Dancing in the Clouds

       It's been a while readers... a while being an understatement.  I'd be pretty surprised if I even still had readers.  My last post was in 2013. Seems to be that I have a lot updating to do.  I'm tired of telling my story though.  Another stranger who seems confused by all my endeavors and lifestyle. Another person I have to explain how I got to where I am.  Life is crazy.  It takes you in places you never thought you'd go.  Sometimes your high and other times you feel as if you checked into the basement of rock bottom.  I miss writing though.  For two important reasons that I wish I had never replaced with unnecessary choices.  One, I miss freeing my mind.  The way it feels to hit your fingers across a keyboard and let out all the pent up emotions you feel like people will never understand or even care for that matter.  Two,  being taken back by all the ones who use to message me privately thanking me and asking for advice... and just understanding.  So here I go again, this is where I am.

      When I was younger, I refused to fall in love.  I refused to open up and allow a man into my life.  I was young and naïve.  Fearful without knowing what I was actually scared about.  Somewhere along my life, I changed.  I grew up and I started to acknowledge relationships as something acceptable.  Something I wanted to be a part of.  I've dated.  I've fallen in love.  My spirit has danced in the clouds where all the people who are head over heals go and it has fallen back down to square one in the darkness.  You have to pick yourself and keep going.  The physical pain was easy.  The emotional pain was damaging.  But being alone was unbearable.  Until now.


        Every time I broke up with a boyfriend, I moved on very quickly.  Even though I didn't really believe in being in love and it lasting, I always ended up finding someone new.  I tried to convince myself that I wanted to be alone, but you can't shake the truth. You can't help what you feel.  I wish I was wiser in my choices with men. I hated being alone so immensely that I settled for the guys who didn't deserve my time. I probably wouldn't be as unforgivable as I am now to mistakes.  When love has not taken over and a guy messes up, I walk away.  Too quickly.  And I never look back.  When I love, I forgive too often and then I end up having to pull out my wonder woman strength card out and pick myself back up.  I'm over having to pick myself up. I'm over not being accepting of certain qualities because of what my past has put me through.  One extreme or the other.  There should be a point of meeting in the middle when it comes to forgiving or not forgiving.  It's about the rush of feelings at that time in your life.  This isn't about my past relationships though.  This is about trying to figure out what has changed within me.

      I was just with someone who I loved very deeply and thought I was going to marry.  We didn't just live in the moment, we planed life together.  He influenced me to change my bad qualities and shaped my personality into a well rounded, wholesome structure.  Though I knew I was changing, I didn't know how intense it really was until we broke up.  As I said, I typically move on very quickly.  I'm never truly alone, at least not for long.  I wanted it that way... to not be alone...back then.  Now, I'm happy to be alone.  I don't want him back.  I'm not sad that it didn't work out.  I'm not talking to anyone.  My life has been running in a series of stories like this.
      The rushing of heat across my face as that cute guy handed me his number and told me to come see him in a couple days fell flat on the floor when I could see the inner Amanda rolling her eyes at the denial of my intentions.  He was cute.  And I don't just mean, "yeah, he is a decent guy" kind of cute.  He seemed to be quite wholesome himself.  Pretty smile, confidence, and he clearly took care of his body.  But my intentions never pair up. I never was going to meet him.  I would have never kissed him, or exchanged life stories over some drinks, and definitely would have never allowed it to go anywhere.  The thought of kissing a guy right now makes me cringe.  The last person I kissed was my ex-boyfriend.   I mean when I say I don't miss him.  But my point in recognizing my last kiss is to show that the very last man to kiss my lips was someone whom loved me.  Someone I loved back and someone who left a chill down my spine after each kiss.  I don't want to scrub the regret off my lips after dude man that gave me his number kisses me in a hypothetical situation.  As I'm writing this, I'm laughing.  And this is meant in all seriousness. But if anyone reading this knew who the old Amanda was, this would almost seem like she has died and someone else took over her body.  Kissing a stranger used to not be an issue, but now kissing a potentially well-rounded man disgusts me.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

      I want meaningful kisses... kind of.  I don't want them soon and I don't want them with anyone I know at this point in my life. I don't have feelings for anyone other than myself.  I'm so content with being alone its fearful.  I was fearful once of a relationship and now I'm fearful that I'm too happy alone that I'll never get back out there again. Am I missing out?  Pretty smile guy could have been a good opportunity.  He could have been someone worth my while.  He probably and hopefully didn't even think of me in that view of light, but I'm talking about hypothetical here.  What if I'm so closed off due from my solitude happiness, that I may be missing things?  I don't fear getting hurt.  My strength is a force to be reckoned with.  Fear is not transpiring from a future breakup.  Its transpiring from not wanting to deal with anyone else in my life.  Nobody interests me.  Nobody makes my heart flutter.  I don't want anyone to touch me or fall for me.  I just want to be alone because I'm happy that way.  But I've never been happy that way, so I'm confused.  Where is this coming from?  Have I grown into a woman.   Or have I actually just learned how to love myself?  Have I really not loved myself until now... My emotions are confusing me because this is nothing I've ever felt with myself. I'm alone. Happily alone.  No denial.  No anger or hurt.  I'm dancing in the clouds that singles go to when they are at peace.


