Back to Life and Writing

I don't know what brought my urge to write again, maybe it's the fact that I feel a change in my life. Maybe it's because today, someone who has been reading my blogs for a long time wrote me.  Maybe it's because I need the creativity flow back in my body.  But tonight, I'm going to talk about something that's been apart of my life for a long time. 

I thought about it when I was younger. I was about twelve or thirteen years old when it first became more than a thought. I remember sitting in my green circle chair in my sponge bob decorated room. I'm not sure if it was because my dad left or if it was because I felt like nobody connected with me as a person. I was young, but all a child wants is to have a great relationship with their parents... And when my best friend and role model left, so did my urge to exist. 

Here in the past three years, it's been more of a thought. It's like a darkness that has crept into my bloodstream. Once the thought becomes an overwhelming desire, there's not much else you can think about. It's a sickness as most people say. But I'm not sick. I wasn't ever sick. The day I made that decision, maybe I was sick. But never did I consider myself to have some sort of sickness. 

People undermine it you know. People think it's all fun and games or someone is just out seeking for attention. Maybe some.  But I never wanted anyone to know. Because if they knew, they would try to stop me.  As I see it, if you really have that "sickness", the last thing you want is someone to know.  Those times that the thoughts and urges come across you when you're laying down for rest, or when you're driving down the road and watch the gravel on the highway pass you by, or the times you go out in public and watch people live their lives wondering if they ever feel that darkness within their bones..those are the times I never wanted anyone to know.  No matter if I wanted to reach out, those who have felt those urges tend to think they have all the answers for a battle you feel like you can't fight. And those who haven't, end up judging or down playing your inner battles. 

So if I never wanted anyone to know, why do I now? Well, I don't think about it everyday.  The past year of my life it crept up the worst it ever has. The thoughts went to preparation. The thoughts went to plans and backup plans on how I could go about it.  I never wanted someone to come across my dead body lying in a bloody pool on the floor. I never wanted a loved one to walk in and see me hanging lifeless from the ceiling of a place I called home.  I always saw myself walking out into the woods of a random town and using a 357 magnum to the head.  That's what the darkness kept showing me.  Then the gun was taken away from the house, as my darkness started to creep out into the light.  I then was going to get a ladder, rope, and go out into the woods with obvious intentions of hanging myself. I wanted to go missing.  That was the plan.  Then for some reason, the darkness didn't want to disappear. It wanted to make me suffer. Not cut the cord to the pain, just amplify the dosage. 

That's when I became what you stereotypical  folks like to call Emo. When the urge came to see my own blood and feel some dreadful pain, I had nothing to use. So I took apart a razor blade and started dragging it across my upper arm. Never did I want to die. Never did I want anyone to find out.  This is why I never cut my wrists. This is why it was in an easily hidden spot.  When I felt the relief... Which wasn't necessarily a relief in good feeling, but a relief that I finally was getting what I deserved... I couldn't stop. Every day I had to do it, or the next day it was worse. Eventually, I talked to someone. It took that. Someone found out and helped me. 

Have I stopped forever? Is the darkness gone? Am I no longer sick? No.  So what is the point of this post? 

Well, in the past five months, what used to happen every day, has happened only twice. My thoughts have not gone away, but I fight it. I fight it because no matter what I've done, I can make up for it in other ways than what I was.  My point is, in all my time of not wanting someone to know, I'm glad that they found out. Who knows where I'd be. How much worse it could have gotten. From the person who got rid of the gun, or the person who talked to me about becoming a better person and making a future that's about making up for the past.. They stopped something that could have been a lot worse. 

The suicide jokes, the name calling of self harmers, the under estimating how "sick" someone really is... Reach out. Whether you care about this person personally, someone does, and it's not a joke, it's not a game, and whatever we as a human race and society can do to prevent someone taking their life, we should. We should extend our arms for and with what's in our reach. Because if that gun was never taken away or that talk was never had with me... I truthfully don't know if I would have ever seen the light again. 

