Your Personal Theme Park

"It's not what you've lost, but it's what you find."
      Why do I think about you? Or you? Or you? Or you?  Why do I think about you in such a way I know this heart of mine can not with stand?  Three of you.  Three of you stepped all over me and I still hold my hand out and help you back into my life.  For what?  Do you need somewhere to lay your garbage?  Do you need someone around that you know you can still hurt?  Well, that person is no longer me. 

      My life has put me in some sticky situations.  Life is supposed to be a rollercoaster I believe.  You get into that seat, strap on the seat belt, take off... start to question whether this was a good idea, you adjust yourself and get comfortable, take the ride, your fearful or the adrenaline has taken over and you're enjoying it, and then you get off still shaken from the thrill of the ride itself.   That's life. Sometimes the ride sucks and other times the feeling we got was so intense we want to ride it again. We start new journeys and don't necessarily think about where we are going until we get there.  We sometimes think it was a wasted journey and other times we're glad we took that route.  You just have to figure out what rides are worth it after you've ridden most of them in that theme park.  Well, there are some roller coasters I'm not riding anymore.  The really big ones that had that big drop in the end and I kind of peed my pants a little.  The ones where that big turn made my head hit the seat and I had a headache for the rest of the day.  The one where it gave me motion sickness and ruined my entire day.  I will not put myself back into those life situations where I now know where I end up in the end.

      I've struggled with getting over my father here for the past ten years.  I've made my efforts in achieving a decent relationship.  I've decided time and time again that I was done trying and that always relentlessly leads me back to feeling guilty for giving up.  No matter how nasty he has been to me or anything he has ever put me through, I always give him the upper hand by caving into the thought of things possibly working out.  I have put myself down about my first ex boyfriend who lied about literally everything you can physically lie about.  I felt dumb for allowing myself to believe him and even more dumb for allowing myself to be irresponsible enough to wind up pregnant with him.  How can someone as strong willed as I am go into such a weak state of falling for a man with such a low quality of humanity? I've struggled with my inner self thinking I'm not good enough for myself, let alone someone else.  I'm a Gemini.  Although, I'm not profound on believing everything that comes along with horoscopes, I do believe there are two of me. The person I am and the person that everyone else sees. I'm a very dark person although many see a colorful bubbly girl.  People actually believe that I'm egotistical and I find it hilarious.  My true thoughts, the ones I repeat over and over again in my head, are things nobody hears.  My father, my ex, and my inner self are all rollercoasters that I'm not riding anymore. 

      I'm a survivor of all my demons.  I've played the survivor role to those around me but to myself I kept seeing myself still as a victim.  I never allowed myself to get off those rides and not look back.  It's as if I was seeing those rollercoasters on the other side of the theme park and days I chose to walk away from them, and other days I'd run over to them because I missed that feeling.  The feeling that I might actually like this ride because it's been so long and I might have gotten over my old feelings for it.  Those rides always turn out the same and I'm done.  Done putting myself in the mindset to victimize myself and feel that pain creep through my mind.  My father will never be worth my breath.  My ex doesn't deserve the slightest thought through my mind.  And my inner self will learn how to sit the hell down and not take over my motivation and courage to continue on to my great life.

      When one door closes, another opens.  When we go through hardships in life, we find out more about ourselves.  Sometimes it leads you to find someone great in your life that can understand your battles.  Other times it shows a lot about your strength and what your heart can actually withstand.  We fight wars every day.  Every single one of us.  So many plans we have all made.  So many things change and get lost along the way.  You can either choose to put that roller coaster out of commission or you can ride it as frequently as you want even while knowing the potential damage it may cause.  Take some time to feel alright before its gone.  Nothing hard goes away quickly.  That's life.  With weakness comes strength. With strength comes better opportunity.  We are all beautiful people in our own little funky ways.  Dance in your theme park.  Ride those fun rides and throw your arms in the air.  Feel the wind hit your face and enjoy life.  But when you know that the ride isn't worth the sacrifice, take it out of your life.  Experience the great things and don't be fearful of the hard things.  We are all stronger than we believe we are.  I am stronger than I ever once thought I was.  I'm enjoying this new rollercoaster I'm on and I call it Self Love.  I don't think I'm getting off any time soon.