                                                                         Yours truly,
                                                                        Amanda Rae

        For a little over a month I have been writing in a notebook. It's not so much the writing as you would expect, more like jotting down the emotions I don't usually tend to.  It was writing all the random thoughts I questioned or all the emotions I constantly deceive.  This is a notebook for only yours truly, and nobody else. The purpose of this notebook is not to show other's how I feel, but to organize and prioritize my emotions. Well, I ended up writing a page that has stuck with me.. The date of writing this page was 09/28/2011. I'm writing this blog a little late, but you see, I have gone back to my hometown for a visit and now I'm finding the time and words to write this blog.  I'm choosing to show my readers one of my pages, word for word, out of my notebook.  I'll write what I have and then follow up with some insight.  Big step, so enjoy.

Taking Risks;
        Short term risks, we make every day.
        Long terms risks are what I question,
        Life isn't mapped out, so we must make our own fate, or what I call path. Each road we take changes the course or direction of our path. So when you face a decision that will affect you long term, do you risk it? Or do you avoid it and keep walking the path you know?  When is taking a risk worth it? Will you know?
        Life is a guessing game.  So is the beauty of life taking risks and seeing where it takes you?
        How many risks should you take?  Should there be a limit?  What if you've taken the same risk before? Can it take you on a separate path?  Or does the same risk always end the same way, leading to the same path?
        Life can lead you to a comfort zone with no risks.
        Can life bring me all the same joys with no risks?  Or is that not really living?  Does living with out risks lead to a hidden unhappiness?
        Or should I just be asking, is experiencing love really a risk?

        So what is my question really?  There are too many to find just one I'm asking.  Risks, they are everywhere. We all make bad decisions time to time, but learning from mistakes is what makes the difference. Learning from a bad decision can actually lead you to a better path in my opinion.  Thing is, what happens when you find that comfort zone?  The place at which you are happy because nothing can actually affect your path.  You're not relying on anyone or anything to bring you happiness or facing any major life changes.  When you've reached that place and run across a decision, do you risk it?  Should you really risk your happiness when you are already happy?  Why do we constantly try to improve our state of emotions?  I see too many people taking too many risks and their life becomes a roller coaster of emotions.  I'd rather have the neutral zone where my happiness stays at an even pace.
        Now, what if that risk is a chance at experiencing love? Is that the kind of risk you should take?  Well, there lies the questions of what kind of person are you trying to love, or what kind of person are you, in order to love.  What if you've been in that risk before?  People say it can be different.  They say that each relationship is different or the person you fell for was wrong.  Well, what if I'm the wrong one?  Then is risking your happiness for love worth it?  I don't think so. 

        We all learn from our mistakes or our mistaken paths we've traveled.  We are all different, but if you find yourself finding the same weary path over and over again, stop taking that risk.  Stop making the same decisions.  Make a change, for what you're feeling can only be felt by you.  Nobody truly cares about how you feel.  That's a mistake you should never make.

                        Yours truly,
                       Amanda Rae

Saying goodbye...

Alright, so I'm going to admit that my emotions have caught up with me. This is a very rare thing and usually means something serious has struck.  A couple posts ago, I wrote about a guy that I love...the one and only guy I'll love. Well that one and only guy I love is not the one and only guy I need.  With my birthday being yesterday, I wasn't really expecting to get a present from the hope and dreams crusher!

My love, Ryan, and I had a rocky relationship. It was full of lies, deceit, and hurtful words.  Of course there were the good times, times that I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world...but the more time went on, the less I felt that way.  Throughout all the bad, I still didn't want anything other than him.  Every time him and reached out to each other after several months of not speaking, the bond we had and the love we shared seemed to be more than perfect. But yesterday, reality struck me...

When two people break up after a true relationship, an emptiness is left within the two people.  Eventually the two will talk again and second guess whether they should be together or not.  If the two choose to try it again, well that's when you have entered the "in between" phase.  The phase where there are no fights, no worries, just pure happiness. This is due to the fact that a couple trying to build a relationship isn't going to fight and bring up issues from the past, ruining what they've started.  Once you move past this phase and get back into the relationship, getting comfortable... this is when the fights, lies arise, and problems from the past bring back an unhappy relationship...the reason you two broke up in the first place.

In my situation, I will always love Ryan. Even if he has put me through a long heart-wrenching two years, he will always be a major part of my life.  But as of last night, I made it clear that we will never be together.  Something that put me in tears to say, something that I couldn't stand telling the guy I love, but something that was much overdo.  Two people who become each other's poison should not try to be together again.  Now I will go back to the life style I am most comfortable with... not letting a single person in and keeping all senses of relationships and affections far away, for I am most happy when I am alone

                           Yours truly,
                         Amanda Rae

PS. Ryan, if you ever do come across this... Just know that I was in love with who I thought you were, but I clearly don't even know the real you.