Yours truly, 

Amanda Rae

        For a little over a month I have been writing in a notebook. It's not so much the writing as you would expect, more like jotting down the emotions I don't usually tend to.  It was writing all the random thoughts I questioned or all the emotions I constantly deceive.  This is a notebook for only yours truly, and nobody else. The purpose of this notebook is not to show other's how I feel, but to organize and prioritize my emotions. Well, I ended up writing a page that has stuck with me.. The date of writing this page was 09/28/2011. I'm writing this blog a little late, but you see, I have gone back to my hometown for a visit and now I'm finding the time and words to write this blog.  I'm choosing to show my readers one of my pages, word for word, out of my notebook.  I'll write what I have and then follow up with some insight.  Big step, so enjoy.

Taking Risks;
        Short term risks, we make every day.
        Long terms risks are what I question,
        Life isn't mapped out, so we must make our own fate, or what I call path. Each road we take changes the course or direction of our path. So when you face a decision that will affect you long term, do you risk it? Or do you avoid it and keep walking the path you know?  When is taking a risk worth it? Will you know?
        Life is a guessing game.  So is the beauty of life taking risks and seeing where it takes you?
        How many risks should you take?  Should there be a limit?  What if you've taken the same risk before? Can it take you on a separate path?  Or does the same risk always end the same way, leading to the same path?
        Life can lead you to a comfort zone with no risks.
        Can life bring me all the same joys with no risks?  Or is that not really living?  Does living with out risks lead to a hidden unhappiness?
        Or should I just be asking, is experiencing love really a risk?

        So what is my question really?  There are too many to find just one I'm asking.  Risks, they are everywhere. We all make bad decisions time to time, but learning from mistakes is what makes the difference. Learning from a bad decision can actually lead you to a better path in my opinion.  Thing is, what happens when you find that comfort zone?  The place at which you are happy because nothing can actually affect your path.  You're not relying on anyone or anything to bring you happiness or facing any major life changes.  When you've reached that place and run across a decision, do you risk it?  Should you really risk your happiness when you are already happy?  Why do we constantly try to improve our state of emotions?  I see too many people taking too many risks and their life becomes a roller coaster of emotions.  I'd rather have the neutral zone where my happiness stays at an even pace.
        Now, what if that risk is a chance at experiencing love? Is that the kind of risk you should take?  Well, there lies the questions of what kind of person are you trying to love, or what kind of person are you, in order to love.  What if you've been in that risk before?  People say it can be different.  They say that each relationship is different or the person you fell for was wrong.  Well, what if I'm the wrong one?  Then is risking your happiness for love worth it?  I don't think so. 

        We all learn from our mistakes or our mistaken paths we've traveled.  We are all different, but if you find yourself finding the same weary path over and over again, stop taking that risk.  Stop making the same decisions.  Make a change, for what you're feeling can only be felt by you.  Nobody truly cares about how you feel.  That's a mistake you should never make.

                        Yours truly,
                       Amanda Rae

A day that I can't take back...

          I've come to a point of emptiness.  This will be my first blog I write that I won't overlook my words. I won't backspace any emotions I express uncontrollably.  This is going to be the blog that will cause the biggest self challenge to get through writing.  I've started to notice a change in who I am.  Some of you that talk to me on a daily basis may not have experienced or even noticed this change, but I see it in the way I think, the way I talk, and the way I've been second guessing everything in life.

          I'm not exactly sure why I've decided to write about this and share it for all the one's whom are choosing to read this.  I am fully aware that I'm going to be judged.  Whether it be out loud and blunt or judged silently. In a month from now, September 25th, I should be celebrating my child's first birthday.  I should be frantically rushing into decisions on how to decorate the cake, what outfit he or she should wear, or what the theme for my baby's first birthday will be.  Instead, I sit here with no child.  I sit here with a empty feeling full of regret and hatred for myself.  If anyone decides on viewing me with disgust from this point forward... just let it be known, I look in the mirror some days and damn near want to cover it with a black sheet so I don't even have to face myself.  I had an abortion.

