Your Personal Theme Park

"It's not what you've lost, but it's what you find."
      Why do I think about you? Or you? Or you? Or you?  Why do I think about you in such a way I know this heart of mine can not with stand?  Three of you.  Three of you stepped all over me and I still hold my hand out and help you back into my life.  For what?  Do you need somewhere to lay your garbage?  Do you need someone around that you know you can still hurt?  Well, that person is no longer me. 

      My life has put me in some sticky situations.  Life is supposed to be a rollercoaster I believe.  You get into that seat, strap on the seat belt, take off... start to question whether this was a good idea, you adjust yourself and get comfortable, take the ride, your fearful or the adrenaline has taken over and you're enjoying it, and then you get off still shaken from the thrill of the ride itself.   That's life. Sometimes the ride sucks and other times the feeling we got was so intense we want to ride it again. We start new journeys and don't necessarily think about where we are going until we get there.  We sometimes think it was a wasted journey and other times we're glad we took that route.  You just have to figure out what rides are worth it after you've ridden most of them in that theme park.  Well, there are some roller coasters I'm not riding anymore.  The really big ones that had that big drop in the end and I kind of peed my pants a little.  The ones where that big turn made my head hit the seat and I had a headache for the rest of the day.  The one where it gave me motion sickness and ruined my entire day.  I will not put myself back into those life situations where I now know where I end up in the end.

      I've struggled with getting over my father here for the past ten years.  I've made my efforts in achieving a decent relationship.  I've decided time and time again that I was done trying and that always relentlessly leads me back to feeling guilty for giving up.  No matter how nasty he has been to me or anything he has ever put me through, I always give him the upper hand by caving into the thought of things possibly working out.  I have put myself down about my first ex boyfriend who lied about literally everything you can physically lie about.  I felt dumb for allowing myself to believe him and even more dumb for allowing myself to be irresponsible enough to wind up pregnant with him.  How can someone as strong willed as I am go into such a weak state of falling for a man with such a low quality of humanity? I've struggled with my inner self thinking I'm not good enough for myself, let alone someone else.  I'm a Gemini.  Although, I'm not profound on believing everything that comes along with horoscopes, I do believe there are two of me. The person I am and the person that everyone else sees. I'm a very dark person although many see a colorful bubbly girl.  People actually believe that I'm egotistical and I find it hilarious.  My true thoughts, the ones I repeat over and over again in my head, are things nobody hears.  My father, my ex, and my inner self are all rollercoasters that I'm not riding anymore. 

      I'm a survivor of all my demons.  I've played the survivor role to those around me but to myself I kept seeing myself still as a victim.  I never allowed myself to get off those rides and not look back.  It's as if I was seeing those rollercoasters on the other side of the theme park and days I chose to walk away from them, and other days I'd run over to them because I missed that feeling.  The feeling that I might actually like this ride because it's been so long and I might have gotten over my old feelings for it.  Those rides always turn out the same and I'm done.  Done putting myself in the mindset to victimize myself and feel that pain creep through my mind.  My father will never be worth my breath.  My ex doesn't deserve the slightest thought through my mind.  And my inner self will learn how to sit the hell down and not take over my motivation and courage to continue on to my great life.

      When one door closes, another opens.  When we go through hardships in life, we find out more about ourselves.  Sometimes it leads you to find someone great in your life that can understand your battles.  Other times it shows a lot about your strength and what your heart can actually withstand.  We fight wars every day.  Every single one of us.  So many plans we have all made.  So many things change and get lost along the way.  You can either choose to put that roller coaster out of commission or you can ride it as frequently as you want even while knowing the potential damage it may cause.  Take some time to feel alright before its gone.  Nothing hard goes away quickly.  That's life.  With weakness comes strength. With strength comes better opportunity.  We are all beautiful people in our own little funky ways.  Dance in your theme park.  Ride those fun rides and throw your arms in the air.  Feel the wind hit your face and enjoy life.  But when you know that the ride isn't worth the sacrifice, take it out of your life.  Experience the great things and don't be fearful of the hard things.  We are all stronger than we believe we are.  I am stronger than I ever once thought I was.  I'm enjoying this new rollercoaster I'm on and I call it Self Love.  I don't think I'm getting off any time soon.

