Your Personal Theme Park

"It's not what you've lost, but it's what you find."
      Why do I think about you? Or you? Or you? Or you?  Why do I think about you in such a way I know this heart of mine can not with stand?  Three of you.  Three of you stepped all over me and I still hold my hand out and help you back into my life.  For what?  Do you need somewhere to lay your garbage?  Do you need someone around that you know you can still hurt?  Well, that person is no longer me. 

      My life has put me in some sticky situations.  Life is supposed to be a rollercoaster I believe.  You get into that seat, strap on the seat belt, take off... start to question whether this was a good idea, you adjust yourself and get comfortable, take the ride, your fearful or the adrenaline has taken over and you're enjoying it, and then you get off still shaken from the thrill of the ride itself.   That's life. Sometimes the ride sucks and other times the feeling we got was so intense we want to ride it again. We start new journeys and don't necessarily think about where we are going until we get there.  We sometimes think it was a wasted journey and other times we're glad we took that route.  You just have to figure out what rides are worth it after you've ridden most of them in that theme park.  Well, there are some roller coasters I'm not riding anymore.  The really big ones that had that big drop in the end and I kind of peed my pants a little.  The ones where that big turn made my head hit the seat and I had a headache for the rest of the day.  The one where it gave me motion sickness and ruined my entire day.  I will not put myself back into those life situations where I now know where I end up in the end.

      I've struggled with getting over my father here for the past ten years.  I've made my efforts in achieving a decent relationship.  I've decided time and time again that I was done trying and that always relentlessly leads me back to feeling guilty for giving up.  No matter how nasty he has been to me or anything he has ever put me through, I always give him the upper hand by caving into the thought of things possibly working out.  I have put myself down about my first ex boyfriend who lied about literally everything you can physically lie about.  I felt dumb for allowing myself to believe him and even more dumb for allowing myself to be irresponsible enough to wind up pregnant with him.  How can someone as strong willed as I am go into such a weak state of falling for a man with such a low quality of humanity? I've struggled with my inner self thinking I'm not good enough for myself, let alone someone else.  I'm a Gemini.  Although, I'm not profound on believing everything that comes along with horoscopes, I do believe there are two of me. The person I am and the person that everyone else sees. I'm a very dark person although many see a colorful bubbly girl.  People actually believe that I'm egotistical and I find it hilarious.  My true thoughts, the ones I repeat over and over again in my head, are things nobody hears.  My father, my ex, and my inner self are all rollercoasters that I'm not riding anymore. 

      I'm a survivor of all my demons.  I've played the survivor role to those around me but to myself I kept seeing myself still as a victim.  I never allowed myself to get off those rides and not look back.  It's as if I was seeing those rollercoasters on the other side of the theme park and days I chose to walk away from them, and other days I'd run over to them because I missed that feeling.  The feeling that I might actually like this ride because it's been so long and I might have gotten over my old feelings for it.  Those rides always turn out the same and I'm done.  Done putting myself in the mindset to victimize myself and feel that pain creep through my mind.  My father will never be worth my breath.  My ex doesn't deserve the slightest thought through my mind.  And my inner self will learn how to sit the hell down and not take over my motivation and courage to continue on to my great life.

      When one door closes, another opens.  When we go through hardships in life, we find out more about ourselves.  Sometimes it leads you to find someone great in your life that can understand your battles.  Other times it shows a lot about your strength and what your heart can actually withstand.  We fight wars every day.  Every single one of us.  So many plans we have all made.  So many things change and get lost along the way.  You can either choose to put that roller coaster out of commission or you can ride it as frequently as you want even while knowing the potential damage it may cause.  Take some time to feel alright before its gone.  Nothing hard goes away quickly.  That's life.  With weakness comes strength. With strength comes better opportunity.  We are all beautiful people in our own little funky ways.  Dance in your theme park.  Ride those fun rides and throw your arms in the air.  Feel the wind hit your face and enjoy life.  But when you know that the ride isn't worth the sacrifice, take it out of your life.  Experience the great things and don't be fearful of the hard things.  We are all stronger than we believe we are.  I am stronger than I ever once thought I was.  I'm enjoying this new rollercoaster I'm on and I call it Self Love.  I don't think I'm getting off any time soon.

                                                                                       Yours truly,
                                                                                      Amanda Rae

Back to Life and Writing

I don't know what brought my urge to write again, maybe it's the fact that I feel a change in my life. Maybe it's because today, someone who has been reading my blogs for a long time wrote me.  Maybe it's because I need the creativity flow back in my body.  But tonight, I'm going to talk about something that's been apart of my life for a long time. 

