Saturday, August 27, 2011

A day that I can't take back...

          I've come to a point of emptiness.  This will be my first blog I write that I won't overlook my words. I won't backspace any emotions I express uncontrollably.  This is going to be the blog that will cause the biggest self challenge to get through writing.  I've started to notice a change in who I am.  Some of you that talk to me on a daily basis may not have experienced or even noticed this change, but I see it in the way I think, the way I talk, and the way I've been second guessing everything in life.

          I'm not exactly sure why I've decided to write about this and share it for all the one's whom are choosing to read this.  I am fully aware that I'm going to be judged.  Whether it be out loud and blunt or judged silently. In a month from now, September 25th, I should be celebrating my child's first birthday.  I should be frantically rushing into decisions on how to decorate the cake, what outfit he or she should wear, or what the theme for my baby's first birthday will be.  Instead, I sit here with no child.  I sit here with a empty feeling full of regret and hatred for myself.  If anyone decides on viewing me with disgust from this point forward... just let it be known, I look in the mirror some days and damn near want to cover it with a black sheet so I don't even have to face myself.  I had an abortion.


         A year and a half ago, I was a sixteen year old girl with a twenty one year old boyfriend.  Or so I thought.  He was my first boyfriend and yet, he was the furthest thing from who I thought he was.  One drunken night was all it took.  I was pregnant.  I'll never forget the day I took the tests.  My mother wasn't home at the time and my boyfriend brought over two pregnancy tests.  I took the first one and we watched that test like hawks as the second line slowly became visible.  Not knowing if a faint second line clarified as being pregnant, I took the second. Yeah, I was definitely pregnant.  Before in talking about me being pregnant, my boyfriend had told me that if I was, I should get an abortion.  I agreed until that very moment the scare became a reality.  To make matters even more confusing, my boyfriend smiled with joy as I dropped to the floor with my head tucked between my knees. His words..."Baby, we're pregnant."  Not "you're" pregnant, "WE'RE" pregnant. In that moment, with the tears running down my face, I knew that in nine months I would be having a child.

          I was pregnant for two and a half months, or as the doctor told me...10 weeks. In that time, I figured out what the child's name was going to be whether it be a boy or a girl.  Boy: Jet Ryan  Girl: Kalen Rae  Now: "My blue eyed angel".  To save everyone from a long story in explaining myself, my boyfriend clearly lost himself.  The man I knew to be protective and the most endearing person, quickly became the most cynical and vindictive man.  Lies and secrets were quickly arising in our relationship and I sure as hell didn't know how to deal with them.  He said things to me that I had never heard from someone that actually was trying to hurt my feelings.  I grew up with parents that spent most of their time fighting.  I grew up without a father for many years of my life and as I know I would have given my child everything in my will power, there was never a chance in this world I could live with giving my child the life I had.

          February 26th 2010, I went through went through with the abortion.  Today the man that was supposed to be the father of my child is far from a part of my life.  You see, we tried multiple times after to be the couple we invisioned.  Three months ago he finally admitted to lying about basically everything he has told me in life.  For a long time he tried to cover his tracks and was very good at manipulating me.  I know now that if I would have gone through with my pregnancy, my innocent child would have been born with one of the worst men to become a father.  At the same time, I can't sit here and give excuses for why I went through with my abortion, but I can give you my reasons for why it seemed like the smartest decision after weeks of thinking.


          Today is a new day.  If I could be the person I am today and go back with the ability to have my child, I wouldn't waste a second going back.  Today I would be a good mother.  Today I would choose to live with nothing else in this world except for that child.  I can't take back what I have already done.  I'm one who doesn't ever want to regret a moment in life, for my past decisions have made me the strong, good-hearted person I am today.  Yet, I do regret having my abortion.  Whether you knew my story and know it was a smart decision or whether you don't know me and already choose to look down on me... know this, I've never felt so much hatred for myself and for what I've done.  For the first time I can admit that I am weak.  I'm not okay and I'm not sure if there will ever come a time that this will ever be okay with me.  I have hit a point in life to where I'm not exactly sure where I go emotionally from here.  Much is changing around me but I still pause to sit here and close my eyes to see a beautiful child running and playing.  I have feelings of guilt, regret, pain, disgust, hatred, sadness, and anger all for one person...myself.

          For those of you who chose to have sex and not take precautions... don't think you are invincible for one second.  I never thought at sixteen I'd be pregnant.  The relationship that seemed picture perfect crashed and burned once reality caught up with us.  Every story is different.  Every life has a different outcome.  If I could just give anyone that reads this one word of advice to carry on, it would be... think about your actions.  Every action can be held accountable for in one way or another.  Don't let that one moment of pleasure lead to a life full of sorrow.  Don't be me.  Please, just don't be me. 

                    Yours truly,
                   Amanda Rae

Sunday, August 14, 2011

To be a Dad, to be a Father

         People are too consumed with things in life that can but shouldn't be measured.  Life isn't about measurements or something one has over another person.  Every sunrise can't be seen, every snow fall can't be caught, not everyone falls in love, and not everyone dies happy.  You know, I've never thought I'd feel so secure about being so alone.  Society clearly has made it a mandatory action to get married and have babies.  Thing is, some people in this world weren't made for that.

        Sometimes a child is brought into this world with only half of what it truly needs. One parent always seems to be missing.  I've always had a mother in my life... a woman who stayed by my side through everything I did. A woman who loved me with an unmeasurable amount of love.  A woman that could easily surpass all other mothers in my eyes. Although my mother was clearly an amazing part of my life...I missed having a dad in a lot of my growing up stages.  I was born with a dad who then turned into father. If you come from a broken home, you more than understand the difference between the two.

        To be a father is to have a child.  To be a dad, is to be the strong, loving person for a child to always depend on.  Dads are supposed to be that tough figure that pisses you off but does it because he never wants to see his child get hurt.  Coming from a broken home, you tend to get used to people coming and going in your life.  Yet, you seem to never get used to not having a dad.  I was born with a dad that did nothing but care for his girls.  We were the only things that mattered to him... my sister and I that is.  Once we grew older and developed a mind of our own, his attachment to us seemed to drift...drift far far away!  My father became a very mean person, for the alcohol took control of the man we all knew he could be. 

       As of Christmas 2010, my father became a dad again after missing him for years. Still... It's not exactly what I always expected having a dad at the age of eighteen would be like.  When I think of a dad who has a young adult as a daughter, I think of a very protective figure.  A man that wouldn't let any boy near his child without the typical grilling. A man that always gets real defensive when his daughter talks about the older guys she hangs out with. My dad?  His words exactly after introducing him to a guy..."wrap it up."  Not exactly what I wanted my dad to say.  I want my dad to basically scare a guy so bad that he wouldn't think twice about harming me... but at the same time, how can my dad of all people try a preach to a choir about all the things he has never been. 

       I believe some people weren't made to have children.  Some men aren't capable of caring for a child's needs.  Some women don't know how to love a child as it needs to be loved.  Face it, some people were just made shitty.  So for all the criticism about how we were all made to find our "one" person, fall in love, and make babies... please knock it off.  This is a different time in age, meaning we have all figured out more about the human race.  Differences lie within each one of us, whether they are for the worse or for the better.  Life is what you make of it.  If you decide to make babies out of it... make sure you're the right type of parent before you ruin your child's vision of life.
        
                           Yours truly,
                         Amanda Rae