                                                                                       Yours truly,
                                                                                      Amanda Rae

Dancing in the Clouds

       It's been a while readers... a while being an understatement.  I'd be pretty surprised if I even still had readers.  My last post was in 2013. Seems to be that I have a lot updating to do.  I'm tired of telling my story though.  Another stranger who seems confused by all my endeavors and lifestyle. Another person I have to explain how I got to where I am.  Life is crazy.  It takes you in places you never thought you'd go.  Sometimes your high and other times you feel as if you checked into the basement of rock bottom.  I miss writing though.  For two important reasons that I wish I had never replaced with unnecessary choices.  One, I miss freeing my mind.  The way it feels to hit your fingers across a keyboard and let out all the pent up emotions you feel like people will never understand or even care for that matter.  Two,  being taken back by all the ones who use to message me privately thanking me and asking for advice... and just understanding.  So here I go again, this is where I am.

      When I was younger, I refused to fall in love.  I refused to open up and allow a man into my life.  I was young and naïve.  Fearful without knowing what I was actually scared about.  Somewhere along my life, I changed.  I grew up and I started to acknowledge relationships as something acceptable.  Something I wanted to be a part of.  I've dated.  I've fallen in love.  My spirit has danced in the clouds where all the people who are head over heals go and it has fallen back down to square one in the darkness.  You have to pick yourself and keep going.  The physical pain was easy.  The emotional pain was damaging.  But being alone was unbearable.  Until now.


        Every time I broke up with a boyfriend, I moved on very quickly.  Even though I didn't really believe in being in love and it lasting, I always ended up finding someone new.  I tried to convince myself that I wanted to be alone, but you can't shake the truth. You can't help what you feel.  I wish I was wiser in my choices with men. I hated being alone so immensely that I settled for the guys who didn't deserve my time. I probably wouldn't be as unforgivable as I am now to mistakes.  When love has not taken over and a guy messes up, I walk away.  Too quickly.  And I never look back.  When I love, I forgive too often and then I end up having to pull out my wonder woman strength card out and pick myself back up.  I'm over having to pick myself up. I'm over not being accepting of certain qualities because of what my past has put me through.  One extreme or the other.  There should be a point of meeting in the middle when it comes to forgiving or not forgiving.  It's about the rush of feelings at that time in your life.  This isn't about my past relationships though.  This is about trying to figure out what has changed within me.

      I was just with someone who I loved very deeply and thought I was going to marry.  We didn't just live in the moment, we planed life together.  He influenced me to change my bad qualities and shaped my personality into a well rounded, wholesome structure.  Though I knew I was changing, I didn't know how intense it really was until we broke up.  As I said, I typically move on very quickly.  I'm never truly alone, at least not for long.  I wanted it that way... to not be alone...back then.  Now, I'm happy to be alone.  I don't want him back.  I'm not sad that it didn't work out.  I'm not talking to anyone.  My life has been running in a series of stories like this.
      The rushing of heat across my face as that cute guy handed me his number and told me to come see him in a couple days fell flat on the floor when I could see the inner Amanda rolling her eyes at the denial of my intentions.  He was cute.  And I don't just mean, "yeah, he is a decent guy" kind of cute.  He seemed to be quite wholesome himself.  Pretty smile, confidence, and he clearly took care of his body.  But my intentions never pair up. I never was going to meet him.  I would have never kissed him, or exchanged life stories over some drinks, and definitely would have never allowed it to go anywhere.  The thought of kissing a guy right now makes me cringe.  The last person I kissed was my ex-boyfriend.   I mean when I say I don't miss him.  But my point in recognizing my last kiss is to show that the very last man to kiss my lips was someone whom loved me.  Someone I loved back and someone who left a chill down my spine after each kiss.  I don't want to scrub the regret off my lips after dude man that gave me his number kisses me in a hypothetical situation.  As I'm writing this, I'm laughing.  And this is meant in all seriousness. But if anyone reading this knew who the old Amanda was, this would almost seem like she has died and someone else took over her body.  Kissing a stranger used to not be an issue, but now kissing a potentially well-rounded man disgusts me.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

