What if?

      

          "What If?" is a major question that is thrown around time to time.  We often wonder what could be different about our situations in life...not as if many people take the effort to make a change, they still ponder the thought.  Some situations are just simply impossible to change, so wondering "what if" seems to become quite over powering.




         I've been reading some other blogs and basically, I got more of a back bone than I thought I had before.  I read some intriguing stories and questioned myself, "Why do you constantly hide things?"  This blog is about who I am and what I view.  This entire time I thought it wasn't "right" to talk about things in my life, due to hurting or shocking a reader.  I'm not the secretive type, I just choose to not talk about certain things.  The fear of being judged has never concerned me either... I guess I'm just the "closed" type or I was too worried about letting someone close know how I felt about them.  Well that whole "What if?" question popped into my head.

Think about this one...
         What if I just don't care how I affect you, the reader, anymore.  You're choosing to read this blog, right?  No, I'm not going to come out and tell you all that I'm some massive murder or that I kill bunnies as a side job.  Those are obviously false accusations.  I'm going to put myself in some "What if" situations and basically elaborate how different my life
could have been.  (Don't mistake this! I love who I am more than you possibly have loved anything in your life.)  This is simply a blog to get the mind working and to discuss the make-up of who I am.

1. What if I had a functional family?


         This was the first question that popped into my mind.  Maybe this is due to the fact I'm recently having family problems, who knows? Point is I've never had that; white picket fence, two loving parents, dog in the front yard, welcoming home.  Then again, nobody truly does anymore. I have divorced parents and I'm living in my grandparents trailer in South Carolina because... well we are poor. I had a father who neglected me for the most important years of my life.  I have a mother who was more of a best friend than a mom, which wasn't always a good thing. My entire family's kryptonite is alcohol. I have a family member that nearly died from the refusal to put the bottle down and a grandfather who drinks coffee with his beer in the mornings (That's just gross!).

         Well if I had a functional family... I would either be the most obedient teenager or a sketchy kid who broke the rules.  Knowing my personality, I probably would have rebelled and became worse than I turned out. My parents probably would have no idea that I was crushing a xanex into a blunt in my room or popping bottles of Tequila at the party down the street.  See growing up, my mother was aware of everything I did. She knew about the alcohol, the weed, and the drug addiction.  Instead of trying to force me to stop, she allowed it. She must have known the kind of kid I was because I ended up quitting after a tragic experience and haven't touched a drug in nine months.  Parents who judge other parents for allowing certain things to happen behind closed doors, keep your judgments to your damn self! If she would have told me to stop, I'd still be hiding bars in my purse or smoking a cigarette in the school bathroom at lunch time.


2. What if I had my child?


         If you didn't know it yet, you know it now... I am supposed to a mother.  If it was a boy, his named would have been Jet Ryan Lamot. If it was a girl, her named would have been Kalen Marie Lamot.  I got pregnant at the age of sixteen with a boy who I thought was everything I needed in life.  Some good things come out of bad situations. The child unfortunately is not here today, but I also am no longer with the man who lied about his entire life.  But what if?  What if I had my baby on September 25th as planned?  



         Well for one, I'd love that child more than anything and most likely be stuck with a man who didn't care who he hurt in attempts to be dominant.  The distant family, who is bound to read this, probably would have shit their pants and called me a horrible child.  Well I had sex, got pregnant, and would have supported that child no matter what got in my way.  If that makes me a whore, failure, or whatever else you've got in mind... so be it!  For those who frown upon being a teenage mother, my child left this world February 26th 2010.  If you just smiled inside for the sakes of my future, I hope you fall off a cliff.


3. What if I believed in love? 


         A little insight for you readers, I didn't choose to believe or not believe in the things I do.  I don't think one can just force a thought into the mind and completely believe it.  I don't just refuse to be in love, I can't get my mind to accept it.  But, If I did...what would be different?  Would I "fall in love" with some boy?
         Maybe some of the previous boys I blew off would have stuck around. I would have been in more than three relationships and wouldn't enjoy being single in all aspects of life. I most likely would end up as just another heart broken girl on her desperate attempt to find her Mr. Right.  Thankfully this is just "What if" because the sound of that sends an impulse of nausea to my stomach.


         Wondering what could have happened or if that should have happened is basically a test for the pride within yourself.  No matter what question is brought upon you, you should always embrace the person you are.  "What if" questions just make me realize why I admire my family, who I've become, and every flaw I've got.

                                    Yours truly,
                                   Amanda Rae