been fighting.  I know you both deeply care for each other. Maybe he has had a bad day.  I hope it gets better soon."  Maybe you ask what they are fighting about or give some advice for more complex situations.  But don't dilute someone's issues just because you don't feel like hearing it.  What if someone just didn't want to hear your issues and responded in some rude fashion that made you feel ridiculous.  That's why we apologize. We tend to listen to others issues to respond instead of actually listening and helping.  We lack compassion.

       Simple statements can make someone's day either one hundred times better or the complete opposite.  When somone struggles in your life that you care for, your job isn't to make that struggle about yourself and feeling sorry that someone so close to you is going through this obstacle, your job is to make sure they struggle as less as possible.  Time, encouragement, and compassion.  Three simple things that make a significant difference in someone's life.  Stop lacking compassion.  Love all, be easy with your words, and be kind with your heart!

Yours truly,
Amanda Rae