      I want meaningful kisses... kind of.  I don't want them soon and I don't want them with anyone I know at this point in my life. I don't have feelings for anyone other than myself.  I'm so content with being alone its fearful.  I was fearful once of a relationship and now I'm fearful that I'm too happy alone that I'll never get back out there again. Am I missing out?  Pretty smile guy could have been a good opportunity.  He could have been someone worth my while.  He probably and hopefully didn't even think of me in that view of light, but I'm talking about hypothetical here.  What if I'm so closed off due from my solitude happiness, that I may be missing things?  I don't fear getting hurt.  My strength is a force to be reckoned with.  Fear is not transpiring from a future breakup.  Its transpiring from not wanting to deal with anyone else in my life.  Nobody interests me.  Nobody makes my heart flutter.  I don't want anyone to touch me or fall for me.  I just want to be alone because I'm happy that way.  But I've never been happy that way, so I'm confused.  Where is this coming from?  Have I grown into a woman.   Or have I actually just learned how to love myself?  Have I really not loved myself until now... My emotions are confusing me because this is nothing I've ever felt with myself. I'm alone. Happily alone.  No denial.  No anger or hurt.  I'm dancing in the clouds that singles go to when they are at peace.


                                                                         Yours truly,
                                                                        Amanda Rae

        For a little over a month I have been writing in a notebook. It's not so much the writing as you would expect, more like jotting down the emotions I don't usually tend to.  It was writing all the random thoughts I questioned or all the emotions I constantly deceive.  This is a notebook for only yours truly, and nobody else. The purpose of this notebook is not to show other's how I feel, but to organize and prioritize my emotions. Well, I ended up writing a page that has stuck with me.. The date of writing this page was 09/28/2011. I'm writing this blog a little late, but you see, I have gone back to my hometown for a visit and now I'm finding the time and words to write this blog.  I'm choosing to show my readers one of my pages, word for word, out of my notebook.  I'll write what I have and then follow up with some insight.  Big step, so enjoy.

Taking Risks;
        Short term risks, we make every day.
        Long terms risks are what I question,
        Life isn't mapped out, so we must make our own fate, or what I call path. Each road we take changes the course or direction of our path. So when you face a decision that will affect you long term, do you risk it? Or do you avoid it and keep walking the path you know?  When is taking a risk worth it? Will you know?
        Life is a guessing game.  So is the beauty of life taking risks and seeing where it takes you?
        How many risks should you take?  Should there be a limit?  What if you've taken the same risk before? Can it take you on a separate path?  Or does the same risk always end the same way, leading to the same path?
        Life can lead you to a comfort zone with no risks.
        Can life bring me all the same joys with no risks?  Or is that not really living?  Does living with out risks lead to a hidden unhappiness?
        Or should I just be asking, is experiencing love really a risk?

        So what is my question really?  There are too many to find just one I'm asking.  Risks, they are everywhere. We all make bad decisions time to time, but learning from mistakes is what makes the difference. Learning from a bad decision can actually lead you to a better path in my opinion.  Thing is, what happens when you find that comfort zone?  The place at which you are happy because nothing can actually affect your path.  You're not relying on anyone or anything to bring you happiness or facing any major life changes.  When you've reached that place and run across a decision, do you risk it?  Should you really risk your happiness when you are already happy?  Why do we constantly try to improve our state of emotions?  I see too many people taking too many risks and their life becomes a roller coaster of emotions.  I'd rather have the neutral zone where my happiness stays at an even pace.
        Now, what if that risk is a chance at experiencing love? Is that the kind of risk you should take?  Well, there lies the questions of what kind of person are you trying to love, or what kind of person are you, in order to love.  What if you've been in that risk before?  People say it can be different.  They say that each relationship is different or the person you fell for was wrong.  Well, what if I'm the wrong one?  Then is risking your happiness for love worth it?  I don't think so. 

        We all learn from our mistakes or our mistaken paths we've traveled.  We are all different, but if you find yourself finding the same weary path over and over again, stop taking that risk.  Stop making the same decisions.  Make a change, for what you're feeling can only be felt by you.  Nobody truly cares about how you feel.  That's a mistake you should never make.

