This past week has been a tough one. I've hit a place I know all too well from my past. The thing is, nobody really knows...
Depression and anxiety are two things that have been more talked about in society than it used to be. This, as well as everything in life, comes with pros and cons. Pro; we're shedding light to a subject that can actually help more people move forward in their lives. They don't feel abnormal and shunned as often when talking about their demons. Con; people don't believe your struggles or think, "You're just trying to get attention. There is no way you're actually depressed... you're life isn't even that hard." Just please understand one thing before I move forward with this post. You can't believe everything you hear in life. That's common knowledge. But living as if everyone is lying all the time makes it very hard to grasp those really beautiful moments of love for the things around you. People do struggle sometimes, yes. People do lie sometimes, yes. Not everything is a struggle, and not everything is a lie. Open your heart. When you downplay a person's level of depression, you're making it worse. Please, just understand that.
I did something this week that I'm not proud about. Something I'm very unpleased with. I've been clean for over a year, but something put me back in that place again. Thing is, I don't even know what put me that low. I can't pinpoint it like I'd love to do. I can't put my finger on it and give you a black and white reason. I can't tell you what I was really thinking about. I can't even tell you why I did it. It just happened and all I can do now is fight like hell to stay strong and not get that low again. Within this same week, I caused a lot of commotion with a group a friends during a night out. A lot of them saw me act in a way I'm shameful of. But more than embarrassing myself due to my actions, a couple of them saw my pain. My inner demons were out for the whole world to see. I exposed myself in a way I was not prepared or even willing to do. It just happened.
I'm lucky enough to have friends that I don't believe are judgmental. They help me get out of the mess I was in and never made a bigger deal out of a situation that could have been a lot worse. When I made my mistake, I had a friend talk to me about a trip he went on. Just talk about the trees, the scenery, a building you passed by, what songs you listened to in the car... just talk to me about something descriptive. I didn't want to talk about what was going on, I just needed something else I could sink myself into that didn't involve my life. I don't talk about it willingly or casually. What happened or what I used to do in the past... people don't need to know that side of me unless I chose to speak upon it.
Think about the cashier at the gas station you go to frequently, some of your co-workers, friends of friends, or even family members. Think about how often you see them smile and some of the conversations you hold with them. People typically seem happy...especially sad people. Nobody knows what people endure in their lives. You don't know what they go home to or what they go home without. Have you seen any of them sad or upset before? Not just the typical long day blues, but actual distress. Have you spoke up? Have you disregarded any of their attempts to vent to you? Maybe you should open your ears and heart for five minutes, because you never know what that five minutes could mean to someone's entire life.I'm all for covering up your demons instead of putting your guard completely down for everyone to comment on. But I want two things to start changing in life. One, I want people to start feeling more comfortable with themselves and not be scared to talk about something they struggle with. Two, if someone chooses you as their person to open up with, accept them. Open your arms and let them confide in you. It doesn't matter how big or small the issue may seem to you. We can't judge hardships by what is worse or what is easier. Emotion discomfort isn't measurable. Feelings can't be put on a scale or put into a chart of at which level this should affect someone. People just need people sometimes. It's hard enough to feel like anyone wants to listen to your issues already. When you feel a level of trust within someone to where you can actually reveal your demons to someone... Oh the release, it's the most beautiful yet terrifying chain of events. And its satisfying. It's an outlet. Depression is a demon. We try to cover it up upon layers and layers of fake smiles and laughter. We all break down. We all have our moments of needing someone but not knowing who to reach out to. If more people offered to put their hand out and welcome more people in, we would all be a happier place. We're too scared of judgment or feeling as if we will look weak. We're scared of getting hurt deeper than we already are. Stop. Don't live life in fear. Easier said than done, I understand. Be the person you would want to open up to. Be the person you want everyone else to be with you.
Just be a helpful human being and accept more love in your life. Ask that cashier if she is okay next time you see her head down. Offer to help. Whether she wants help or not, you tried. That's all we can ever do anyways.
Yours truly,
Amanda Rae
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