I thought about it when I was younger. I was about twelve or thirteen years old when it first became more than a thought. I remember sitting in my green circle chair in my sponge bob decorated room. I'm not sure if it was because my dad left or if it was because I felt like nobody connected with me as a person. I was young, but all a child wants is to have a great relationship with their parents... And when my best friend and role model left, so did my urge to exist. 

Here in the past three years, it's been more of a thought. It's like a darkness that has crept into my bloodstream. Once the thought becomes an overwhelming desire, there's not much else you can think about. It's a sickness as most people say. But I'm not sick. I wasn't ever sick. The day I made that decision, maybe I was sick. But never did I consider myself to have some sort of sickness. 

People undermine it you know. People think it's all fun and games or someone is just out seeking for attention. Maybe some.  But I never wanted anyone to know. Because if they knew, they would try to stop me.  As I see it, if you really have that "sickness", the last thing you want is someone to know.  Those times that the thoughts and urges come across you when you're laying down for rest, or when you're driving down the road and watch the gravel on the highway pass you by, or the times you go out in public and watch people live their lives wondering if they ever feel that darkness within their bones..those are the times I never wanted anyone to know.  No matter if I wanted to reach out, those who have felt those urges tend to think they have all the answers for a battle you feel like you can't fight. And those who haven't, end up judging or down playing your inner battles. 

So if I never wanted anyone to know, why do I now? Well, I don't think about it everyday.  The past year of my life it crept up the worst it ever has. The thoughts went to preparation. The thoughts went to plans and backup plans on how I could go about it.  I never wanted someone to come across my dead body lying in a bloody pool on the floor. I never wanted a loved one to walk in and see me hanging lifeless from the ceiling of a place I called home.  I always saw myself walking out into the woods of a random town and using a 357 magnum to the head.  That's what the darkness kept showing me.  Then the gun was taken away from the house, as my darkness started to creep out into the light.  I then was going to get a ladder, rope, and go out into the woods with obvious intentions of hanging myself. I wanted to go missing.  That was the plan.  Then for some reason, the darkness didn't want to disappear. It wanted to make me suffer. Not cut the cord to the pain, just amplify the dosage. 

That's when I became what you stereotypical  folks like to call Emo. When the urge came to see my own blood and feel some dreadful pain, I had nothing to use. So I took apart a razor blade and started dragging it across my upper arm. Never did I want to die. Never did I want anyone to find out.  This is why I never cut my wrists. This is why it was in an easily hidden spot.  When I felt the relief... Which wasn't necessarily a relief in good feeling, but a relief that I finally was getting what I deserved... I couldn't stop. Every day I had to do it, or the next day it was worse. Eventually, I talked to someone. It took that. Someone found out and helped me. 

Have I stopped forever? Is the darkness gone? Am I no longer sick? No.  So what is the point of this post? 

Well, in the past five months, what used to happen every day, has happened only twice. My thoughts have not gone away, but I fight it. I fight it because no matter what I've done, I can make up for it in other ways than what I was.  My point is, in all my time of not wanting someone to know, I'm glad that they found out. Who knows where I'd be. How much worse it could have gotten. From the person who got rid of the gun, or the person who talked to me about becoming a better person and making a future that's about making up for the past.. They stopped something that could have been a lot worse. 

The suicide jokes, the name calling of self harmers, the under estimating how "sick" someone really is... Reach out. Whether you care about this person personally, someone does, and it's not a joke, it's not a game, and whatever we as a human race and society can do to prevent someone taking their life, we should. We should extend our arms for and with what's in our reach. Because if that gun was never taken away or that talk was never had with me... I truthfully don't know if I would have ever seen the light again. 

Yours truly, 

Amanda Rae

        For a little over a month I have been writing in a notebook. It's not so much the writing as you would expect, more like jotting down the emotions I don't usually tend to.  It was writing all the random thoughts I questioned or all the emotions I constantly deceive.  This is a notebook for only yours truly, and nobody else. The purpose of this notebook is not to show other's how I feel, but to organize and prioritize my emotions. Well, I ended up writing a page that has stuck with me.. The date of writing this page was 09/28/2011. I'm writing this blog a little late, but you see, I have gone back to my hometown for a visit and now I'm finding the time and words to write this blog.  I'm choosing to show my readers one of my pages, word for word, out of my notebook.  I'll write what I have and then follow up with some insight.  Big step, so enjoy.