                                                                                       Yours truly,
                                                                                      Amanda Rae

Dancing in the Clouds

       It's been a while readers... a while being an understatement.  I'd be pretty surprised if I even still had readers.  My last post was in 2013. Seems to be that I have a lot updating to do.  I'm tired of telling my story though.  Another stranger who seems confused by all my endeavors and lifestyle. Another person I have to explain how I got to where I am.  Life is crazy.  It takes you in places you never thought you'd go.  Sometimes your high and other times you feel as if you checked into the basement of rock bottom.  I miss writing though.  For two important reasons that I wish I had never replaced with unnecessary choices.  One, I miss freeing my mind.  The way it feels to hit your fingers across a keyboard and let out all the pent up emotions you feel like people will never understand or even care for that matter.  Two,  being taken back by all the ones who use to message me privately thanking me and asking for advice... and just understanding.  So here I go again, this is where I am.

      When I was younger, I refused to fall in love.  I refused to open up and allow a man into my life.  I was young and naïve.  Fearful without knowing what I was actually scared about.  Somewhere along my life, I changed.  I grew up and I started to acknowledge relationships as something acceptable.  Something I wanted to be a part of.  I've dated.  I've fallen in love.  My spirit has danced in the clouds where all the people who are head over heals go and it has fallen back down to square one in the darkness.  You have to pick yourself and keep going.  The physical pain was easy.  The emotional pain was damaging.  But being alone was unbearable.  Until now.


        Every time I broke up with a boyfriend, I moved on very quickly.  Even though I didn't really believe in being in love and it lasting, I always ended up finding someone new.  I tried to convince myself that I wanted to be alone, but you can't shake the truth. You can't help what you feel.  I wish I was wiser in my choices with men. I hated being alone so immensely that I settled for the guys who didn't deserve my time. I probably wouldn't be as unforgivable as I am now to mistakes.  When love has not taken over and a guy messes up, I walk away.  Too quickly.  And I never look back.  When I love, I forgive too often and then I end up having to pull out my wonder woman strength card out and pick myself back up.  I'm over having to pick myself up. I'm over not being accepting of certain qualities because of what my past has put me through.  One extreme or the other.  There should be a point of meeting in the middle when it comes to forgiving or not forgiving.  It's about the rush of feelings at that time in your life.  This isn't about my past relationships though.  This is about trying to figure out what has changed within me.

      I was just with someone who I loved very deeply and thought I was going to marry.  We didn't just live in the moment, we planed life together.  He influenced me to change my bad qualities and shaped my personality into a well rounded, wholesome structure.  Though I knew I was changing, I didn't know how intense it really was until we broke up.  As I said, I typically move on very quickly.  I'm never truly alone, at least not for long.  I wanted it that way... to not be alone...back then.  Now, I'm happy to be alone.  I don't want him back.  I'm not sad that it didn't work out.  I'm not talking to anyone.  My life has been running in a series of stories like this.
      The rushing of heat across my face as that cute guy handed me his number and told me to come see him in a couple days fell flat on the floor when I could see the inner Amanda rolling her eyes at the denial of my intentions.  He was cute.  And I don't just mean, "yeah, he is a decent guy" kind of cute.  He seemed to be quite wholesome himself.  Pretty smile, confidence, and he clearly took care of his body.  But my intentions never pair up. I never was going to meet him.  I would have never kissed him, or exchanged life stories over some drinks, and definitely would have never allowed it to go anywhere.  The thought of kissing a guy right now makes me cringe.  The last person I kissed was my ex-boyfriend.   I mean when I say I don't miss him.  But my point in recognizing my last kiss is to show that the very last man to kiss my lips was someone whom loved me.  Someone I loved back and someone who left a chill down my spine after each kiss.  I don't want to scrub the regret off my lips after dude man that gave me his number kisses me in a hypothetical situation.  As I'm writing this, I'm laughing.  And this is meant in all seriousness. But if anyone reading this knew who the old Amanda was, this would almost seem like she has died and someone else took over her body.  Kissing a stranger used to not be an issue, but now kissing a potentially well-rounded man disgusts me.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

