Friday, May 27, 2011

Highschool

        The time has finally come where I say goodbye to all my classmates and friends who are moving onto the real world.  As I take all my final exams and final steps out of my high school, I think about what all has happened to me during my years in school...


         I think about my time from freshman year to my senior year.  As high school began for me, I was an innocent girl who didn't know much other than what others had told me.  I can remember saying, "Ew, I'll never smoke" or "I'm going to save my virginity for the special guy."  What a joke! I steadily fight with the battle to QUIT smoking and my virginity went to my friend's brother, not a special guy at all.  I had goals when I became a high schooler that quickly dissolved into just focusing on having a good time.  Each year in high school was a different experience and different important phase in my life.

Freshman...
       Freshman year,  I rekindled my friendship with the girl I call my best friend. She was a class ahead of me, so when she went off to high school, our friendship pretty much faded away.  Since we were now going to the same school, we became best friends all over again.  I think the only thing I remember learning from my freshmen year was that the party life was exactly what I wanted.
Sophomore...
        Sophomore year...oh hell, what a year. This is the year I slipped off the deep end.  I became committed to one thing... getting high, drunk, and having a good time.  Well the party life is never a good thing when it comes to school. My grades dropped drastically and I eventually just gave up on even showing up to class. I left my English class that year with a 3 average, forcing me to attend summer school. That summer I met a boy, the boy that will forever hold a place in my heart.  He was into all the things I was into and we eventually started dating.  As time went on, I fell in love and have yet to fall out. 
Junior...
        Junior year, the year I thought I grew up.  Most of this school year I was in a relationship with the boy I met over the summer.  I slowly left the party life, only returning for some reunions, ha ha. School, however, still wasn't my main focus, for I would have rather spent my time with my boyfriend and friends.  I got a letter in the mail informing me I had to go to court due to my absences and I most likely wouldn't pass the school year.  I was forced to go to school every day and actually make an effort to pass.  My grades sky rocketed! My teachers didn't believe I was capable of reaching such grades, but I proved them all wrong.  As my schooling improved, my family life didn't.  I got pregnant with the love of my life, and the baby was never born...leaving me with a feeling that life wasn't what I was making of it. 
Fina11y, Senior...
         Senior year, the year I became a woman...or the year that changed ALL my views on life.  I moved to South Carolina two weeks into my senior year, leaving all my closest friends behind.  In my new high school, I met some friends but they weren't the right friends to be hanging out with.  I went right back to partying and eventually had no stopping.  October 2nd, I got arrested with a DUI blowing a .16.  I went through multiple classes and meetings to help me with my problem.  This is when I learned I will never drink and drive a day in my life. In the mist of all of this, I dropped the party friends and became friends with some people that I will never forget.  These are the people whom have helped me stop drinking, all together, and move on to life goals.  I now will graduate with all A's and B's and leave my senior year eventually becoming a member of the United States Navy. 

         High school is all about change and hard times to shape the person you become once you enter the real world.  There is no more attending summer school for a second chance, teachers reminding you to turn something in, or any one other than yourself making you obtain success.  High school did it's job on me because I believe I've turned out better than I ever once thought.  With my knowledge and experience I'm bound to reach the highest of all levels. '

                                      Yours Truly,
                                     Amanda Rae

Monday, May 16, 2011

Stuck

         To my readers, I'm sorry about the delay... My laptop has broken and my computer time is limited. It has been several weeks and in that several weeks a lot has come over me about my past...my past that will linger forever on with me.  Those who know me well will know exactly who this is about, though some of you may not like it... this is a part of me and you'll just have to learn to accept that.  Amanda Rae has been in love...

         Yes, it's crazy I know.  I stopped believing in love about the age of twelve, never experiencing a relationship or an emotional connection to another being.  My parents didn't exactly have a great marriage to say in the least. My father was an alcoholic and bipolar, which didn't mix well.  My days were spent worrying whether or not there was going to be the usual screaming fight in the garage or the normal mental beatdown from my father.  I taught myself after my parents got divorced that love just isn't real.  I constantly reminded myself that love is unattainable and forever is a fairy tale.   Instead of getting caught up in the emotional deteriation that a relationship brings, I learned to no longer care for anyone else.  I became heartless. I broke hearts and turned my back with a smile saying, "Job well done!" 

         Instead of doing the right thing, I followed my father's footsteps, for I'm very much like him in multiple ways. I became an alcoholic and a druggie.  During my party stage, I met a boy. He believed in everything I believed, which was to not believe.  Now I believe that our simliar views is what made us connect.  Him and I began to spend much of our time together, but never believed anything would come out of it... we were just having fun, or so we thought. 

         October 7th he asked me to be his girlfriend and after about three-four months of spending time together, I say, "Hell... why not?"  NEVER to my acknowledge did I think I'd be falling in love with him and NEVER did I think I would be stuck in a situation that I couldn't control.  I'm all about controlling every emotion I express, for emotions are simply made up in the mind.  Well I lost control, and have yet to get it back.

         This is the man I was pregnant with, if you hadn't guessed that yet.  Our blue-eyed angel was never brought to this world, leaving a pit of emptiness within the both of us.  Him and I are obviously no longer together, but he still lingers on throughout much of what I do.  I'm stuck with a mind that doesn't believe in love, except for one person.  I loved or love one man, and it will forever be that way.  I choose to not let myself lose control with another person.  The pain of becoming so close together in a bond that is near unbreakable and then losing the other half to your bond, is just about unbearable. 

         No, the last thing I want is to be in a relationship again.  My beliefs are still as I have expressed, not believing in love.  I do not think two people and can last forever, it just doesn't happen.  Two people can be happy together and work in a relationship, but when the word love and forever intervene, you know that's just impossible. I realize, I probably make no sense but understand this...My mind will never been understood.  I choose to not live in the ordinary.

                           Yours truly,
                         Amanda Rae