Taking Risks;
        Short term risks, we make every day.
        Long terms risks are what I question,
        Life isn't mapped out, so we must make our own fate, or what I call path. Each road we take changes the course or direction of our path. So when you face a decision that will affect you long term, do you risk it? Or do you avoid it and keep walking the path you know?  When is taking a risk worth it? Will you know?
        Life is a guessing game.  So is the beauty of life taking risks and seeing where it takes you?
        How many risks should you take?  Should there be a limit?  What if you've taken the same risk before? Can it take you on a separate path?  Or does the same risk always end the same way, leading to the same path?
        Life can lead you to a comfort zone with no risks.
        Can life bring me all the same joys with no risks?  Or is that not really living?  Does living with out risks lead to a hidden unhappiness?
        Or should I just be asking, is experiencing love really a risk?

        So what is my question really?  There are too many to find just one I'm asking.  Risks, they are everywhere. We all make bad decisions time to time, but learning from mistakes is what makes the difference. Learning from a bad decision can actually lead you to a better path in my opinion.  Thing is, what happens when you find that comfort zone?  The place at which you are happy because nothing can actually affect your path.  You're not relying on anyone or anything to bring you happiness or facing any major life changes.  When you've reached that place and run across a decision, do you risk it?  Should you really risk your happiness when you are already happy?  Why do we constantly try to improve our state of emotions?  I see too many people taking too many risks and their life becomes a roller coaster of emotions.  I'd rather have the neutral zone where my happiness stays at an even pace.
        Now, what if that risk is a chance at experiencing love? Is that the kind of risk you should take?  Well, there lies the questions of what kind of person are you trying to love, or what kind of person are you, in order to love.  What if you've been in that risk before?  People say it can be different.  They say that each relationship is different or the person you fell for was wrong.  Well, what if I'm the wrong one?  Then is risking your happiness for love worth it?  I don't think so. 

        We all learn from our mistakes or our mistaken paths we've traveled.  We are all different, but if you find yourself finding the same weary path over and over again, stop taking that risk.  Stop making the same decisions.  Make a change, for what you're feeling can only be felt by you.  Nobody truly cares about how you feel.  That's a mistake you should never make.

                        Yours truly,
                       Amanda Rae

A day that I can't take back...

          I've come to a point of emptiness.  This will be my first blog I write that I won't overlook my words. I won't backspace any emotions I express uncontrollably.  This is going to be the blog that will cause the biggest self challenge to get through writing.  I've started to notice a change in who I am.  Some of you that talk to me on a daily basis may not have experienced or even noticed this change, but I see it in the way I think, the way I talk, and the way I've been second guessing everything in life.

          I'm not exactly sure why I've decided to write about this and share it for all the one's whom are choosing to read this.  I am fully aware that I'm going to be judged.  Whether it be out loud and blunt or judged silently. In a month from now, September 25th, I should be celebrating my child's first birthday.  I should be frantically rushing into decisions on how to decorate the cake, what outfit he or she should wear, or what the theme for my baby's first birthday will be.  Instead, I sit here with no child.  I sit here with a empty feeling full of regret and hatred for myself.  If anyone decides on viewing me with disgust from this point forward... just let it be known, I look in the mirror some days and damn near want to cover it with a black sheet so I don't even have to face myself.  I had an abortion.

         A year and a half ago, I was a sixteen year old girl with a twenty one year old boyfriend.  Or so I thought.  He was my first boyfriend and yet, he was the furthest thing from who I thought he was.  One drunken night was all it took.  I was pregnant.  I'll never forget the day I took the tests.  My mother wasn't home at the time and my boyfriend brought over two pregnancy tests.  I took the first one and we watched that test like hawks as the second line slowly became visible.  Not knowing if a faint second line clarified as being pregnant, I took the second. Yeah, I was definitely pregnant.  Before in talking about me being pregnant, my boyfriend had told me that if I was, I should get an abortion.  I agreed until that very moment the scare became a reality.  To make matters even more confusing, my boyfriend smiled with joy as I dropped to the floor with my head tucked between my knees. His words..."Baby, we're pregnant."  Not "you're" pregnant, "WE'RE" pregnant. In that moment, with the tears running down my face, I knew that in nine months I would be having a child.

          I was pregnant for two and a half months, or as the doctor told me...10 weeks. In that time, I figured out what the child's name was going to be whether it be a boy or a girl.  Boy: Jet Ryan  Girl: Kalen Rae  Now: "My blue eyed angel".  To save everyone from a long story in explaining myself, my boyfriend clearly lost himself.  The man I knew to be protective and the most endearing person, quickly became the most cynical and vindictive man.  Lies and secrets were quickly arising in our relationship and I sure as hell didn't know how to deal with them.  He said things to me that I had never heard from someone that actually was trying to hurt my feelings.  I grew up with parents that spent most of their time fighting.  I grew up without a father for many years of my life and as I know I would have given my child everything in my will power, there was never a chance in this world I could live with giving my child the life I had.