      I want meaningful kisses... kind of.  I don't want them soon and I don't want them with anyone I know at this point in my life. I don't have feelings for anyone other than myself.  I'm so content with being alone its fearful.  I was fearful once of a relationship and now I'm fearful that I'm too happy alone that I'll never get back out there again. Am I missing out?  Pretty smile guy could have been a good opportunity.  He could have been someone worth my while.  He probably and hopefully didn't even think of me in that view of light, but I'm talking about hypothetical here.  What if I'm so closed off due from my solitude happiness, that I may be missing things?  I don't fear getting hurt.  My strength is a force to be reckoned with.  Fear is not transpiring from a future breakup.  Its transpiring from not wanting to deal with anyone else in my life.  Nobody interests me.  Nobody makes my heart flutter.  I don't want anyone to touch me or fall for me.  I just want to be alone because I'm happy that way.  But I've never been happy that way, so I'm confused.  Where is this coming from?  Have I grown into a woman.   Or have I actually just learned how to love myself?  Have I really not loved myself until now... My emotions are confusing me because this is nothing I've ever felt with myself. I'm alone. Happily alone.  No denial.  No anger or hurt.  I'm dancing in the clouds that singles go to when they are at peace.


                                                                         Yours truly,
                                                                        Amanda Rae

Love Free

        For my readers and dearest friends that keep up with this blog, you very well know my beliefs on the subject of love.  I don't believe in love... more than so I don't believe in what society has made of love.  I've got a different take on the whole relationship spiel.  I've got a different take on how I handle relationships and why I'm not the type of person to be in one.

        You ask, what do you believe in if you don't believe in love?  I believe two people can be happy together.  Sometimes in life people think they need a companion to bring them joy.  For me, I bring myself joy... yet I wonder what it would feel like to let someone else bring me happiness again.  I wonder what it feels like to care about someone so deeply that I get that funny feeling in my gut and that rush of heat throughout my body with the softest kiss.  The way it feels to have someone's fingertips run through my hair sending chills down my spine.  The way it gets so hot under the covers from holding each other so tight....  Yeah, I wonder if I'll ever feel those things again... the things that make a relationship almost worth every struggle.
        But for me, I don't like to talk about my emotions or the painful reasons of why I am the person I am today. To me, you have to know those things and understand them to know me as a person.  Without me willing to explain them, a companionship will never exist. I don't try to get new friends, for they will never really get to know me.  I have two girl friends and one guy friend that have grown up with me and been by my side through each of my painful experiences.  I'll never have to explain to them why I don't trust anyone or why I fear divorce... they know how my head already works.  They know what I feel and what I need at any given moment. With a relationship, two partners must be there for each other and support each others' needs. 
        My needs in a relationship?  I need a guy to completely understand me.  I need a guy to prove to me that forever does exist.  I need a guy to prove to me in ten years the feelings we have for each other will never change.  Each of those requests can never be made.  For no one new will understand me, for forever is an indefinite amount of time, for no one can show me what the future holds.  Do I hold too high of requests for a relationship?  Yes, I know I do. 
        Just like anyone, I do think about getting married.  I've thought about myself in a beautiful wedding gown, walking down the isle to some man I chose to fall in love with.  I've thought about having the chance to have kids again with a man that I know will always be there for them.  I miss feeling beautiful by just the touch of a caring guy.  Time to time, as I watch a movie I wish I was laying against a guy that I know wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here with me.  I do miss feeling close to someone, but I've trained myself to not allow those desires and wants fade what really matters in life.

        I purposely avoid all chances of getting close with someone.  I never want to be so close to someone in way that they hold the opportunity to hurt me.  Keeping my distance allows me to remain invincible.  I never want to put my emotions on the line for the risk of getting happiness from another.  The most important thing in life is yourself.  When you put yourself in a relationship, you risk all sense of stability.  Too many marriages are made, making two people live unhappy for years until a divorce is made.  I will never set myself up for failure.  I don't want to get into a relationship not knowing if we will last a lifetime.  If it doesn't last a lifetime, what's the point of getting to know each other and fighting to stay happy when you're just going to leave each other?  I'd rather spend my time making myself happy while watching all these reckless relationships fail, knowing I'll never be that heartbroken girl. 

                        Yours truly,
                        Amanda Rae