Stuck

         To my readers, I'm sorry about the delay... My laptop has broken and my computer time is limited. It has been several weeks and in that several weeks a lot has come over me about my past...my past that will linger forever on with me.  Those who know me well will know exactly who this is about, though some of you may not like it... this is a part of me and you'll just have to learn to accept that.  Amanda Rae has been in love...

         Yes, it's crazy I know.  I stopped believing in love about the age of twelve, never experiencing a relationship or an emotional connection to another being.  My parents didn't exactly have a great marriage to say in the least. My father was an alcoholic and bipolar, which didn't mix well.  My days were spent worrying whether or not there was going to be the usual screaming fight in the garage or the normal mental beatdown from my father.  I taught myself after my parents got divorced that love just isn't real.  I constantly reminded myself that love is unattainable and forever is a fairy tale.   Instead of getting caught up in the emotional deteriation that a relationship brings, I learned to no longer care for anyone else.  I became heartless. I broke hearts and turned my back with a smile saying, "Job well done!" 

         Instead of doing the right thing, I followed my father's footsteps, for I'm very much like him in multiple ways. I became an alcoholic and a druggie.  During my party stage, I met a boy. He believed in everything I believed, which was to not believe.  Now I believe that our simliar views is what made us connect.  Him and I began to spend much of our time together, but never believed anything would come out of it... we were just having fun, or so we thought. 

         October 7th he asked me to be his girlfriend and after about three-four months of spending time together, I say, "Hell... why not?"  NEVER to my acknowledge did I think I'd be falling in love with him and NEVER did I think I would be stuck in a situation that I couldn't control.  I'm all about controlling every emotion I express, for emotions are simply made up in the mind.  Well I lost control, and have yet to get it back.

         This is the man I was pregnant with, if you hadn't guessed that yet.  Our blue-eyed angel was never brought to this world, leaving a pit of emptiness within the both of us.  Him and I are obviously no longer together, but he still lingers on throughout much of what I do.  I'm stuck with a mind that doesn't believe in love, except for one person.  I loved or love one man, and it will forever be that way.  I choose to not let myself lose control with another person.  The pain of becoming so close together in a bond that is near unbreakable and then losing the other half to your bond, is just about unbearable. 

         No, the last thing I want is to be in a relationship again.  My beliefs are still as I have expressed, not believing in love.  I do not think two people and can last forever, it just doesn't happen.  Two people can be happy together and work in a relationship, but when the word love and forever intervene, you know that's just impossible. I realize, I probably make no sense but understand this...My mind will never been understood.  I choose to not live in the ordinary.

                           Yours truly,
                         Amanda Rae