I am not a Christian

          Warning:  This is blog is not intended to offend or piss anyone off.  This blog is purely about me speaking up in what I truly believe in and don't believe in.  By the title, you may already assume that I am not a Christian and this may offend those who believe in god.  If you are not willing to hear my opinions, then please do not continue to read further. 

          For those who have read my blog post "My Religion", you read the beginning of my journey to no longer have faith in the christian god.  For those who have not read it, click the words "My Religion" above to read it.  The post consisted of me introducing a new religion to follow instead of the christian faith.  It was basically me testing the waters before I dove in to express my true feelings. 
          
          This is never an easy thing to do... come out about being an athiest.  I mean the word athiest just seems so crude and always seems to get a negative outlook from outsiders.  There are a lot of people I'm almost scared to admit that I'm an athiest.  I have a fellow blogger that has honestly inspired me to build up the courage to speak out about my decision to no longer believe.  This is a woman that has had more struggles in life than I know how to even explain.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  Her name is Lori and was one of my fellow teachers.  Her blog "Why I left Christianity" (click to read) is something so powerful, it almost leaves me at a loss for words.  She speaks about her struggles in life in becoming an atheist and does it with such courage. 

            I am an atheist. I do not believe in god. More than less, I refuse to follow the christian faith. Nothing drastic happened for me to become this way.  I wasn't hit with a critical obstacle in life and suddenly questioned my faith.  I'm surprisingly at the highest point of my life.  The time at which I still believed in god, was the time all my major obstacles were hitting... yet, I still had my faith.  I still prayed on occasion, I still asked for forgiveness, I was truly fearful of god... fearful of god?  Why should anybody be fearful of the man that supposedly dedicated his life for the love he had for us?  Well you can give thanks to the bible for that.  The book that gives all of us the reason to live... bullshit.  I'm sorry.  I'm trying my hardest to NOT be snide to the christian beliefs, but don't forget... the bible and the rules of god were all something I lived by once before too.  It's almost can be compared to someone who has lied to you your entire life and you get heated when discussing it.  Well, the bible is going to be the person in that situation.

          My point in writing this post is to show that atheists aren't all evil, cruel people. I'm aware I just called the bible bullshit... probably not the nicest thing to say, but most christians make us out to be some satan worshiping assholes.  We just don't believe in what you believe in... a god.  There are so many diverse views on what exists and what doesn't exist. This battle between atheists and christians is the exact reason people like me become scared to come out about no longer believing.  I've already been judged by friends for saying I'm an atheist.  Does that make sense?  You, the god loving christian, is going to judge me for not believing?  Alright take a step back.  We, the atheists, are the bad ones because we've made the choice to not follow the controlling and demanding faith of god.  I know that I would never treat a man like he was more holy than thou. I would never let a man win every fight, even when wrong, simply because he was a man.  I know that if I wanted to commit my life to another woman because I was in love, I wouldn't stop because its an abomination. I know I'm no longer going to let some man dictate my life that I have no proof of even existing.  Well, if that makes me the bad one... then damn, I guess I'm bad ALL the way to the bone.

          Not all christians are judgemental and hypocrites.  I have christian friends that are fully aware of my decision, but don't implant a judgemental bomb on my way of life.  If christians believe we are going to hell for "losing faith" and are going to be sent before god after we die, then please leave it to god.  By no means am I preaching my non-belief on you.  I'm not trying to enstill a god-free life on you and I'm not even expressing all my arguements on the christain faith, so please don't try to cram the "God loves you" speal on me.  If, and must I repeat IF, there truly is a god... the god the christians believe in, well then I am wrong.  Let me make this clear though... If I must stand before god after I die and have him make his judgement on me, I will choose hell.  Even if I'm given the chance to go to heaven, I will reject his offer and go to hell.  I do not stand by what the bible states and would refuse to live by anything it declairs. 

No matter what you view of me or what opinons you hold for me now, I'm not a god hater.  I can't hate something I don't believe is even there.  God is just "dog" spelled backwards, nothing special. 
                              Yours truly,
                           Amanda Rae

One fatal second...

Before you begin to read what I have to say, answer these few questions.
1. Have you ever drank alcohol?
2. Have you ever rode in a vehicle after the driver has been drinking or taken drugs?
3. Have you ever operated a vehicle after drinking or taking drugs?
4. Do you know anyone who has been killed by a drunk driver, or someone who has killed someone by drinking and driving?
If you have answered yes to any of these questions...remember...one second can end up being the last second you or another will have.