                        Yours truly,
                       Amanda Rae

Women Vs. Men,

         Alright Readers, get ready for this one... Today I decided to do a man versus woman experiment.  My goal was to see the first negative thing that came to mind when one thought about the other sex.  I gathered fifty responses today from both males and females. Followed by my feedback will be each and every response I was given. Now, for those who gave me feedback, I must say thank you.  I also must say, there is no true explanation on how the human mind works in certain sexes....we are all individuals working with a mind of our own.  If you disagree, you agree.  Just think about it.

         As I asked my simple question, "What bothers you about the other sex?", I got a lot of answers followed with some sort of story.  Well you see, you aren't really thinking about all of men or women, you are relating it to one person.  So can one person really affect how we view the entire opposite sex?  Take a moment to think about that... You may know one man or woman who has asked too many questions, taken everything too seriously, or simply was just a jaded person.  At the same time, we all know one man or woman who doesn't fit that category.

         This project was simply a stereotypical experiment.  To the three people who responded with, "Not all men/women are, but...",  I give my kudos to you.  You just beat the challenge.  You see, saying all men are immature and all women are whinny is incorrect.  I know we have all met a guy that just simply cries over the smallest things and a girl who makes a small situation into something bigger by just being childish.  My point of this questioning was to see how many stereotypical people there really were. Well, there are a lot. Three out of fifty people made it known that they did not feel this way about all of men or women.  Everyone else just gave me an answer and was completely satisfied by it.  They may or may not feel that way about the entire opposite sex, but they didn't seem to make any efforts to show anything differently.

         My point to you, my readers, is next time you are asked a question about a certain group of people...why relate it to one person? You don't believe you are like the rest of women or men, do you?  Then don't relate someone else that way.  We all go through our own life experiences that makes up view life and act upon things differently.  This is not because we are male or female, this is just the way our mind as an individual has grown to work.  Let's make a difference readers. 

                                        Yours truly,

                                       Amanda Rae

PS. Here are the responses I was given. The mens' responses will be in pink and the females' responses will be in blue.

1. "They can pee standing up"
2. "Boys can flirt and do things that girls can not do without being called a whore"
3. "Jealously"
4. "Genetics of how their minds work. Completely different from females. 
5. "How men just fart and burp in public"
6. "How complicated they are"
7. "How they never know what they want"
8. "They only want one thing, sex!"
9. "Hair"
10. "Girls whine a lot"
11. "They are just upfront about publicly burping, scratching, farting, or announcing they must take a s***"
12. "girls care too much about what boys say" 
13. "Girls always win arguments" 
14. "They don't care about the little things"
15. "Guys are too controlling"
16. "mood swings"
17. "Most women are stupid"
18. "They are controlling. Females just have a desire for control"
19. "They show off in front of other boys"
20. "Men judge on physical appearance"
21. "Horny little bastards"
22. "Girls can never be clear about what they want"
23. "girls ask too many irritating questions"
24. "they are needy in the sense, they need a man to feel complete"
25. "Guys are tough physically and emotionally and don't get hurt like females"
26. "They don't do things unless ask.  Men tend to work the long way to get things done"
27. "stubborn and dominant"
28. "Men are controlling"
29. "Guys are self absorbed and think they are entitled to things."  
30. "Men ask questions without taking emotions into consideration"
31. "Females take forever to shop and are picky about things that don't matter."
32. "drama"
33. "Easily distracted"
34. "Fall in love too quickly"
35. "Men don't have to go through what we go through. They are just B****es"
36. "Girls tease guys too much"
37. "Childish"
38. "Attitude"
39. "drama"...again
40. "Females never know what they want"
41. "They want things to go their way"
42. "Men always want sex"
43. "Needy. They always want something"
44. "Talk too much"
45. "Attitude"
46. "Men are liars, for unnecessary things"
47. "They are immature"
48. "Men have a hard time being able to openly communicate"
49. "Ask too many questions"

  And my response;

   50. The one negative thing that comes to mind when I think about men is...the society that makes up this world has made it almost impossible to feel normal and being accepted without being with one of y'all.