         A year and a half ago, I was a sixteen year old girl with a twenty one year old boyfriend.  Or so I thought.  He was my first boyfriend and yet, he was the furthest thing from who I thought he was.  One drunken night was all it took.  I was pregnant.  I'll never forget the day I took the tests.  My mother wasn't home at the time and my boyfriend brought over two pregnancy tests.  I took the first one and we watched that test like hawks as the second line slowly became visible.  Not knowing if a faint second line clarified as being pregnant, I took the second. Yeah, I was definitely pregnant.  Before in talking about me being pregnant, my boyfriend had told me that if I was, I should get an abortion.  I agreed until that very moment the scare became a reality.  To make matters even more confusing, my boyfriend smiled with joy as I dropped to the floor with my head tucked between my knees. His words..."Baby, we're pregnant."  Not "you're" pregnant, "WE'RE" pregnant. In that moment, with the tears running down my face, I knew that in nine months I would be having a child.

          I was pregnant for two and a half months, or as the doctor told me...10 weeks. In that time, I figured out what the child's name was going to be whether it be a boy or a girl.  Boy: Jet Ryan  Girl: Kalen Rae  Now: "My blue eyed angel".  To save everyone from a long story in explaining myself, my boyfriend clearly lost himself.  The man I knew to be protective and the most endearing person, quickly became the most cynical and vindictive man.  Lies and secrets were quickly arising in our relationship and I sure as hell didn't know how to deal with them.  He said things to me that I had never heard from someone that actually was trying to hurt my feelings.  I grew up with parents that spent most of their time fighting.  I grew up without a father for many years of my life and as I know I would have given my child everything in my will power, there was never a chance in this world I could live with giving my child the life I had.

          February 26th 2010, I went through went through with the abortion.  Today the man that was supposed to be the father of my child is far from a part of my life.  You see, we tried multiple times after to be the couple we invisioned.  Three months ago he finally admitted to lying about basically everything he has told me in life.  For a long time he tried to cover his tracks and was very good at manipulating me.  I know now that if I would have gone through with my pregnancy, my innocent child would have been born with one of the worst men to become a father.  At the same time, I can't sit here and give excuses for why I went through with my abortion, but I can give you my reasons for why it seemed like the smartest decision after weeks of thinking.

          Today is a new day.  If I could be the person I am today and go back with the ability to have my child, I wouldn't waste a second going back.  Today I would be a good mother.  Today I would choose to live with nothing else in this world except for that child.  I can't take back what I have already done.  I'm one who doesn't ever want to regret a moment in life, for my past decisions have made me the strong, good-hearted person I am today.  Yet, I do regret having my abortion.  Whether you knew my story and know it was a smart decision or whether you don't know me and already choose to look down on me... know this, I've never felt so much hatred for myself and for what I've done.  For the first time I can admit that I am weak.  I'm not okay and I'm not sure if there will ever come a time that this will ever be okay with me.  I have hit a point in life to where I'm not exactly sure where I go emotionally from here.  Much is changing around me but I still pause to sit here and close my eyes to see a beautiful child running and playing.  I have feelings of guilt, regret, pain, disgust, hatred, sadness, and anger all for one person...myself.

          For those of you who chose to have sex and not take precautions... don't think you are invincible for one second.  I never thought at sixteen I'd be pregnant.  The relationship that seemed picture perfect crashed and burned once reality caught up with us.  Every story is different.  Every life has a different outcome.  If I could just give anyone that reads this one word of advice to carry on, it would be... think about your actions.  Every action can be held accountable for in one way or another.  Don't let that one moment of pleasure lead to a life full of sorrow.  Don't be me.  Please, just don't be me. 

                    Yours truly,
                   Amanda Rae

Friends or clients?

         In life, I've come across a wide variety of groups of friends. I've lost a lot friends and found many along the way.  One thing that has always stayed true, was the kind of friend I am.  In my opinion, the type of friend you are can make a huge impact on the people you surround yourself with.  In order to have friends, you've got to be a true friend yourself.  Leaving all cockiness aside, I know I'm what you would call a true friend.

         Quality is more important than quanity when it comes to friends.  I'm pretty sure I only have four friends.  I have many aquaintances but an aquaintance is not a friend.  People whom come in your life time to time are not considered friends. Friends are people that are constantly making an influence in your life and are always there for you for anything.  I am the type of person who will be there for you as I think I should.  If you come to me with a problem, I'm going to try and help you through it the best I can.  I'm not going to help you find an easy way out, but I'll help you try to solve or get through the tough times in the way I believe is right.