         October 2nd, 2010 I decided to get into a vehicle after consuming over fifteen beers and several shots of tequila. I was new in town, so I decided to show up the boys who THOUGHT they knew how to drink.  I was a female, and most females feel as if they need to prove they can drink a man under the table.  Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?  Females have a higher water content in their body, so it is a proven fact that females get intoxicated faster and stay intoxicated longer than males.  Point is, male or female, trying to out drink someone is really ignorant.  The more you drink, the less your mind is able to make decisions that you'll stand by in the morning.

         After I got in the vehicle, my memory started to fade.  I don't remember driving, I don't remember dropping a friend off, I don't remember the road I was even on.  I think back and all I can see is the blue lights in my rear view mirror.  There was no denying I was drunk.  I was instantly asked to step outside of the vehicle.  I did the sobriety tests and failed them drastically...blowing a .16 on my blood alcohol test.  The cop asked me to turn around and handcuffed me.  I was then put into the back of the cop car and taken to jail.  I was arrested for a Driving Under the Influence, Driving Under Suspension, Open Container, and Minor Possession of Alcohol.  My jail experience is beyond all doubt, the scariest thing I have ever been through.  I was put in shackles, handcuffs, and put into a holding cell with a couple girls and several cat-calling males.  I remember sitting there in that dull, cement room.  Looking around I saw people who looked like they belonged there, people who had smiles on their faces, people who without a doubt were criminals... all I knew was that was not the place I belonged.

         I was court ordered to do a lot for my DUI.  I had to commit to fifty hours of community service, attend a class for two months about alcohol and drug abuse, take a class about safe drivers, and visit a prison.  In my prison tour, I was in a group of about twenty girls. We had to hold hands with another girl and walk in a straight line.  We were in the inmates home.  No bars, no windows, no fence in between these prisoners.  Our tour guides were four female inmates that had been locked up for sixteen years.  Those four shared their stories with us.  I was not only the youngest in my group, but the only one with a DUI.  Out of the four, two of the inmates made sure to present their stories straight towards me...for driving under the influence was the very reason they were wearing that tan uniform with a printed reminder reading "inmate".   One of them was arrested at 19.  She was very similar to the person I was back then... a partier that always said, "Oh, I drive better drunk."  She said that until she killed a three month old child by drinking a driving.  The second woman was someone who still sends chills down my spine to this day.  She told me that she was never a heavy drinker, that she had maybe been to three bars in her entire life.  One day she had a couple beers and remembered she had to pick up a few things at the store.  She then began to tell us that she wrecked and killed two children... an eight and two year old. As she paused, she continued to tell us that those two kids were her very own children inside her vehicle.  She then put in my hands, pictures of her two children and of the vehicle after the wreck.  That was the day that I realized I never will step foot in a vehicle after drinking or if the driver has been drinking.

         The one thing I did, that wasn't court ordered, was grow as a person and learn to appreciate getting a DUI. During my process, I was living with my mother and my grandparents.  My entire family drinks. Whether it's all day, a couple drinks a day, three times a week... my family drinks.  My point in saying this is, it's not easy to quit when you're surrounded by drunks.  It either makes you want to drink again or it makes you want to enforce them to quit.  As tough as it got to get my point across sometimes, eventually my family supported me in my decision to quit.  I have alcoholics on both my mother's and father's side of the family.  I'm very prone to becoming a serious alcoholic. But learning from my mistakes in the past and seeing what condition I would be in if I kept drinking, makes drinking never an option.

         Today, I'm a different person.  Ten months ago I was a partier.  I was the girl who wanted all the attention at a get-together.  I was someone who drank until I couldn't or until I did something stupid.  Today I'm the girl who stays sober.  I'm the girl who can go to a party and not think twice about picking up any drink of alcohol.  I will ALWAYS be the girl who knows that every decision I make is under a strong sober mind.  My process to this life was the hardest but the most rewarding experience I've gone through.  I know a lot of people who read this may never understand what it's like to not drink, to go through and see the things I saw, or to eliminate the only way they can feel accepted.  A party life will never be a successful life.  An alcoholic is nothing but a failure to life.  To pick up alcohol and let it fade the image of the beautiful chance of life we are all given, is to let go of control on the only chance you're given. 

                           From a sober mind,
                                Amanda Rae