          February 26th 2010, I went through went through with the abortion.  Today the man that was supposed to be the father of my child is far from a part of my life.  You see, we tried multiple times after to be the couple we invisioned.  Three months ago he finally admitted to lying about basically everything he has told me in life.  For a long time he tried to cover his tracks and was very good at manipulating me.  I know now that if I would have gone through with my pregnancy, my innocent child would have been born with one of the worst men to become a father.  At the same time, I can't sit here and give excuses for why I went through with my abortion, but I can give you my reasons for why it seemed like the smartest decision after weeks of thinking.

          Today is a new day.  If I could be the person I am today and go back with the ability to have my child, I wouldn't waste a second going back.  Today I would be a good mother.  Today I would choose to live with nothing else in this world except for that child.  I can't take back what I have already done.  I'm one who doesn't ever want to regret a moment in life, for my past decisions have made me the strong, good-hearted person I am today.  Yet, I do regret having my abortion.  Whether you knew my story and know it was a smart decision or whether you don't know me and already choose to look down on me... know this, I've never felt so much hatred for myself and for what I've done.  For the first time I can admit that I am weak.  I'm not okay and I'm not sure if there will ever come a time that this will ever be okay with me.  I have hit a point in life to where I'm not exactly sure where I go emotionally from here.  Much is changing around me but I still pause to sit here and close my eyes to see a beautiful child running and playing.  I have feelings of guilt, regret, pain, disgust, hatred, sadness, and anger all for one person...myself.

          For those of you who chose to have sex and not take precautions... don't think you are invincible for one second.  I never thought at sixteen I'd be pregnant.  The relationship that seemed picture perfect crashed and burned once reality caught up with us.  Every story is different.  Every life has a different outcome.  If I could just give anyone that reads this one word of advice to carry on, it would be... think about your actions.  Every action can be held accountable for in one way or another.  Don't let that one moment of pleasure lead to a life full of sorrow.  Don't be me.  Please, just don't be me. 

                    Yours truly,
                   Amanda Rae

One fatal second...

Before you begin to read what I have to say, answer these few questions.
1. Have you ever drank alcohol?
2. Have you ever rode in a vehicle after the driver has been drinking or taken drugs?
3. Have you ever operated a vehicle after drinking or taking drugs?
4. Do you know anyone who has been killed by a drunk driver, or someone who has killed someone by drinking and driving?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions...remember...one second can end up being the last second you or another will have.

         October 2nd, 2010 I decided to get into a vehicle after consuming over fifteen beers and several shots of tequila. I was new in town, so I decided to show up the boys who THOUGHT they knew how to drink.  I was a female, and most females feel as if they need to prove they can drink a man under the table.  Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?  Females have a higher water content in their body, so it is a proven fact that females get intoxicated faster and stay intoxicated longer than males.  Point is, male or female, trying to out drink someone is really ignorant.  The more you drink, the less your mind is able to make decisions that you'll stand by in the morning.

         After I got in the vehicle, my memory started to fade.  I don't remember driving, I don't remember dropping a friend off, I don't remember the road I was even on.  I think back and all I can see is the blue lights in my rear view mirror.  There was no denying I was drunk.  I was instantly asked to step outside of the vehicle.  I did the sobriety tests and failed them drastically...blowing a .16 on my blood alcohol test.  The cop asked me to turn around and handcuffed me.  I was then put into the back of the cop car and taken to jail.  I was arrested for a Driving Under the Influence, Driving Under Suspension, Open Container, and Minor Possession of Alcohol.  My jail experience is beyond all doubt, the scariest thing I have ever been through.  I was put in shackles, handcuffs, and put into a holding cell with a couple girls and several cat-calling males.  I remember sitting there in that dull, cement room.  Looking around I saw people who looked like they belonged there, people who had smiles on their faces, people who without a doubt were criminals... all I knew was that was not the place I belonged.