         For me, I consider the little things bigger than the big things.  A birthday is obviously a big deal, but being the first person to call someone on their birthday is a bigger deal to me.  I always try my hardest to do all the little things for my friends... being the one that they will always come to for anything.  But over time, I've begun wondering if I'm trying too hard to be a good friend. When you use all of your ability to be the best friend that you can be, you expect a certain quality out of yourself... you have a set image of what a true friend really is.  Once you begin to obtain this image, you start to look at your friends and wonder why they don't do the same things as you do.

          I don't believe my friends are any less of a true friend than I am, but recently I began to question it.  You see, not too long ago I made a very difficult decision for my life.  Some of you may have read about it in a previous post, but with my friends knowing what was going on... I expected some friendly help.  I got sorrow from my friends but after that was over, I didn't receive much of anything else.  In all honestly, everyday I talk to at least one of those four friends about a problem they are having.  Sometimes I wondered if these were my actual friends I'm talking to or were they just clients that used me for a pick-me-up. I  literally put all of myself into making sure I do my best at helping out their situation and once days have passed by, I check up on them.  I'm constantly asking my friends how they are doing with whatever is going on in their life. In return, I have not received one question about my recent life change.  But I heard some knowledge from a very close person that helped me out with my friends or clients problem...

         I'm a different kind of person.  You see, its not that I was in pain or upset from what occured in my life... I just wanted my friends to check up on me.  I wanted them to prove to me that they are here for me and care about what I'm going through.  I had to realize though, I'm not what one would call a normal person.  I don't like to share emotions and I'm pretty invincible when it comes to getting "hurt".  So why would my friends come and check up on me when they know I'm fine?  I now realize that my friends do care about what I go through, they just know me well enough to know that I don't need to be checked up on.  To me, that means they are more than true friends.

         When you come across something in life similar to this, you need to take a few steps back and look at the big picture.  You need to acknowledge the type of people you are dealing with and understand that a true friend is not the same for everyone.  Your true friends probably ask you how you are doing constantly... my true friends know the answer to that question before asking!
                                     yours truly,
                                   Amanda Rae

Saying goodbye...

Alright, so I'm going to admit that my emotions have caught up with me. This is a very rare thing and usually means something serious has struck.  A couple posts ago, I wrote about a guy that I love...the one and only guy I'll love. Well that one and only guy I love is not the one and only guy I need.  With my birthday being yesterday, I wasn't really expecting to get a present from the hope and dreams crusher!

My love, Ryan, and I had a rocky relationship. It was full of lies, deceit, and hurtful words.  Of course there were the good times, times that I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world...but the more time went on, the less I felt that way.  Throughout all the bad, I still didn't want anything other than him.  Every time him and reached out to each other after several months of not speaking, the bond we had and the love we shared seemed to be more than perfect. But yesterday, reality struck me...

When two people break up after a true relationship, an emptiness is left within the two people.  Eventually the two will talk again and second guess whether they should be together or not.  If the two choose to try it again, well that's when you have entered the "in between" phase.  The phase where there are no fights, no worries, just pure happiness. This is due to the fact that a couple trying to build a relationship isn't going to fight and bring up issues from the past, ruining what they've started.  Once you move past this phase and get back into the relationship, getting comfortable... this is when the fights, lies arise, and problems from the past bring back an unhappy relationship...the reason you two broke up in the first place.

In my situation, I will always love Ryan. Even if he has put me through a long heart-wrenching two years, he will always be a major part of my life.  But as of last night, I made it clear that we will never be together.  Something that put me in tears to say, something that I couldn't stand telling the guy I love, but something that was much overdo.  Two people who become each other's poison should not try to be together again.  Now I will go back to the life style I am most comfortable with... not letting a single person in and keeping all senses of relationships and affections far away, for I am most happy when I am alone

                           Yours truly,
                         Amanda Rae

PS. Ryan, if you ever do come across this... Just know that I was in love with who I thought you were, but I clearly don't even know the real you.