         I was court ordered to do a lot for my DUI.  I had to commit to fifty hours of community service, attend a class for two months about alcohol and drug abuse, take a class about safe drivers, and visit a prison.  In my prison tour, I was in a group of about twenty girls. We had to hold hands with another girl and walk in a straight line.  We were in the inmates home.  No bars, no windows, no fence in between these prisoners.  Our tour guides were four female inmates that had been locked up for sixteen years.  Those four shared their stories with us.  I was not only the youngest in my group, but the only one with a DUI.  Out of the four, two of the inmates made sure to present their stories straight towards me...for driving under the influence was the very reason they were wearing that tan uniform with a printed reminder reading "inmate".   One of them was arrested at 19.  She was very similar to the person I was back then... a partier that always said, "Oh, I drive better drunk."  She said that until she killed a three month old child by drinking a driving.  The second woman was someone who still sends chills down my spine to this day.  She told me that she was never a heavy drinker, that she had maybe been to three bars in her entire life.  One day she had a couple beers and remembered she had to pick up a few things at the store.  She then began to tell us that she wrecked and killed two children... an eight and two year old. As she paused, she continued to tell us that those two kids were her very own children inside her vehicle.  She then put in my hands, pictures of her two children and of the vehicle after the wreck.  That was the day that I realized I never will step foot in a vehicle after drinking or if the driver has been drinking.

         The one thing I did, that wasn't court ordered, was grow as a person and learn to appreciate getting a DUI. During my process, I was living with my mother and my grandparents.  My entire family drinks. Whether it's all day, a couple drinks a day, three times a week... my family drinks.  My point in saying this is, it's not easy to quit when you're surrounded by drunks.  It either makes you want to drink again or it makes you want to enforce them to quit.  As tough as it got to get my point across sometimes, eventually my family supported me in my decision to quit.  I have alcoholics on both my mother's and father's side of the family.  I'm very prone to becoming a serious alcoholic. But learning from my mistakes in the past and seeing what condition I would be in if I kept drinking, makes drinking never an option.

         Today, I'm a different person.  Ten months ago I was a partier.  I was the girl who wanted all the attention at a get-together.  I was someone who drank until I couldn't or until I did something stupid.  Today I'm the girl who stays sober.  I'm the girl who can go to a party and not think twice about picking up any drink of alcohol.  I will ALWAYS be the girl who knows that every decision I make is under a strong sober mind.  My process to this life was the hardest but the most rewarding experience I've gone through.  I know a lot of people who read this may never understand what it's like to not drink, to go through and see the things I saw, or to eliminate the only way they can feel accepted.  A party life will never be a successful life.  An alcoholic is nothing but a failure to life.  To pick up alcohol and let it fade the image of the beautiful chance of life we are all given, is to let go of control on the only chance you're given. 

                           From a sober mind,
                                Amanda Rae
                         

Crash!

          You wake up.  It's nine thirty but you were supposed to get up at seven. Your alarm clock is blinking because the power went out in the middle of the night.  You still have to get dressed, grab something to eat, and rush to work.  You keep trying to call your boss to tell them you are on the way, but you keep losing signal.  So as you are driving in a hurry down the road, everybody on the road seems to be driving under the speed limit, traffic is horrible, and you still can't get any service.  The world seems to be shitting on you basically.  Well that intense, horrible morning will get better!  You may get fired, lose a raise... the possibilities are endless... BUT life always gets better. In order for life to have a better outcome, you must make that outcome happen.  You can not sit back and let life fix itself, you have to take action.

          Readers, I'm going to let you in on some information in my life... I'm only seventeen but just as most people these days, I've had my tussles with many tragedies. I honestly have never had a good role model. Every thing in life I learned, I had to learn through an experience.  Whether it be drugs, sex, or violence. But throughout being a lousy child, I grew up and became a wonderful person.  Life is all about taking a horrible thing and making a better outcome.  You can never "give up" on the effort for a better life... because you can always, ALWAYS, achieve the greater. 

          I refuse to identify people, but I have a close person in my life who is drinking their life away. This person is the one who inspired me to continue my life with art and never give up on my talent.  I've tried numerous efforts to keep this person away from the drinking and keep to the things in life that make one happy.  Well every effort has failed and this person refuses to think of anyone except for themselves... So I informed this alcoholic that I will not watch them drink their life away and stepped away from this issue...no longer giving any effort to influence them to quit .  Am I wrong? Maybe.  But alcoholics know nothing other than the mood enhancer they drink out of a can or bottle every day.  The family, the friends, the pure amazement of having a life seems to vanish right before them, without even noticing.  A drunk drinks that reality away and never has to live with the pain like the sober ones around them.  My advice to you, don't drink to the point to where you become addicted.  An alcoholic is a failure, no matter what view point you are looking at it from.  They can achieve the sober life, with a tremendous effort... but it can be done.  

          Readers, simply think about life.  Life is so precious... whether you are living for yourself or living for a beautiful family.  The thought of taking each breath, walking with one foot in front of the other, being able to touch and feel, everything in life is amazing... don't ever take it for granted or do anything in life to fade that precious experience we are given.

                                        Just some insight from yours truly,

                                                     Amanda Rae